Monday, September 10, 2012

This is not my home

This song keeps running through my head.

"Can you picture our Christmas tree here? Where would we put it?" That was the first and main question I asked when looking for a house, a new place to call home.

"I just don't know if this is it, if this is where I can be 'home,'" I questioned.

"It is where those four children are, where our family is," my husband reminds me.

It is where their pattering feet are, their beds, their sweet laughter, that will be our home.

He is right, but somehow I am still unsettled.

All the boxes, all our stuff, the same pictures, their beds, the same mess. It all came with us. But this time, I am aware of a longing for something more, the "are we there yet" that I hear from the car the moment the car starts continues in my soul - the waiting for the arrival.

I unpack boxes and find just the right color to paint my living room. But I am still restless because this is not my home. This is not where I belong.

Yesterday, while watching football, of all things, sent me into an hour of homesickness, of longing for people to know who I am and still like me, of longing for friends that I do not have to try with anymore. I was homesick for friends that are home.

I was homesick for friends that meet me for coffee and cookies; for friends that run with me in take-my-breath-away cold and snowstorms; for friends that are okay with me making mistakes; for friends that drive me to the doctor when I have broken my foot or have cut my daughters finger with the nail clipper and do not have a car; for friends who laugh at my mistakes with me and let me see them in theirs.

I am thankful for the blessings that we have in this world. The blessing of people who have made this place a home while we wait for the home we were made for.


  1. Thanks for sharing this Heather. It takes time to feel settled and connected. It will happen. Get involved in things. In the meantime, try to enjoy not being super busy with "outside" activities and enjoy focusing on you, your family, and God. God is there for you right where you are.

  2. Oh, Heather--I have been reading all your posts, and missing you, but I keep getting interrupted before I can comment. I am SO GLAD that the moment is right to finally comment...on THIS post!

    I have been wondering how you are doing with friends and community. You all left a big hole in our lives! But I am praying you will find a "home" there eventually.

    Miss you--


  3. Missing you too Heather! I so remember those exact same feelings when we moved here. My experience was it doesn't go away quickly, but one day when you don't even realize it or even notice, that feeling of home will come. In the meantime, stick to the deep truth of Nathan's words. This quote is literally on my fridge "what I love most about my home is who I share it with" (there are cute printable versions on pinterest. Also, know the same mess did not come along with you as you did a ton of sorting and purging, I remember (and am oh so jealous)!

    1. It makes me SO happy to know you are still running... and the mess somehow seemed to follow us!