Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Am I cut out for this?

So, today, I find myself wondering what on earth God was thinking when he gave me this child. Those of you who know me well, I do not even need to say which child it is. I know the Lord knows exactly what He is doing, and somehow thinks that I am capable of raising this girl, but right at this moment there is not one ounce of me that agrees!

We are not anywhere near settled in, but my girls in particular are dying to make new friends. Karis has chosen the bold route of just asking every random girl that looks close to her age at the pool if they will be her friend. Her next question is what church they go to and apparently somewhere in there what they weigh?!?! SO I now know random information about a few little girls that swim at our pool, including if they go to church and their weight.  I am not sure how this all goes, but so far it has NOT resulted in a best friend. So, maybe a more subtle approach...

We invited over a mom that I met at a homeschool group meeting. She too has four children. The oldest between my two girls age. Things were going O.K. There were the random screams, the insects Karis made out of paper that she was throwing at the other girls... have I mentioned that we have recently been finding cockroaches in our house?!?!? Well, she knew this would get Anya riled up. SO she made her own insects and then begged me to let her go get a grasshopper to throw at them and scare them. I nixed that but it took a few minutes of really putting my foot down.

The thing with this girl is that she REALLY, REALLY wants people to like her. And if you laugh at her, success, usually. But sometimes it just gets carried away. And I think that is what happened here. I am not exactly sure WHAT happened, but Anya came to mention that Karis was being just a bit too rough. SO I asked Karis to just come sit with me a few minutes to calm down. She folded her arms and refused, with that look of, "You will get nowhere, I am fighting this to the death!" And that is exactly what happened in front of my guest. She screamed at me, slapped me, refused to move. I finally had to say I was going to ask our friends to leave, which is probably what I should have done at that point, in hindsight it would have been better. But she followed me to my room, screaming at me the entire time. I told her she needed to stay in there for 10 minutes and then we would talk, she refused, screaming and yelling how much she hates me and I am NOT her mother. I ignored her, shut the door, and tried to wrap up the conversation I was having with this mother, which I was doing choking back tears in my eyes, as my child is breaking my heart in the other room with the horrible things she is screaming at me.

Her ten minutes ran out and I went to talk to her, but she refused throwing things and dumping unpacked boxes on her head, I said fine, and left to really wrap up with this mom. A few minutes later she walked out and just started playing with the other kids, not one word to me. It was time for them to leave. I was still at this point just broken, trying to figure out how to get through to my precious child that I love her, but this is COMPLETELY unacceptable. She could tell something was wrong, and she asked, "What is the matter, mom?" I told her she had embarrassed me and upset me. Unfortunately the embarrassed part probably was ruling my reaction more than anything. But her actions were unacceptable and she owed me an apology. Her response, "Why, what did I do?" That is the thing, I do not know if she even is aware of what just took place. She apologized, but then asked if there was anything else I was upset about, as if this was not enough. I told her she needed to wait a few minutes and make sure she really was sorry for what she had done. I needed her to realize that she had lost time with friends, and possibly made it that our family may never have friends in Arkansas if she continues to act and react this way!

I feel like I need a battle plan, that I need armor and wisdom. I need to know when to fight and when to let her fall on her face. She terrifies me, she is smart and sensitive. She loves with all she has in her but fights that way too. I remember a friend telling me how hard life with be for her because she feels SO much, everything affects her. She is exhausting and exciting. I believe with everything in me that God has a plan for her life, and it has the possibility of amazing, but on days like today I question whether I am the right person to prepare her for that life, to raise her and train her. Am I really cut out for this? But I HAVE to just trust that God knew exactly what He was doing when he gave her to me.

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