Saturday, September 15, 2012
Words
Thursday, I saw a glimpse of really good. They spoke words of excitement and joy!
"We climbed Mount Everest and fought bears!" That was the response when their daddy asked how their day was.
"Yes! We climbed Mount Everest and we brought our bikes with us!" The tale got wilder and more exciting. They all chimed in with the parts they liked.
It was the first I heard of it, this adventure I did not even know took place; in the secret world of siblings. Their daddy looked at me and I just smiled. Its all in a fun, Good day in the Jacobs house.
BUT Friday...
Was another one of those not good, really bad, actually awful days. The kind where every single word was a battle, a fight.
"I KNOW YOU DO NOT WANT ME, I KNOW YOU THINK I WAS A MISTAKE!"
"I LOVE YOU!!!"
"IT SURE DOES NOT SEEM LIKE IT!"
"Really, you think someone who does not love you, chooses to spend all day with you?"
"I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN THIS FAMILY!"
"When you are 18 you can make that choice whether you want to be part of this family or not, but until then you are in it, and I am going to do the best I can. I LOVE YOU!"
Words spoken in anger, did she hear the I LOVE YOU! I spoke that part the loudest, but I am pretty sure the "you can leave this family" part was what stuck in her head.
Banning them from using their bathrooms after hours of scrubbing dirty footprints off floors and trying to get nail polish off counter tops. Words kept flying out of my mouth, words in anger that are sharp.
"YOU DON'T LOVE ME!" she screams at me.
"YES I DO!" I am so quick to scream back.
"YOU DON'T ACT LIKE IT!"
"NEITHER DO YOU!" I said it, stooping to the level of my seven year old.
Hours later, I apologized, not for my anger, which was justified (I think), but for my words and for my voice that spoke words, SCREAMED words I could not take back.
And I was right, "you can leave this family" stuck. As I tucked her in, later that night, she said, "Mom, you know how you said I can leave this family when I am 18?" She continued, "I thought about it and I think this is the right place for me, I belong right here."
Words, words can wound but words can also be a salve to a broken heart, to a mom that wonders why it has to be so difficult. Thankful for more words to speak, "I am so glad sweet girl, I want you! I love you! I am so glad you are in our family."
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Made New
The smells, the sounds, they are all familiar. Wet leaves crunching under shoes, sticking to sneakers, it is damp and colorful and cooler, sometimes cooler, and Fall. I love it; I have always loved it.
It is probably the hardest part for me about homeschooling. I love the idea of a new beginning. I love shopping for new school clothes, the smell of new notebooks and new pencils. Everything is new. I looked forward to it, and I still miss it sometimes.
I worry that maybe they are missing something. And through children in love with summer, content with three shirts and shorts, continuing to sleep in and enjoy the summer that seems to last longer in the south, I am learning to appreciate the joy of not-new. The joy of just being content in the now.
AND I still have some new. I still look forward to the start of new things - the start of AWANA, which was a hit this year, thankfully; the start of new moms groups; the start of new routine; the start of actual routine. That is what I need. Routine.
BUT sometimes the new does not fit, like my son's size three pants that he insists on wearing - the kind that do not quite reach his ankles. They are not quite as comfortable because he grew. I grew. How I longed to have a new to meet with other moms, studying God's Word together. But it did not quite fit because I changed. I grew. I am different. And I am not quite as comfortable. And I feel weird. And sometimes I want to be in size three pants, to be back to how it was when it was so comfortable. But I am not. I am different. And I have no idea how to fit in.
I remember talking with some friends about the need for brokenness. And I waited on it with anxious anticipation, eager for a work to be done in me. I looked forward to growing, to not fitting in the same place. I looked forward to the new. And they thought I was insane. They feared it. But I looked forward to it because I knew I am a work in progress. But that was when I knew who I thought God wanted me to be.
Who I wanted to be was not who God wanted me to be. It WAS who God wanted me to be that made me not fit. The changes, they were gradual. But I grew, sometimes in pain, sometimes without even knowing it. But I changed. In brokenness, I became more of who God called me to be. And I am not done. Not now.
But I am not so sure about the new now.
It was more comfortable before the new.
It was more comfortable being three. I love when my son talks about doing everything when he is five. Apparently he might change the world when he is five if all his dreams and hopes of five come true. But then comes the reality of five - OR even four, where he is. Then comes the reality that there is responsibility with age; responsibility that was not there when he was three; the reality that he has changed; that he has grown. And sometimes it is a lot easier to not be five. Three is a lot easier.
New looks a lot different. There was something familiar about the new before. It was new, but familiar. THIS, this is new but unfamiliar. BUT this is new where God has called me.
NEW.
Changed.
A new Creation.
It is probably the hardest part for me about homeschooling. I love the idea of a new beginning. I love shopping for new school clothes, the smell of new notebooks and new pencils. Everything is new. I looked forward to it, and I still miss it sometimes.
I worry that maybe they are missing something. And through children in love with summer, content with three shirts and shorts, continuing to sleep in and enjoy the summer that seems to last longer in the south, I am learning to appreciate the joy of not-new. The joy of just being content in the now.
AND I still have some new. I still look forward to the start of new things - the start of AWANA, which was a hit this year, thankfully; the start of new moms groups; the start of new routine; the start of actual routine. That is what I need. Routine.
BUT sometimes the new does not fit, like my son's size three pants that he insists on wearing - the kind that do not quite reach his ankles. They are not quite as comfortable because he grew. I grew. How I longed to have a new to meet with other moms, studying God's Word together. But it did not quite fit because I changed. I grew. I am different. And I am not quite as comfortable. And I feel weird. And sometimes I want to be in size three pants, to be back to how it was when it was so comfortable. But I am not. I am different. And I have no idea how to fit in.
I remember talking with some friends about the need for brokenness. And I waited on it with anxious anticipation, eager for a work to be done in me. I looked forward to growing, to not fitting in the same place. I looked forward to the new. And they thought I was insane. They feared it. But I looked forward to it because I knew I am a work in progress. But that was when I knew who I thought God wanted me to be.
Who I wanted to be was not who God wanted me to be. It WAS who God wanted me to be that made me not fit. The changes, they were gradual. But I grew, sometimes in pain, sometimes without even knowing it. But I changed. In brokenness, I became more of who God called me to be. And I am not done. Not now.
But I am not so sure about the new now.
It was more comfortable before the new.
It was more comfortable being three. I love when my son talks about doing everything when he is five. Apparently he might change the world when he is five if all his dreams and hopes of five come true. But then comes the reality of five - OR even four, where he is. Then comes the reality that there is responsibility with age; responsibility that was not there when he was three; the reality that he has changed; that he has grown. And sometimes it is a lot easier to not be five. Three is a lot easier.
New looks a lot different. There was something familiar about the new before. It was new, but familiar. THIS, this is new but unfamiliar. BUT this is new where God has called me.
NEW.
Changed.
A new Creation.
Monday, September 10, 2012
This is not my home
This song keeps running through my head.
"Can you picture our Christmas tree here? Where would we put it?" That was the first and main question I asked when looking for a house, a new place to call home.
"I just don't know if this is it, if this is where I can be 'home,'" I questioned.
"It is where those four children are, where our family is," my husband reminds me.
It is where their pattering feet are, their beds, their sweet laughter, that will be our home.
He is right, but somehow I am still unsettled.
All the boxes, all our stuff, the same pictures, their beds, the same mess. It all came with us. But this time, I am aware of a longing for something more, the "are we there yet" that I hear from the car the moment the car starts continues in my soul - the waiting for the arrival.
I unpack boxes and find just the right color to paint my living room. But I am still restless because this is not my home. This is not where I belong.
Yesterday, while watching football, of all things, sent me into an hour of homesickness, of longing for people to know who I am and still like me, of longing for friends that I do not have to try with anymore. I was homesick for friends that are home.
I was homesick for friends that meet me for coffee and cookies; for friends that run with me in take-my-breath-away cold and snowstorms; for friends that are okay with me making mistakes; for friends that drive me to the doctor when I have broken my foot or have cut my daughters finger with the nail clipper and do not have a car; for friends who laugh at my mistakes with me and let me see them in theirs.
I am thankful for the blessings that we have in this world. The blessing of people who have made this place a home while we wait for the home we were made for.
Friday, September 7, 2012
"I WANT OUT!"
"NO, MOMMY! I WANT OUT!"
Screams of independence come from the bed of my little, defiant two-year-old. A knowledge that, somehow, now that she has found this gifting, the ability to climb to freedom, she is no longer in need of sleep. And she is definitely not in need of a mother to guide her.
For 45 minutes the screams came. The defiant independent screams of a two-year-old who demonstrated the day before her new talent. Three piggy tales, pink puffy ballet dress and all, she climbed out of her pack and play to freedom. Followed by a sweet smile and "I do myself!" she was the complete picture of independence.
"I WANT OUT!" Her voice hoarse and weak from the tens of minutes of screaming.
"He will take great delight in you; he will quiet you with his love; he will rejoice over you with singing." The words fill my head as I once again gently put her back in her bed and whisper, "I love you; you need to sleep." Somehow today my patience is greater than most days. The cries of my child echo the cries I hear to my Father, "I WANT OUT! I WANT TO GO! NOW!" while sitting in a place, stuck in a place I really do not want to be. And I hear "He will quiet you with his love." Though I am weary and weak from yelling; sometimes not yelling; sometimes on my knees whispering prayers, but still weary.
I know it is best to be patient in the place; to rest; to be still, just like I wish she knew it was best. And finally, collapsing, she continues to yell for 45 minutes, but now so tired, she is laying in her bed. Then quiet. Rest.
The LORD your God is with you,
the Might Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.
-Zephaniah 17:3
Screams of independence come from the bed of my little, defiant two-year-old. A knowledge that, somehow, now that she has found this gifting, the ability to climb to freedom, she is no longer in need of sleep. And she is definitely not in need of a mother to guide her.
For 45 minutes the screams came. The defiant independent screams of a two-year-old who demonstrated the day before her new talent. Three piggy tales, pink puffy ballet dress and all, she climbed out of her pack and play to freedom. Followed by a sweet smile and "I do myself!" she was the complete picture of independence.
"I WANT OUT!" Her voice hoarse and weak from the tens of minutes of screaming.
"He will take great delight in you; he will quiet you with his love; he will rejoice over you with singing." The words fill my head as I once again gently put her back in her bed and whisper, "I love you; you need to sleep." Somehow today my patience is greater than most days. The cries of my child echo the cries I hear to my Father, "I WANT OUT! I WANT TO GO! NOW!" while sitting in a place, stuck in a place I really do not want to be. And I hear "He will quiet you with his love." Though I am weary and weak from yelling; sometimes not yelling; sometimes on my knees whispering prayers, but still weary.
I know it is best to be patient in the place; to rest; to be still, just like I wish she knew it was best. And finally, collapsing, she continues to yell for 45 minutes, but now so tired, she is laying in her bed. Then quiet. Rest.
The LORD your God is with you,
the Might Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.
-Zephaniah 17:3
Monday, September 3, 2012
A Higher Calling
Last week I read a post somewhere; I cannot remember where, and I do not really want to link to it because I did not agree with it. BUT it has made me think, so it had that going for it.
The post brought me back to sitting around the campfire with a group after a backpacking trip. I shared my life story and the leader said, "Wow, God is going to use you in a great way." I remember it so clearly. And then I remember speaking to a group after a trip to Russia and again, someone came up to me and reiterating this sentiment: "God is going to really use you!" A little fire was lit in me, and this hope began that God had a great plan for my life.
I kind of thought the great plan would look a little different than being a stay-at-home, home-schooling mom. I thought maybe it would involve feeding kids in Africa, speaking at women's conferences, or writing a book - something, something great, right?
The writer of the blog was talking about only doing what God has called us to do. She suggested that if we are called to a job in marketing, for example, but we spend our time doing odd jobs around the house, then we are not doing a service to God; we are wasting out time. (I am admittedly paraphrasing and interpreting here, so her actual intention may have been a bit different, but that's how I read it.) The point was that, yes, we should do what God has called us to do and not other things we have not been called to do. After all we are all given gifts from God. Some are called to be leaders; others are called to be janitors, right? But is there anyone who is really called to be a janitor? We have an itch to find exactly what God has called us to do. We spend time doing spiritual gift inventories, trying to find what God has gifted us in and thus called us to do in the Church; we try out different careers; we pray for guidance regarding what God wants us to do. But we do not want to do the little things, the things that waste our time, because God has called us to do greater things, right?
I remember being at a church that would not let people serve in children's ministry unless that person felt that such service was their particular calling. But honestly, how many parents, who already spend their days taking care of little kids, want to serve by taking care of little kids instead of going in and worshiping with grown ups? I know there are some, but they are few and far between. And in this church, that was evidently the case. There was never enough people to serve, and there was always a wait list to get your kids into the nursery due to the lack of workers. Sometimes, we need to serve in the littler things that are oh-so-important. Children's ministry may be a bad example because there is an obvious purpose to it; you are loving on the little hearts of children. Clearly children were (and are) dear to Jesus's heart, and perhaps we can see the benefit of serving in this way. But what about the calling to clean the church? What about the person that works as a cashier at Wal-Mart? Or the waitress at Perkins who gets up at 4 a.m. to serve coffee and breakfast to people going to "real" jobs, so that she can pay the bills? Is she doing what God has called her to do? Maybe so. I do not know, and I do not know why it irritates me so much to hear (or read) that only those serving in a "ministry position" are doing what God has called them to do. Perhaps this is just my struggle.
We are to be faithful in the little things, and this is where I struggle. I want to do the big things. But what if, for that reason, I am not being faithful in the little things? "Little things" like raising my children; "little things" like cleaning my house with a thankful heart that I have one. What if Romans 12:1-2 is true, which says, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of Gods mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." St. Paul does go on to say that we are given gifts and we should use those gifts, but God's will, his good, perfect and pleasing will is to not conform to the pattern of this world; to live a changed life; to serve faithfully in whatever we are doing, offering all of our lives to God. It does not say to not do the little things. In fact, God's judgment of what is little and what is big is often different than our own: "[Jesus] said to them, 'You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of others, but God knows your hearts. What people value highly is detestable in God's sight.'" (Luke 16:15). And as far as the "little things" are concerned, they are the measuring rod, for God, of what we can be trusted with. To again quote Jesus, "'Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much...'" (Luke 16:10).
By no means do I mean we should not be faithful to what God calls us to do. My husband is an incredibly talented artist and teacher. And I think he should be teaching and painting. But does that mean he should not do the dishes? That doing so is not using his time wisely? Does that mean he should not mow the grass, even if he hates it? Or that, when doing so, he is not doing the things God has called him to do? I do not think so. And I think there are people who serve in the church in ways that do not come with some supernatural empowerment or "gifting," but they are still serving God faithfully. They are being faithful in the "little things" and are aware of the higher calling - a call to serve faithfully in the place God has placed them.
The post brought me back to sitting around the campfire with a group after a backpacking trip. I shared my life story and the leader said, "Wow, God is going to use you in a great way." I remember it so clearly. And then I remember speaking to a group after a trip to Russia and again, someone came up to me and reiterating this sentiment: "God is going to really use you!" A little fire was lit in me, and this hope began that God had a great plan for my life.
I kind of thought the great plan would look a little different than being a stay-at-home, home-schooling mom. I thought maybe it would involve feeding kids in Africa, speaking at women's conferences, or writing a book - something, something great, right?
The writer of the blog was talking about only doing what God has called us to do. She suggested that if we are called to a job in marketing, for example, but we spend our time doing odd jobs around the house, then we are not doing a service to God; we are wasting out time. (I am admittedly paraphrasing and interpreting here, so her actual intention may have been a bit different, but that's how I read it.) The point was that, yes, we should do what God has called us to do and not other things we have not been called to do. After all we are all given gifts from God. Some are called to be leaders; others are called to be janitors, right? But is there anyone who is really called to be a janitor? We have an itch to find exactly what God has called us to do. We spend time doing spiritual gift inventories, trying to find what God has gifted us in and thus called us to do in the Church; we try out different careers; we pray for guidance regarding what God wants us to do. But we do not want to do the little things, the things that waste our time, because God has called us to do greater things, right?
I remember being at a church that would not let people serve in children's ministry unless that person felt that such service was their particular calling. But honestly, how many parents, who already spend their days taking care of little kids, want to serve by taking care of little kids instead of going in and worshiping with grown ups? I know there are some, but they are few and far between. And in this church, that was evidently the case. There was never enough people to serve, and there was always a wait list to get your kids into the nursery due to the lack of workers. Sometimes, we need to serve in the littler things that are oh-so-important. Children's ministry may be a bad example because there is an obvious purpose to it; you are loving on the little hearts of children. Clearly children were (and are) dear to Jesus's heart, and perhaps we can see the benefit of serving in this way. But what about the calling to clean the church? What about the person that works as a cashier at Wal-Mart? Or the waitress at Perkins who gets up at 4 a.m. to serve coffee and breakfast to people going to "real" jobs, so that she can pay the bills? Is she doing what God has called her to do? Maybe so. I do not know, and I do not know why it irritates me so much to hear (or read) that only those serving in a "ministry position" are doing what God has called them to do. Perhaps this is just my struggle.
We are to be faithful in the little things, and this is where I struggle. I want to do the big things. But what if, for that reason, I am not being faithful in the little things? "Little things" like raising my children; "little things" like cleaning my house with a thankful heart that I have one. What if Romans 12:1-2 is true, which says, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of Gods mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." St. Paul does go on to say that we are given gifts and we should use those gifts, but God's will, his good, perfect and pleasing will is to not conform to the pattern of this world; to live a changed life; to serve faithfully in whatever we are doing, offering all of our lives to God. It does not say to not do the little things. In fact, God's judgment of what is little and what is big is often different than our own: "[Jesus] said to them, 'You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of others, but God knows your hearts. What people value highly is detestable in God's sight.'" (Luke 16:15). And as far as the "little things" are concerned, they are the measuring rod, for God, of what we can be trusted with. To again quote Jesus, "'Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much...'" (Luke 16:10).
By no means do I mean we should not be faithful to what God calls us to do. My husband is an incredibly talented artist and teacher. And I think he should be teaching and painting. But does that mean he should not do the dishes? That doing so is not using his time wisely? Does that mean he should not mow the grass, even if he hates it? Or that, when doing so, he is not doing the things God has called him to do? I do not think so. And I think there are people who serve in the church in ways that do not come with some supernatural empowerment or "gifting," but they are still serving God faithfully. They are being faithful in the "little things" and are aware of the higher calling - a call to serve faithfully in the place God has placed them.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Change
Change has happened so much recently in our house that it seems this is possibly the normal and change would actually be a settled down life.
I used to crave change. I thought if we would move, I would get to start over, I would get to be a new me, one that maybe people liked a lot more
And the first time I got to change, was college. A new scenery and I loved it.
But over the past few years change has become our new constant. And I crave the normalcy of no change.
The thing I am thankful for is that despite all the changes we face, the moving, the new friends, new church, new grocery store, new running routes, new schedules, new everything. Despite the new starting outs. God does not change.
And this convicts me, because as a child of God, I am held up by that promise, that God does not change. He is constant.
I think in the midst of my changes, I need to keep some constants in my life, some same stories read, the same bed, the same favorite meals. Things that make change a little easier for all these little people counting on me to get them through the change.
This post was written for 5 minute Fridays..
I used to crave change. I thought if we would move, I would get to start over, I would get to be a new me, one that maybe people liked a lot more
And the first time I got to change, was college. A new scenery and I loved it.
But over the past few years change has become our new constant. And I crave the normalcy of no change.
The thing I am thankful for is that despite all the changes we face, the moving, the new friends, new church, new grocery store, new running routes, new schedules, new everything. Despite the new starting outs. God does not change.
And this convicts me, because as a child of God, I am held up by that promise, that God does not change. He is constant.
I think in the midst of my changes, I need to keep some constants in my life, some same stories read, the same bed, the same favorite meals. Things that make change a little easier for all these little people counting on me to get them through the change.
This post was written for 5 minute Fridays..
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
"Where is the me time Billy?!?!"
This is one of my favorite moments in the show "Friday Night Lights."
Disclaimer (there is one not so nice word in this clip)
My husband and I quote this all the time. "Where's the me time Billy?"
I have been very blessed to have a husband who fully supports me and me time, he is generous enough to give it whenever I need it even if he has had a long day, because he really wants a happy wife. I am very thankful, and I want time for me. But I think sometimes this is something that gets in the way of letting me be who God wants me to be. The "well done good and faithful servant" as a mom might look like this: Completely empty, wiped on the floor, crawling to bed because I was poured out serving my family and my kids. And this does not always sound appealing to me, well honestly the whole "wiped out" "crawling to bed" rarely sounds appealing.
So I usually find some "me time" so I can maybe have some more "me time" when my kids go to bed. And it is possible that I am the guiltiest of all the moms I know. I know many moms that work all day, serving families and doing what they do, then put kids to bed and stay up late working. I am not one of those people. But I admire those people.
I somehow need a reward for everything, and I teach my kids it too. I need chocolate to get through the rough morning, with little sleep from a child up all night coughing and others taking advantage of the sleep deprived mom fighting, and doctor's visits that last two hours. Maybe we should get McDonald's, that will make today better. Or stop for coffee. I think I need wine tonight, after the day I had. Or maybe I need to go out and spend some time alone. I am by no means saying any of these things are bad. And I am not saying that I do not make these excuses two to three times a day.Excuses for reward. BUT I am saying that maybe just maybe this is what is causing me to be stuck. This is what is preventing me from actually living out the life God has called me to.
And as moms I think we really encourage this behavior in each other. We laugh and nod our heads in full agreement when we hear another mom's story about the fit their child threw. And we agree wholeheartedly that they need a break. And I write it on this blog, the need I have for a break, for someone to give me an excuse for a treat or reward. But what if I did not look for an excuse, what if I pushed through. I sat up and rocked all night, holding close the child who was coughing, I calmly put the fighting children in time out over and over again until they showed a hint of a heart that changed. A heart that maybe is also reflecting a change in her mother who did not scream back. What if I smiled politely at the doctor who had a really rough morning, overbooked with sick kids and gave some grace. What if then I went home and thanked God for an opportunity to love with God's love, to be different in this world? What if I thanked God for a chance to grow, a chance to become more Christ like? What if I did not just get by, but seized each opportunity. I think it would bless my children and me, if I did not settle for a "getting by" "reward due" life, if I set the standard a little higher and persevered when it got a little hard or a lot hard. If I lived a life that was a blessing because I gave all I had to give.
Disclaimer (there is one not so nice word in this clip)
My husband and I quote this all the time. "Where's the me time Billy?"
I have been very blessed to have a husband who fully supports me and me time, he is generous enough to give it whenever I need it even if he has had a long day, because he really wants a happy wife. I am very thankful, and I want time for me. But I think sometimes this is something that gets in the way of letting me be who God wants me to be. The "well done good and faithful servant" as a mom might look like this: Completely empty, wiped on the floor, crawling to bed because I was poured out serving my family and my kids. And this does not always sound appealing to me, well honestly the whole "wiped out" "crawling to bed" rarely sounds appealing.
So I usually find some "me time" so I can maybe have some more "me time" when my kids go to bed. And it is possible that I am the guiltiest of all the moms I know. I know many moms that work all day, serving families and doing what they do, then put kids to bed and stay up late working. I am not one of those people. But I admire those people.
I somehow need a reward for everything, and I teach my kids it too. I need chocolate to get through the rough morning, with little sleep from a child up all night coughing and others taking advantage of the sleep deprived mom fighting, and doctor's visits that last two hours. Maybe we should get McDonald's, that will make today better. Or stop for coffee. I think I need wine tonight, after the day I had. Or maybe I need to go out and spend some time alone. I am by no means saying any of these things are bad. And I am not saying that I do not make these excuses two to three times a day.Excuses for reward. BUT I am saying that maybe just maybe this is what is causing me to be stuck. This is what is preventing me from actually living out the life God has called me to.
And as moms I think we really encourage this behavior in each other. We laugh and nod our heads in full agreement when we hear another mom's story about the fit their child threw. And we agree wholeheartedly that they need a break. And I write it on this blog, the need I have for a break, for someone to give me an excuse for a treat or reward. But what if I did not look for an excuse, what if I pushed through. I sat up and rocked all night, holding close the child who was coughing, I calmly put the fighting children in time out over and over again until they showed a hint of a heart that changed. A heart that maybe is also reflecting a change in her mother who did not scream back. What if I smiled politely at the doctor who had a really rough morning, overbooked with sick kids and gave some grace. What if then I went home and thanked God for an opportunity to love with God's love, to be different in this world? What if I thanked God for a chance to grow, a chance to become more Christ like? What if I did not just get by, but seized each opportunity. I think it would bless my children and me, if I did not settle for a "getting by" "reward due" life, if I set the standard a little higher and persevered when it got a little hard or a lot hard. If I lived a life that was a blessing because I gave all I had to give.
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