The Marathon...

Yesterday I completed one of the things I have always wanted to complete. I ran a marathon. It was harder than just about anything I have ever done. It took just about everything in me to finish.

I started training this summer. Using the Hanson method of training which involves longer runs throughout the week. I ran just about six days every week. I actually loved it. I love running. It makes me weird, but it is what I would prefer to do any day. So this seemed like the perfect training for me. By the end of September I had not missed a day of training. I had even gone further than I usually was supposed to. I would think at the end of eight miles, I feel good, I can run one or two more. And I would. Ten miles was a "normal" run for me. I could do it without any trouble. I ran sixteen miles a couple of times and felt good. Then I thought, I should run a twenty miler. The Hanson method tops out at sixteen miles. The point of the training is you are always running on tired legs. And this would prepare me for a race like this. But psychologically I thought, I need to run twenty. That day was a rough day. I ran only 17.8 before my body just gave up. I was so discouraged and worried. I was in pain. I lost all my confidence in my ability to run. But I told myself, I did the training. I should be able to do this. Stick with the training. My friend encouraged me, that I had picked this training for a reason, so to trust that it would prepare me. And my runs after that slowly started to improve again. I started feeling really good again during the runs. Again, running longer than I had originally planned on most runs. My last ten miler the week before the race flew by. I felt like the miles were just ticking off. Miles 6-10 felt like maybe one. And I thought, I am ready for this!

Then the week leading up to the race, we started getting sick. My kids had colds, but nothing bad. Thursday, it hit me. Sinus pressure, aches, sore throat, and I started panicking. There was no way I could get sick right now! I started to do EVERYTHING I could to get healthy. I was drinking massive amounts of "Emergen-C," lemon water, apple cider vinegar water, spraying "thieves" oil, using saline spray, drinking tea and MASSIVE amounts of water. It was working, I did not get much worse. And by Sunday morning, the day of the race, I was feeling okay. I could feel a little bit of a cough, which as a person with asthma makes me a bit nervous, but I was going to be okay. I slept well the night before, and got up ready to run. Even though I felt like throwing up from nerves, I felt ready. I was SO thankful Nathan could be there with me. There were these amazing girls and lots of awesome friends that watched my children and helped juggle soccer games and birthday parties so we could go, and our kids could still do things here. They did a great job, and allowed Nathan and I to go to St. Louis together.

It was FREEZING cold to start the race, right around 33 degrees. Which is perfect when you are running, not when you are waiting to run. I had one friend there running too, but we were planning to just run on our own and meet up afterwards, so I did not see her before the race started. I started out okay, but feeling SO tired, and by mile four I felt like my legs just did not want to run. I was so discouraged. At mile twelve I thought maybe I had missed the turn off for the full marathon, and was running the half marathon race instead, and I kind of secretly hoped it was true, because I could not imagine running that far again and still some. But there was the turn off right after mile twelve. And I turned off, to finish this race I had started. I was running between a nine and a half and a ten and a half mile pace, which was my goal, to stay slow so I could finish. But mile thirteen felt like mile seventeen of that run I had a few weeks ago. Mile fifteen I stopped and took off my shoe to fix my sock, that was causing a blister to form on my foot, a blister that would only get worse over the next ELEVEN miles!!! This was when I saw my friend pass me. I got my shoe back on and tried to catch up, but my foot just stopped working. I had surgery to repair a tendon after falling down stairs just about two years ago, and sometimes, it still hurts, a lot. And at mile fifteen I was limping. Tears were stinging my eyes and I wanted to quit. I thought of all the reasons I should quit. I was limping. My lungs were burning, it hurt to take a deep breath. I needed my inhaler. I had passed Nathan with it just two miles ago, I did not know if I would see him again before the finish. I was walking with tears just burning my eyes. I was psyching myself out. I did not want to run anymore. I wanted to go home and quit and not have to talk to anyone again. I knew people would be gracious. And I could explain how bad my foot hurt and my lungs were struggling for air. BUT I also knew, I had four kids at home, four kids who believed their mom could run a marathon. I knew I had signed up for this race to raise money to bring my fifth child home. I knew that I had trained for this and it was supposed to be hard. I also knew that if I did not finish this, I would have to do it again. I had always wanted to run a marathon, and if I did not do this one, I would have to do it again. So, I walked for awhile. Thankful for all the people out there who where t-shirts with the verse, "I can do all things through Christ who strenghthens me." And I talked to God about getting my foot to carry me on now the next ten miles. And I started to run again. It was slow and  not consistent, but I was moving ahead again. With purpose, to finish this race. And when I walked it was a fast walk, not an "I give up" walk, it was the walk that let my lungs breathe. And then I saw Nathan and I yelled, "Get my inhaler!" I took a couple of puffs at mile 22. And said "See you at the finish!" I was going to do this. I finished, running my last mile at my ten minute pace.

(Mile 22)

(finishing the race)

I hurt like crazy, my foot got wrapped in layers of ice and I walked the half mile to the hotel without a shoe, with a foot wrapped in ice. I showered and we walked a block to eat, then took a cab back to where our car was. It was only two miles, but at that point, I could not walk two more miles. We then drove five hours home. Which may not be the best thing to do after you run. The whole way back, all I could think was how I can be better prepared for next time....I am a runner. I love running, pain and all!

(Medal, ice pack and all)

A Repost on Patience

This is a repost of a blog I wrote on patience over a year ago. Back before we had started this adoption process, before I think I ever knew what it meant to really wait patiently. I remembered writing these words while cleaning bathrooms, and it resonated so much with where I am at today... I thought I would repost it....

Waiting ... standing still.

Patience ... enduring.

I wait for people to change, for circumstances to change, for something to change, but sometimes it does not - or, at least, not when or how I want it to. And waiting is not enough. I need to practice patience - to keep walking, to keep moving, to keep going and to endure. For there is still life to live. I must endure until I know where I will go next. My feet are moving forward but I am standing still - enduring until I see where I am to go.

And I practice patience - whispering prayers under my breath, waiting with movement.

And I practice patience - washing dishes, doing laundry, picking up toys. I wait with movement.

And I practice patience.

I am tired and I really want to stop spinning in circles, waiting with movement. But the movement is not always graceful. The movement is rarely beautiful. It is often marked with tears and stumbles, but it is changing. Because I know that "tribulation works patience: and patience experience; and experience hope, and hope makes not ashamed because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who is given unto us." (Romans 5:3-5KJV)

And I am changing because there is work in the patience; movement that is happening within as I am enduring without; work that is producing experience and HOPE.

And I practice....patience...waiting with movement.

God's Faithfulness...

Sometimes I wonder, about how much to share. But I never want to miss a chance to say that God is working to give this little boy a family. To say that God loves this little boy more than I ever could. And that when God asks you to do something, He takes care of all the details.
Adoption allows you to learn patience. There is nothing quick about the process. And sometimes you wonder how in the world you will pay the next fee.
For us, we are getting ready to travel, and we will have a country fee due. These two put together equal about $10,000. (depending on plane tickets, hotel costs, etc.) But it is approximately TEN THOUSAND dollars. That is a lot of money. And we had about half...We have been blessed with friends and family and a church that have given SO much to help bring Hamilton home. How can you ask for any more?
We applied for a grant, actually three grants.
Today, in the mail we got a check for $5000 from one of those grants. Did I mention we had about half.... well $5000 equals the other half.
And then just for a little extra blessing, my sister has decided to run for Hamilton in the Detroit hal-marathon next weekend, she has raised almost $100.00. And my friend has decided to run for Hamilton. She posted on facebook last night that her goal is to raise $1000.00. Since last night, she has raised $500 towards his adoption.
We are getting so close! We have a fundraiser coming up at our church and a couple other grants we are waiting to see if we get.
I have been amazed at God's faithfulness and provision through His people, throughout this journey.

The Waiting Child

The waiting is the hardest. I wrote it last week, and this week we had a light in the waiting, a "next big step." I was reading about the different types of adoption the other day. And one stood out, the "waiting child" adoption. It is the kind of adoption we are doing, but the NAME had not struck me until last night. Because for all my waiting, they wait more. They might not have a "light" in their waiting. They might wait their whole life.

The "waiting child" adoption is different than traditional adoption. In traditional adoption, in most countries, you put in a list of things you are willing to accept. You put in age/gender/disabilities, etc. Often people going through traditional adoption are looking for a specific type of child and usually a younger child. I am generalizing here, if there is anything true all the time about adoption is nothing is always the same. The people going through traditional adoption often have to wait years. The country we are adopting from it is about a three year wait. That is good because apparently the country where we are adopting has a high adoption rate. The generally healthy kids are adopted pretty quickly by people in their own country, so if you are waiting for a relatively healthy child under three, you could wait years or it may not happen, these kids are wanted! 

But the kids on the "waiting child" list, they are the ones that much of the world has turned its back on. They are the older kids, the ones that have special needs. Some of these needs are small, some big, most bigger than they would be because of institutions. Some countries, including the one we are adopting from are moving to foster home type settings, and a lot of these kids are making improvements. Some children are blind, some born with heart defects or other physical defects, some have downs syndrome, some need a surgery that their country was not able to do. And they have suffered years of waiting. 

I know that two years ago... these were the children I did not want. I am ashamed to say it. I remember when my Anya was born and the first couple of years of her life, just loving her so much, but so looking forward to her going to school, the days would be MINE again. And then I had three more children, and I thought maybe those days would never be mine. And, we decided to homeschool, maybe for a few years? And those days seemed further away. Now, it is hard to imagine not homeschooling. Not that I love it every day but it is our life. And again those days, the ones I was clinging to, the ones that would help me to become me again instead of "just a mom," were getting further away. But I knew one day it would happen. I married young, and had kids right away, so we would have years to do those things....

And then Hamilton came along. I do not know the extent of his needs. But it is possible he will not be independent ever. It is possible he will be completely independent. But I need to know it is possible he will not be. Those days, the days that were MINE, the ones I had looked forward to for ten years that kept getting further away. They vanished. And my heart broke. Not for my days, but because this child, the one who is waiting for someone to be his family, matters. And all those days that were mine, I thought, do. not. matter. when there are children that need homes. Jesus said in Matthew: 

"The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."

These children, the ones that are waiting. They are the ones the world has turned away. And this world the ones with the days that are MINE is momentary, it is a blink in eternity. If you want to see some of these waiting children you can contact an agency, they have lists of children waiting, or you can go to RainbowKids.com and set up an account. There are hundereds of children waiting!

Adoption Grants

Today I finally finished our third grant application.
After months of filling out paperwork, probably the LAST thing one wants to do is start in another stack of paperwork.
BUT it is what I did. We have only applied for three, it has taken me several weeks to get through all the paperwork, getting all the resources and references together.

There are several things to pay attention to before applying, and it is probably worth looking at the grants as soon as your homestudy is approved. I kind of felt like I could breathe and some dead lines have passed in my breathing. So it is really important to make a list of grants you plan to apply for and watch for deadlines as soon as your homestudy is approved. Many organizations have deadlines, they review at only certain times of the year, some are monthly or quarterly. It is also important to read the requirements. Some are given to special needs adoptions/single moms/married couples/Christians/ only those living in a certain state, etc.

There are all types of grants available for adoption. There are grants, direct grants that give money toward the adoption. These are harder to get and harder to find. But they are available. Here is a list of some grants that accept applications and give direct grants. Most of the time, this money is sent directly to your agency to cover needed expenses.
Show Hope: http://showhope.org/
Gift of Adoption Fund: http://showhope.org/
JSC Foundation: http://www.jscfoundation.org
Fund Your Adoption http://fundyouradoption.org/


Another type of grant is a matching one. These are a little more common. The idea behind them, is that you get family/friends to donate to your adoption and the grant will match up to a certain amount. They also can allow donors to give with a tax deductible gift. Most I have heard are $1000-$4000. That means if family/friends donate $1000-$4000/the funds to the adoption are actually $2000-$8000. Here is a list of several matching grants!
Life Song: http://www.lifesongfororphans.org/
Hand in Hand adopt: http://www.handinhandadopt.org
Titus Task: http://www.thetitustask.com/matching-grants.html (for Northwest Arkansas families)

Another option is to register with an organization that helps you fundraise, but allows donors to receive a tax deduction for their contribution. Two that we are applying for/or are using:
Adopt Together: https://www.adopttogether.org/
Grace Haven Ministries: http://gracehavenhome.com/

A final option is interest free loans. This allows indivduals to take out loans without interest to pay for part of the adoption. Here are severa links to these loans:
Lifesong: http://www.lifesongfororphans.org/
Abba Fund: http://www.abbafund.org/

This is just a brief list of grants/loan/matching grants available to adoptive families. There are lots of complete lists. Life's Amazing Journey has a huge list of grants available.

WE GOT IT!!!!

This will just be a quick update...

We have been waiting for today. I have been waiting for today! It is not the end of the waiting, but each of these steps gets us a little closer. I knew yesterday was a meeting... I knew they might have reviewed our dossier, I knew we might get a referral. I knew we also might not, they might have reviewed others ahead of us. And we might wait another week. But, today, WE GOT IT!!! It is a verbal referral. The official referral will come in the next few weeks, in writing. At that point we will make travel plans. We will be going to meet our son, our Hamilton, next month. I cannot wait to meet him! It brings tears to my eyes, and makes me want to jump up and down all at the same time! This journey, it seems has taken so long and we have a long ways to go, but we are getting closer.

Every day, Every. Day. Verity asks, "When is Hami coming home." She is ready. She has been ready for so long. I do not know how she even understands at three that he belongs here, and she is waiting for him. She is going to be his sister! And David has told me he misses him. I do to. I miss him. How is it you can miss someone  you have never met? I do not know how to describe it but it is like part of our family is not here, we cannot wait to bring him home!

The first step will be to travel and meet him. We will go for 7 days and spend time with Hamilton in November. After we get back, it is usually 3-5 months until we are able to go back and bring him home. I imagine a really hard 3-5 months of more waiting.

But for now I am thankful, we are getting closer!!!

A Few of the Differences...

This is day 9 I know, and I have only posted eight times, I am giving myself some grace with this and just saying.. it is okay. I actually wrote yesterday, but really was not sure I was ready to post it, so maybe another time...
But for now, Day 9...

I am blessed. We have been blessed with four biological children. And with so many friends who have struggled to have children of their own, there is not a day that goes by that I do not think how really very blessed I am. And I am blessed to adopt. To add another child to our family, I am thankful. We have not brought Hamilton home or even met him in person yet. But in my heart he already part of our family. I have thought through this whole process; how very different the adoption process is than having a biological child.

1. In pregnancy, there is a lot of waiting. But the waiting is different. Some things you know for sure, like the baby will come in the next 9 months. There is a due date, and somewhere around that due date, Lord willing you will have a baby. In adoption, depending on the type, it could be years.

2. In pregnancy, you can do a lot of research and classes and gain information. But there is nothing required. Adoption requires training, hours of training. In both, no child or situation is exactly how you expect it will be and you can prepare a lot, but  never be fully prepared.

3. Pregnancy is expensive, thousands of dollars, most of the time, this is covered by insurance. Adoption is similarly expensive, thounsands of dollars, none of it is covered by insurance.

4. In adoption the government gets involved from the beginning to decide if you are able to be a parent, background checks are done, for international adoptions, the federal goverment does background checks and both make the decision if you are able to take care of a child. In pregnancy, this does not happen.

5. In pregnancy, you do not get to pick your child. This is the hardest part for me. How to ethically go about this. How do we state, I will take this or that child because they have this or that, but not that one because he has this wrong with him? You can make a list of disabilities you will take and then decide what you want. And even after you decide you can change your mind. This does not happen with a biological child. You do not get to pick what you want. It is one of the hardest things about adoption for me because all of these children deserve a family.

6. In pregnancy, the child does not get to pick the parents. In adoption this does not really happen either, BUT in domestic adoptions in the U.S. parents put together sort of "scrap books" that tell about themselves so birthparents can pick what kind of family they wants their child to be raised in. Again, this makes sense to some extent, but it seems a bit odd, often there are really great families that wait long times just because of this or that, people can be really picky!

7. Both can involve lots of labor, but very different kinds. There is a lot to carrying a baby, and caring for a baby while pregnant, and all those who have been through labor know it is a difficult thing. But adoption comes with it's own heart break, and labor of finding funding, passing homestudies, filling out paperwork, it is a really long, hard process. Many people have told me a phrase they have heard, and I fully agree, "Adoption is not for the faint of heart!" and one friend added on, "Adoption is for the Brave!" and I fully agree with both.

8. And the obvious, pregnancy comes with the blessing of a newborn. Adoption often ends with the blessing of a child, but at different stages with different backgrounds and different issues. They both involve adjustment. A newborn brings little sleep and middle of the night feedings. A newborn does not know how to express his feelings but to cry. A newborn trusts his mom from the start.  A child through adoption has a mom that may or may not have struggled through those new things with him, but now has new struggles to face with you. An adopted child is in a house they do not know, possibly in a country in a language they do not understand. An adopted child may not trust you from the start. And may be able to express himself with words but choose not to, or not know how to do it appropriately.

Both Lord willing end with a blessing, a child