Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Aren't You Excited?

"Aren't you excited!?!?"
It is what I hear almost every day.
And every part of me, wants to say "Yes!"
But the honest answer is. "Not yet."
In adoption there seems to be this whole, hurry, hurry, wait cycle. And after the wait it is hurry hurry again.
And so that is where we are. I have written earlier in the past couple of posts that life in general has been really hard. It continues to be hard with all that life seems to throw at you. And I hope and pray that in a year or two when I look back on March and April of 2014, I will rejoice at what God has done. But in the middle of it, in the middle of a lot of a lot, I am having a hard time even seeing anything but what is right in front of me.
And then fear creeps in. Fear that I have had as a mom always, fear that I will not be enough. Fear that I will have no idea what I am doing. Even though I have done this four times before, the mom thing, there is so much unknown.
And I fear for Bozhidar, that he will be overwhelmed. I fear that it will be what we expect, and fear that it will not be what we expect.
So much of this process is faith. Trusting that we are doing this because we know it is what our family is to do, but not sure how each day will look. It is trusting that in the end it will be all worth it. All the work and exhaustion. Because this little boy, our son, IS worth it.
And, there is SO much to do. There is the buying of plane tickets, the booking of a place to stay for the two weeks. TWO weeks, I will be away from my family. There is the packing and the finishing up figuring out what to pack. There is the finishing up stuff here for when I get back and the people here who I will miss like crazy. There are four children and my husband that I have never been away from for that long. And I love them so much. And I want to make sure they are taken care of and fed. My husband can do that, but he also has to work. So there is the setting up of child care every day and the meals I am trying to arrange to make sure that they are all okay. I am leaving my family and that is full of emotions. Especially when I feel like my family needs me so much right now, but maybe that is arrogant, they will be okay without me. And there are doctors appointments to finish up and bills to pay and the desparate trying to finish it all. And it might not all get finished. And that will be okay.
But am I excited? That emotion has not been one that has come yet.
So what am I feeling? Fear, overwhelmed, tired and HOPE.

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