Friday, September 25, 2015

Happy Birthday Nathan!

Today is one of my favorite people in the world's birthdays. I am thankful to celebrate the amazing person that he is. Thirteen years ago, we came home from the hospital, on his birthday. It was my present to him, his first baby girl, and I have never been able to top it.

Each year though, I have fallen more in love with this man! He is amazing and funny and smart!  A few years ago I wrote a post telling him 35 things I love about him, I just keep adding to it, now we are at 38.

It seems like every year I say it, "This year has been crazy and life even crazier, but there is no one I would rather spend my crazy life with than you, Nathan Jacobs!"

Sometimes I hold my breath, trying to change the rhythm. Breathing on cue; I panic because suddenly, it does not work like it is supposed to. I feel like I am drowning and I can not breathe. Or, I stop blinking and then try to start and it is hard to see because every blink is an effort, and I wonder maybe this is what my life will be like forever, the effort of breathing and blinking. But then in the middle of all my work I realize I am doing it on my own again. This is not a habit or something I learned. It is part of who I am. I am alive; breathing, blinking alive. And somehow or time or where that is what happened to my heart, with you.

If I tried to stop loving you, to start a different rhythm, it would feel awful. Because my heart is not in the habit of loving you. My love for you has become a part of who I am. My love for you is just like breathing and blinking, it is part my living. The kind of love that when things go wrong, I start to panic, because my heart is off. I work to make it right, I try to make my heart beat right. But then, I realize in the midst that my heart is right back to where it is supposed to be. It knows you so completely, the rhythm of you. The past two years have shown this truer than I could have imagined when I wrote this three years ago.

Today I get to celebrate YOU, my love. Your day! Today I get to celebrate what an amazing man I love with all my heart.

In honor of 38 years of life, here are thirty eight things I love about you!

1.That for twenty one days you officially get to be older than me.

2. Your laugh

3. Your smile

4. That you always put our family first.
5. You care about the hearts of our children
6. Your eyes
7. That you can make up something to eat in the kitchen from WHATEVER is available...
8. and that you always let the kids help
9. That you work hard
10. Watching you paint
11. Watching you hold our children for the first time.
12. Watching you hold our children as they have grown.
13. Going for walks with you
14. Going on adventures with you
15. When you make up stories
16. That you always stop for people on the side of the road
17. You do not get mad when I call you just because I need to
18. That you hate to fight as much as I do
19. That you support most of my crazy plans
20. That you go camping with me even though you hate it...
21. That when I realize camping is not as much fun as an adult and whine a lot you still go camping with me again in case it is going to get better.
22. Your heart
23. Your passion for what you believe
24. Your willingness to admit when you are wrong and say sorry
25. Holding your hand
26. Seeing you live your dreams
27. Sharing our dreams with each other
28. That you cry when you think about our kids growing  up
29. Laughing with you
30. Kissing you
31. That I can trust you completely.
32. Playing Ticket to Ride with you....
33. That you understand that I cry when I lose at Ticket to Ride or any game for that matter
34. Your faith
35. Your mind
36. That our hearts break for the very same thing.
37.  That you do not give up
38.  That you fight for things worth fighting for.

I love you and Happy Birthday Nathan!

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

She is 13!!!

I have no idea how this happened, but somehow it did, today, she is thirteen.  Suddenly now I am the mom of a teenager. I do not feel old enough to have a teenager. But I also cannot remember what my life was like before I was her mom.

And I have cried many tears the past weeks, remembering holding my sweet girl in my arms. I used to dance around the living room singing softly in her ear, "Dance with me Anastasia Grace and we will go to a faraway place! Oh dance with me Anastasia Grace."  I was so in love, I did not know what to do with myself. I remember someone telling me how much she looked forward to family gatherings when her littles were little, because there were so many arms to hold her babies. And I could not imagine ever wanting anyone to ever hold my girl besides me. My arms were made to be a mother, her mother.

The memories are great, moving to Oregon with my little sweet one month old, to start a grand adventure, that fell apart just months later. She has lived through jobs and job loss, moves and no where to call home, school and more school, and still more moves and even more moves, new friends and friends that moved away. And moving away from friends she cherished. She has handled all that life has brought with such grace, joy and wisdom.

And panic grips me because I want to hold so tight to her. I have not protected her enough. And have I even given her wings to fly? How do I do this? This parenting thing. How do I keep her safe and make her ready?

I love her so much.

She is growing up.

And I am so proud of the young lady she is becoming. She is beautiful and funny, kind and compassionate. She is brave. She has more courage and determination than anyone that I know. She faces her fears head on, and she knows what she wants.

She makes friends wherever she goes, but knows who she is.

I love her more each day.

Happy 13th Birthday my Anastasia Grace!