Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Aren't You Excited?

"Aren't you excited!?!?"
It is what I hear almost every day.
And every part of me, wants to say "Yes!"
But the honest answer is. "Not yet."
In adoption there seems to be this whole, hurry, hurry, wait cycle. And after the wait it is hurry hurry again.
And so that is where we are. I have written earlier in the past couple of posts that life in general has been really hard. It continues to be hard with all that life seems to throw at you. And I hope and pray that in a year or two when I look back on March and April of 2014, I will rejoice at what God has done. But in the middle of it, in the middle of a lot of a lot, I am having a hard time even seeing anything but what is right in front of me.
And then fear creeps in. Fear that I have had as a mom always, fear that I will not be enough. Fear that I will have no idea what I am doing. Even though I have done this four times before, the mom thing, there is so much unknown.
And I fear for Bozhidar, that he will be overwhelmed. I fear that it will be what we expect, and fear that it will not be what we expect.
So much of this process is faith. Trusting that we are doing this because we know it is what our family is to do, but not sure how each day will look. It is trusting that in the end it will be all worth it. All the work and exhaustion. Because this little boy, our son, IS worth it.
And, there is SO much to do. There is the buying of plane tickets, the booking of a place to stay for the two weeks. TWO weeks, I will be away from my family. There is the packing and the finishing up figuring out what to pack. There is the finishing up stuff here for when I get back and the people here who I will miss like crazy. There are four children and my husband that I have never been away from for that long. And I love them so much. And I want to make sure they are taken care of and fed. My husband can do that, but he also has to work. So there is the setting up of child care every day and the meals I am trying to arrange to make sure that they are all okay. I am leaving my family and that is full of emotions. Especially when I feel like my family needs me so much right now, but maybe that is arrogant, they will be okay without me. And there are doctors appointments to finish up and bills to pay and the desparate trying to finish it all. And it might not all get finished. And that will be okay.
But am I excited? That emotion has not been one that has come yet.
So what am I feeling? Fear, overwhelmed, tired and HOPE.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Overflowing with Thankfulness!

This week was a week we had been waiting for! We passed court and became officially the parents and family of Bozhidar Gabriel Jacobs. There became one less orphan. And our family became, "Jacobs Party of 7."

It was at the end of one of the hardest months of my life. I have said this over and over. And then the next month gets harder. I wrote last time about the sickness and anxiety. Thinking, it could not possibly get worse. And I was wrong. The two weeks following those two weeks got exponentially worse. It seemed with each bit of adoption news, each new good thing and step in the right direction we got knocked off our feet again and again.

And then we passed court and we got good news about two things we have been waiting for in personal life. And suddenly the calm came. And it came with more emotions than expected. Because you hold it together just because you have to and then when relief comes so does a lot of emotion.

And today I got the sweetest gift. I got sleep. I laid down during rest time and when my daughter woke me up, I felt like I had slept a year. I wanted to cry with joy at this gift, I was so unaware how hard this month had been even in the middle of it, and now that we have made it, the gift of rest was just that a gift.

And I am SO thankful!

And now the questions...
His name. For the past year most of you all have known him as Hamilton or "Hami." He will probably always be "Hami" especially to my three year old. But his name is Bozhidar. When we met him back at Thanksgiving we both knew we could not change it. We are changing everything else about his life. He does not get to bring anything with him. We are going to keep his name. And his name, it means "Gift from God." And he truly is. His middle name is Gabriel. It is after our church which has given thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars toward bringing him home. The church and the people in the church have gone above and beyond everything and anything I have ever seen or heard of a church doing to bring this little boy home and support our family. They have been a blessing! In the orphanage the call him "Bobby." It might be what he goes by. Maybe Gabe? My sister calls him Bozhi, I kind of like that. We will see what sticks when he comes.

And when do we get to bring him home? We passed court. He is officially ours. But he is still there in the orphanage. We are waiting for official travel dates and trying to get things in order. My mom is going with me and has work schedule that needs working around. Nathan will stay with our kids. It will be a few weeks before we can go and get him.

I do not even know how to say "thank you" to all those that have helped to bring this boy to our family. I have been AMAZED at God's faithfulness through his people. We are VERY blessed!