"I WANT OUT!"

"NO, MOMMY! I WANT OUT!"

Screams of independence come from the bed of my little, defiant two-year-old.  A knowledge that, somehow, now that she has found this gifting, the ability to climb to freedom, she is no longer in need of sleep. And she is definitely not in need of a mother to guide her.

For 45 minutes the screams came. The defiant independent screams of a two-year-old who demonstrated the day before her new talent. Three piggy tales, pink puffy ballet dress and all, she climbed out of her pack and play to freedom. Followed by a sweet smile and "I do myself!" she was the complete picture of independence.

"I WANT OUT!" Her voice hoarse and weak from the tens of minutes of screaming.

"He will take great delight in you; he will quiet you with his love; he will rejoice over you with singing." The words fill my head as I once again gently put her back in her bed and whisper, "I love you; you need to sleep." Somehow today my patience is greater than most days. The cries of my child echo the cries I hear to my Father, "I WANT OUT! I WANT TO GO! NOW!" while sitting in a place, stuck in a place I really do not want to be. And I hear "He will quiet you with his love." Though I am weary and weak from yelling; sometimes not yelling; sometimes on my knees whispering prayers, but still weary.

I know it is best to be patient in the place; to rest; to be still, just like I wish she knew it was best. And finally, collapsing, she continues to yell for 45 minutes, but now so tired, she is laying in her bed. Then quiet. Rest.

The LORD your God is with you,
the Might Warrior who  saves.
He will take great delight  in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.

                                  -Zephaniah 17:3

A Higher Calling

Last week I read a post somewhere; I cannot remember where, and I do not really want to link to it because I did not agree with it. BUT it has made me think, so it had that going for it.

The post brought me back to sitting around the campfire with a group after a backpacking trip. I shared my life story and the leader said, "Wow, God is going to use you in a great way." I remember it so clearly. And then I remember speaking to a group after a trip to Russia and again, someone came up to me and reiterating this sentiment: "God is going to really use you!" A little fire was lit in me, and this hope began that God had a great plan for my life.

I kind of thought the great plan would look a little different than being a stay-at-home, home-schooling mom. I thought maybe it would involve feeding kids in Africa, speaking at women's conferences, or writing a book - something, something great, right?

The writer of the blog was talking about only doing what God has called us to do. She suggested that if we are called to a job in marketing, for example, but we spend our time doing odd jobs around the house, then we are not doing a service to God; we are wasting out time. (I am admittedly paraphrasing and interpreting here, so her actual intention may have been a bit different, but that's how I read it.) The point was that, yes, we should do what God has called us to do and not other things we have not been called to do. After all we are all given gifts from God. Some are called to be leaders; others are called to be janitors, right? But is there anyone who is really called to be a janitor? We have an itch to find exactly what God has called us to do. We spend time doing spiritual gift inventories, trying to find what God has gifted us in and thus called us to do in the Church; we try out different careers; we pray for guidance regarding what God wants us to do. But we do not want to do the little things, the things that waste our time, because God has called us to do greater things, right?

I remember being at a church that would not let people serve in children's ministry unless that person felt that such service was their particular calling. But honestly, how many parents, who already spend their days taking care of little kids, want to serve by taking care of little kids instead of going in and worshiping with grown ups? I know there are some, but they are few and far between. And in this church, that was evidently the case. There was never enough people to serve, and there was always a wait list to get your kids into the nursery due to the lack of workers. Sometimes, we need to serve in the littler things that are oh-so-important. Children's ministry may be a bad example because there is an obvious purpose to it; you are loving on the little hearts of children. Clearly children were (and are) dear to Jesus's heart, and perhaps we can see the benefit of serving in this way. But what about the calling to clean the church? What about the person that works as a cashier at Wal-Mart? Or the waitress at Perkins who gets up at 4 a.m. to serve coffee and breakfast to people going to "real" jobs, so that she can pay the bills? Is she doing what God has called her to do? Maybe so. I do not know, and I do not know why it irritates me so much to hear (or read) that only those serving in a "ministry position" are doing what God has called them to do. Perhaps this is just  my struggle.

We are to be faithful in the little things, and this is where I struggle. I want to do the big things. But what if, for that reason, I am not being faithful in the little things? "Little things" like raising my children; "little things" like cleaning my house with a thankful heart that I have one. What if Romans 12:1-2 is true, which says, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of Gods mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." St. Paul does go on to say that we are given gifts and we should use those gifts, but God's will, his good, perfect and pleasing will is to not conform to the pattern of this world; to live a changed life; to serve faithfully in whatever we are doing, offering all of our lives to God. It does not say to not do the little things. In fact, God's judgment of what is little and what is big is often different than our own:  "[Jesus] said to them, 'You are the ones who justify yourselves in the  eyes of  others, but God knows your hearts. What people value  highly is detestable in God's sight.'" (Luke 16:15). And as far as the "little things" are concerned, they are the measuring rod, for God, of what we can be trusted with. To again quote Jesus, "'Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with  much, and whoever is dishonest with very  little will also be dishonest with much...'" (Luke 16:10).

By no means do I mean we should not be faithful to what God calls us to do. My husband is an incredibly talented artist and teacher. And I think he should be teaching and painting. But does that mean he should not do the dishes? That doing so is not using his time wisely? Does that mean he should not mow the grass, even if he hates it? Or that, when doing so, he is not doing the things God has called him to do? I do not think so. And I think there are people who serve in the church in ways that do not come with some supernatural empowerment or "gifting," but they are still serving God faithfully. They are being faithful in the "little things" and are aware of the higher calling - a call to serve faithfully in the place God has placed them. 

Change

Change has happened so much recently in our house that it seems this is possibly the normal and change would actually be a settled down life.
I used to crave change. I thought if we would move, I would get to start over, I would get to be a new me, one that maybe people liked a lot more
And the first time I got to change, was college. A new scenery and I loved it.
But over the past few years change has become our new constant. And I crave the normalcy of no change.
The thing I am thankful for is that despite all the changes we face, the moving, the new friends, new church, new grocery store, new running routes, new schedules, new everything. Despite the new starting outs. God does not change.
And this convicts me, because as a child of God, I am held up by that promise, that God does not change. He is constant.
I think in the midst of my changes, I need to keep some constants in my life, some same stories read, the same bed, the same favorite meals. Things that make change a little easier for all these little people counting on me to get them through the change.

This post was written for 5 minute Fridays..

"Where is the me time Billy?!?!"

This is one of my favorite moments in the show "Friday Night Lights."
Disclaimer (there is one not so nice word in this clip)

My husband and I quote this all the time.  "Where's the me time Billy?"

I have been very blessed to have a husband who fully supports me and me time, he is generous enough to give it whenever I need it even if he has had a long day, because he really wants a happy wife. I am very thankful, and I want time for me. But I think sometimes this is something that gets in the way of letting me be who God wants me to be. The "well done good and faithful servant" as a mom might look like this: Completely empty, wiped on the floor, crawling to bed because I was poured out serving my family and my kids. And this does not always sound appealing to me, well honestly the whole "wiped out" "crawling to bed" rarely sounds appealing.

So I usually find some "me time" so I can maybe have some more "me time" when my kids go to bed. And it is possible that I am the guiltiest of all the moms I know. I know many moms that work all day, serving families and doing what they do, then put kids to bed and stay up late working. I am not one of those people. But I admire those people.

I somehow need a reward for everything, and I teach my kids it too. I need chocolate to get through the rough morning, with little sleep from a child up all night coughing and others taking advantage of the sleep deprived mom fighting, and doctor's visits that last two hours. Maybe we should get McDonald's, that will make today better. Or stop for coffee. I think I need wine tonight, after the day I had. Or maybe I need to go out and spend some time alone. I am by no means saying any of these things are bad. And I am not saying that I do not make these excuses two to three times a day.Excuses for reward. BUT I am saying that maybe just maybe this is what is causing me to be stuck. This is what is preventing me from actually living out the life God has called me to.

And as moms I think we really encourage this behavior in each other. We laugh and nod our heads in full agreement when we hear another mom's story about the fit their child threw. And we agree wholeheartedly that they need a break. And I write it on this blog, the need I have for a break, for someone to give me an excuse for a treat or reward. But what if I did not look for an excuse, what if I pushed through. I sat up and rocked all night, holding close the child who was coughing, I calmly put the fighting children in time out over and over again until they showed a hint of a heart that changed. A heart that maybe is also reflecting a change in her mother who did not scream back. What if I smiled politely at the doctor who had a really rough morning, overbooked with sick kids and gave some grace. What if then I went home and thanked God for an opportunity to love with God's love, to be different in this world? What if I thanked God for a chance to grow, a chance to become more Christ like? What if I did not just get by, but seized each opportunity. I think it would bless my children and me, if I did not settle for a "getting by" "reward due" life, if I set the standard a little higher and persevered when it got a little hard or a lot hard. If I lived a life that was a blessing because I gave all I had to give.

To Homeschool or Not Homeschool-- That is my question!

This issue is VERY sensitive, I know. And people I love and care about have very strong feelings, ideas, thoughts about homeschooling. But this is just my thoughts on it, where we are at today.

I had sworn I would never homeschool. I can remember as a college student picking out the kids who were probably homeschooled because of how socially awkward they were. I was surprisingly wrong... apparently awkward kids even go to public school. BUT I was certain that the majority of homeschooled kids were awkward. And then I met some families that homeschooled, and I thought, "those kids are not really weird... but the mom is INSANE for not wanting to send them away for a few hours a day." I knew that I would be a mom with a career. I knew that I wanted my kids to go to school.

And then school time came. And the school system we were in was not great, we could not afford private school and my Anya was young. I figured, if I messed it all up, it would be OK, because there was always next year, she could still do Kindergarten when she was 4 almost 5, so we did school. And I knew not a whole lot about it, I was determined to teach her to read. I figured that was enough for a child who just turned four. I forced her for two hours a day to read with me. We did Explode the Code. And I did not realize that the eight books are supposed to last until 4th grade. SO I made her complete one book a month. By the time April came she was reading three syllable words and having to fill in crossword puzzles. I finally read the recommended use of the books and realized that we were half way through book 7 and she was 4. We put it all away for the year and called it good. And I counted it a kind of success. She could read, she knew some basic math and we had done some kind of cool projects for history. So we decided to do it again, because we were moving in a year, and why start a new school when you are getting ready to move. Then we moved, and her sister had just one year until kindergarten, so why not start them together. Then another baby came. I came up with a new reason every year to keep them home. And I loved it, not all of it, not every day. But I loved our later breakfasts, our discussions, our laughing, that if we fought, it was resolved within the hour, not eight hours later when they got home. I loved that when school was done at noon (which it almost always was) they could play together.They were kids and they could play.  And they could do activities in the evening like gymnastics and AWANA, and it was OK because they had spent the whole day with me and they were not worn out. I loved the flexibility of being able to go visit family not on set vacations. I have always said we would homeschool as long as it worked for our family, and so far it was working. I know some  people think I am insane like I used to about those moms who chose to stay home with their kids. And some people do not think they are cut out for it. I do not know if it is something you are cut out for or something you choose to make yourself cut out for. It is not easy, it is work and it is another one of those sanctifying things in life, like marriage and motherhood. So far it has been worth it.

BUT this year has been one of the hardest years of my life... including job loss, looking for new job, broken foot, foot surgery and moving to a brand new state. I also worked part-time this year, which was quite a change for me. Two days a week, I left their lesson plans and then just tried to catch up on the days I was home. But it was not easy. And then we moved, and I could not even imagine trying to start school. I just wanted a break. I have never not been excited at the beginning of a school year to get out the books and start fresh. David has been begging to do school when we move to Arkansas. He could not wait to start. He is only four but I thought before moving it would be great to start reading with him. But it never came, the excitement to homeschool. I considered over and over, just sending them to school. I know public schools are not bad. I went to public school. I LOVED school. So, I cried and talked to my husband and prayed (probably not enough of this one). I really just did not want to do it this year. But I kept hearing this voice in my head. I was at a conference several years ago for moms, and I went to hear a women speak on homeschooling. She said her son usually comes with her, but he couldn't because he was in college now and had something going on, but he asked her to share one thing. She said, "He asked me to tell you not to give up on us, the kids don't give up on your kids." And that was exactly what I felt like I was doing. I am tired, but does that mean I should not be a mom? I know sometimes, the best thing is to take a break. Sometimes the best thing is to step back and say, lets try something new for one year. But also sometimes the best thing is to push through, to persevere, and to not give up. Sometimes the best things take a lot of work even when they are hard.

So, last night we took a few minutes to just review why we homeschool.  I homeschool because I want to keep my children safe. I want to protect them. And I know that many people will not agree that is a good reason, but I am going to disagree. Because that is my job as mom. To protect them while they are small and help them find their wings and push them when they are ready. I homeschool because I want them to have a foundation that is solid, their identity grounded in who God made them to be. I want them to be in a safe place where they can make mistakes and and fail and know that they are loved regardless. I want to protect them now while they are young and then be ready to send them off when they are ready, I am not sure when that will be and pray that God will give me wisdom to know. I do not homeschool because I am the best teacher, I question that a lo. Thankfully I am married to a very gifted teacher, who has agreed for the first time in our five years of teaching to help. He is going to take over Latin and Art and Theology. And they could not have a better teacher for those things. And I will do the things I love like curling up on the couch and reading really good books and talk about what we learned. We will do a lot of review on grammar and keep on with our math. We are going to meet with a group to do some of our history and memorization. And we are going to do some nature notebooking and spend more time outside learning about God's creation for science. And we will continue to take it one year at a time... or maybe one semester at a time this year.

Coffee!!!

I love coffee, I am not overly particular about it, but it is rare that I go a day without it. I started just being able to drink Starbucks. We should have bought stock in the company because "grande nonfat no-whip mocha" became such a common phrase in my house that my two year could tell her father what mom would want if he was at Starbucks. Well, our budget does not love Starbucks, so it became more like a once a week phrase. However, we have  now moved to a place where while running I hear roosters crowing and cows mooing early in the morning and the closest Starbucks is 40 minutes away!!! Thankfully as a going away present my bosses bought me a Keurig. (I had dreamed of one for over a year) And my running friends bought me some Starbucks K-cups. So I have been making due. 

But then we went to a new friend's house who was talking about making your coffee healthier. They add butter from grass fed cows and coconut oil instead of creamer or milk. As they described it, the butter from grass fed cows has more omega 3's which help your body absorb the other things we need from fruits and vegetables throughout the rest of the day. (full disclaimer that this was just information I blindly accepted as true-- I do know that the butter from grass fed cows does have more omega 3s and I have heard they are good for you) and coconut oil has lots of health benefits, some of which can be found here. So, I am giving it a try, since Starbucks is clearly out.  

Fighting Fear

“Fear Not, I Have Redeemed You, I Have Called You by Name, You are Mine.” Isaiah 43:10

It is one of the verses from a silly song that my kids used to listen to over and over. The A-Z scripture verses. It was the letter “F” and it is the one that sticks with me four or five years later. It is kind of funny how with each child has come more fear. More concern over their lives and more over mine.

I used to be quite fearless. I was confident in the idea that I would try anything once. I was certain if given the opportunity I would bungee jump off a bridge or jump off a cliff into a pristine lake. I loved to have my heart race. I was surprised then, when I decided to work part-time at a camp several years ago, and they asked us to try everything once I was faced with fear. I was working in the high ropes course, and there was a zip line. I had never been on a zip line. They asked me to try it, and with trepidation I stepped off that ledge and flew at an insane speed down through the air attached only by some tiny wire thing to another tiny wire thing. I was quite certain I was going to be dead from a heart attack by the time my feet touched ground. Once I reached the end, I was greeted with eager individuals, “That wasn’t so bad was it!” “Don’t you want to do it again?” I looked at them in disgust! Absolutely! Positively! NEVER! I could feel tears stinging my eyes. And the director reassured me that this did seem to happen once people became parents.

And, it is probably a good thing, to have some fear, not the fearlessness of an eighteen year old who thinks they are immortal. But it has taken over some parts of my life. Flying for example, I HATE to fly, I do not know why that in my late twenties it finally occurred to me that planes fly through the air and being someone who knows nothing about physics or science, this makes no sense to me HOW they fly through the air. So, flying for me now is a horrible experience.

The place I hate fear has taken the greatest hold is in my children. They are taking on my fears. Fear of storms and spiders, sickness and the unknown. It makes my heart break. I want their lives to be full of hopes and dreams, not darkened by fear. Because I have these hopes and dreams for them bigger than any I had for myself. I spoke with my daughter last night about how this fear that sometimes cripples her to the point of not being able to leave the house is so far from what God has planned for her. And she knows, this is not the life, the life to the fullest that God has planned for her.

I share the few things that have changed my view on fear. The first is something my mom always said, when I would say that God would protect me. She would say that I was right, that as long as I was not testing God, He would protect me… now jumping off a cliff, that was testing God, but being wise and using good judgment, there is no need to live in fear. She is right after all my travel and adventures, the one major injury I sustained was walking down my basement stairs in my home. It was not while climbing on a mountain or white water rafting. It was carrying a bread machine down the stairs while talking on the phone. Also, I remember a woman sharing at a retreat her fear of flying after nearly crashing. She said God spoke so clearly to her that she could not fellowship with fear and God. There is only room for one. I would so much rather fellowship with God.  And I will fight fear for my children, with them, holding to the promises we are given.  Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”