Thursday, September 27, 2012

And in the end... Blessing (again)

I wrote this post yesterday, but I think maybe I was too worn out. It sounded like a desperate cry instead of the hope I was actually feeling. But God is still speaking... loud as ever, this is what I saw today, and it only affirmed in me that God wants me to hear this in my suffering right now. And I am not without hope because this is true....

 "In the same way I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born," says the Lord. 
Isaiah 6:9

She whispers under her breath to me, "I do not know if I can do this... for six more months." She knows the battle she is about to face. Her body fighting the baby she is growing. Months of suffering lie ahead.

They wait for relief with prayers and petitions, that have been lifted and cried to a merciful God, for mercy. Relief from the unknown waiting if a job will come, if bills will get paid, if a house will still be a home.

And I wake in the dark, and a whole day full of possibility awaits, full of unknown. And all I want to do is crawl back in bed because the possibilities today are overwhelming. The questions of, "What are we doing today?" "Can you make me breakfast?" "Can I go to our neighbors?" "Do we have to read that?" and it goes on and on. But I am afraid to go into the place that is quiet and alone because if I do, I am not sure I will ever leave. So I keep moving, answering the questions, cooking and cleaning.

 "Mom just likes to be alone." And I tell myself it is because I am an introvert and need time alone, but really it is because I am not sure how to be around people when I feel like my insides are falling apart.

Words about joy in suffering, wrestling like in child birth with demons that come back, and like child birth just when it feels like you might die from the pain, a blessing. I sat listening to Beth Moore in Bible Study today. Tears stinging my eyes, again. She spoke about the Greek and Hebrew and how over and over in scripture God talks about anguish and joy together. And the anguish compared with child birth. But then God. God changes our sorrow into joy. And we miss it if we give up on trusting that God will care for us in the midst of our sorrow and suffering, we miss the blessing.

And God, God is all His sovereignty and grace is speaking in words to me, so loudly I can not help but hear because it makes my heart beat faster. It is like your name is being called in class and you are not sure you are really ready for that presentation. Right now, here, He is speaking so loudly, and I want to cry again because He knows exactly what I need to hear right now. And that is scary and lovely all at the same time.

BUT there is HOPE because...

The weight of sickness is great, and her body is fighting her in this pregnancy. She knows that in the end... blessing.

Friends without jobs waiting, so much longer than they thought they should wait, knowing that God IS good, knowing in the pain God is still good, HOLD ON, in the end... blessing.

And, I am in the midst of a struggle. Sometimes, I just get tired in the fight. But God is speaking these words to me. Do NOT give up; in the end... BLESSING.

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