Saturday, September 15, 2012
Thursday, I saw a glimpse of really good. They spoke words of excitement and joy!
"We climbed Mount Everest and fought bears!" That was the response when their daddy asked how their day was.
"Yes! We climbed Mount Everest and we brought our bikes with us!" The tale got wilder and more exciting. They all chimed in with the parts they liked.
It was the first I heard of it, this adventure I did not even know took place; in the secret world of siblings. Their daddy looked at me and I just smiled. Its all in a fun, Good day in the Jacobs house.
Was another one of those not good, really bad, actually awful days. The kind where every single word was a battle, a fight.
"I KNOW YOU DO NOT WANT ME, I KNOW YOU THINK I WAS A MISTAKE!"
"I LOVE YOU!!!"
"IT SURE DOES NOT SEEM LIKE IT!"
"Really, you think someone who does not love you, chooses to spend all day with you?"
"I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN THIS FAMILY!"
"When you are 18 you can make that choice whether you want to be part of this family or not, but until then you are in it, and I am going to do the best I can. I LOVE YOU!"
Words spoken in anger, did she hear the I LOVE YOU! I spoke that part the loudest, but I am pretty sure the "you can leave this family" part was what stuck in her head.
Banning them from using their bathrooms after hours of scrubbing dirty footprints off floors and trying to get nail polish off counter tops. Words kept flying out of my mouth, words in anger that are sharp.
"YOU DON'T LOVE ME!" she screams at me.
"YES I DO!" I am so quick to scream back.
"YOU DON'T ACT LIKE IT!"
"NEITHER DO YOU!" I said it, stooping to the level of my seven year old.
Hours later, I apologized, not for my anger, which was justified (I think), but for my words and for my voice that spoke words, SCREAMED words I could not take back.
And I was right, "you can leave this family" stuck. As I tucked her in, later that night, she said, "Mom, you know how you said I can leave this family when I am 18?" She continued, "I thought about it and I think this is the right place for me, I belong right here."
Words, words can wound but words can also be a salve to a broken heart, to a mom that wonders why it has to be so difficult. Thankful for more words to speak, "I am so glad sweet girl, I want you! I love you! I am so glad you are in our family."