Thursday, September 20, 2012

Missing Beauty

"So beautiful, it took my breath away, sorry." She stopped for just a second during our run, her feet quickly rejoining my steps.

I had not seen it. I had NO idea what she was talking about. We were running through a small forest along a creek, in the pitch dark. What did she see? 

I was missing the beauty. I kept speaking. Words that barely stopped to hear something about beautiful. I looked briefly, but did not see it. I realized not in the moment, later, I could be drinking in beauty, instead I was spilling suffering. Hoping for someone to hear a bit of my pain. I am tired, worn out, failing always. I am Tired of trying not to fail. I am overwhelmed with the trying.

"Did you smell those roses!" I missed it again, almost. Out of the corner of my eye, I see red;. bright red. The sun is beginning to rise, it is not so dark. I want to stop. To go back. To breathe deep in and smell. But I can't. I can't stop running.

"I want to spend TIME with you." He says. Precious time with my husband whom I love. But I have plans. I have things to do. A list has been made. I have been waiting all day to finally sit. "I want to just spend TIME with you, talk." And so I do, reluctantly looking at what I had planned. Frustrated that I cannot enjoy this moment, this now.

"It is funny how I used to love to just spend time, now it seems so much work." Before I even finish the words, I know it was a mistake. He is not work. He is not the problem. It is me, my problem. If I had written him in my schedule in my mind, I would be okay, I think. But tonight it just wasn't my plan. I was not treasuring like I did before we married, every waking minute of quiet we had to get to know each other, I was trying to fit him in. I missed the moment, the beauty.

So I am back to my list, to sit in beauty, in the moment that I am thankful for.

11. Friends that do not miss the beauty, that point it out when they see it.
12. A neighbor who frequently meets me with iced coffee after rest time, knowing, most days are long
13. Bikes that are ridden up and down the street in the cooler evening of fall
14. The smell of freshly mowed grass.
15. Roses, bright red roses in the fall, that remind me to stop.
16. A husband who wants to just spend time with me, turn off the TV, computer and talk and listen
17. A daughter who lets me be sad, curled up in my arms when I am homesick still, then wipes my eyes, "All done mommy?"
18. "Catching Cickets" or catching grasshoppers, but a two year old's version is much cuter
19. Laughing until I cry
20. Windows open that let in the smell of outdoors; the smell that reminds me of freshly washed sheets hung on the line and then crawling into bed as a child after a long day of playing in the summer sunshine.

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