First Trip, Part 1... We choose Love

It is hard to explain the trip, the one I had waited for. In a few words, it was just "A LOT." It was a lot of emotion, a lot of feeling overwhelmed, a lot of frustration, and a lot of heartache.

I do not know how to describe the moment we saw him, the little boy who we had been waiting for. I was not prepared to see how small he was. I was not prepared to see the fear in his eyes. Part of me wanted to look away. It is painful to see someone starving. I did not FEEL love.

My mind raced back to when my daughter was born eleven years ago. I was one of those weird moms that did not FEEL love then either. I was not overwhelmed with affection for her. I knew, though, that she needed me. So, I loved her. I made that choice. It was not that hard, but it was a choice. I knew I wanted to keep her safe. I sang to her and I did the actions of love. And, over time, affection grew.

Love is a choice, NOT a feeling.

Each of my children, except my fourth, came with the same fear and unknowing. And each of them needed the actions of love from which grew affection. By my fourth, I knew what was coming and affection could not be contained. From the moment I saw her, I knew already what it would feel like and the feelings came quickly.

But, each day, when it gets hard and no one listens and I am tired, I choose to love. It becomes a habit, a good habit, and one that happens naturally after you have chosen it enough.

These things are what filled my mind as I looked at a terrified little boy. I was so uncertain that we could meet his needs. It is so difficult to look at a child who is hurting. It is easier to look away, to pretend I do not see. And a small part of me -- a part that I am horribly ashamed of -- wished I had never looked at that blog and seen those eyes. Because then I would not have to make this choice. Life could go on being easy. Not that life is ever easy, but we live a pretty easy, comfortable, and blessed life. BUT I did look, and it was time to make my feet, my actions do the walking that my heart and mind have believed in for so long. The actions that declare each child deserves a home, a family, and to be loved -- this little boy as much as any. And just because it is hard does not mean I should not do it. Because I know that one day I will stand before my God, and on that day I cannot say, "It was too hard or too uncomfortable."

So, we choose love. We choose to do the actions of love. Love is patient and kind and not self seeking. I will hold and sing and protect. I will stay up late and get up in the middle of the night to soothe and comfort. I will take him to appointments and to doctors and care for his needs. It will be hard and exhausting. It is scary. But I know the actions of love will someday turn into affection.

And affection grows.

I choose love, to hold him and put his cheek on mine. We fed him. When he cried about food that they took away or when he was afraid, we wiped his tears. We held him. He wanted to look out the window ALL - THE - TIME. So, we did, and I dreamed dreams for him that he may not even know to dream, whispering about the world that waits for him.

And just days after leaving, we are starting to do the actions. We are starting to fight for him here, to put a plan in place for when this little man gets home to his family. We are preparing our family for what lies ahead because they are excited and thrilled. But, it is going to be hard, and we want them to know their place, that they ALL are part of this family. We are planning to start a schedule, to put things in an order that the kids can count on. We are working on figuring out what medical needs we need to meet immediately and setting up appointments.

We are choosing love.

Happy Birthday to David!

Today, this boy turns 6!!!!

He is a blessing!
Truly like no one I have ever met.
He is full of life and joy. Compassion and kindness. He is 100% boy and all wonderful!
His life is worth celebrating!
I am thankful to be his mom!
He has brought so much to our family.
His oldest sister says if you have not spent a lot of time with him, you really should because he is so great. His littlest sister dresses in his clothes because she really just wants to BE him. And none of us blame her, because honestly, we all wish we were a little more like David. And Karis spends most of her day playing with him.
He is handsome and smart and an amazing artist. He plays soccer and loves to build legos. He loves boy movies and guys nights with his dad. But spends most of his days with the girls in his life. His smile melts my heart every time. He has a soft heart that overflows with laughter most of the time. He is absolutely one of my most favorite people in the whole world! And I am so thankful that I have spent the past six years knowing him! I am a so blessed to be his mom! And am so excited to see the man that he is growing up to be.
Happy Birthday sweet David! You are SO loved!

Plane Tickets!

We have waited and waited until we could not wait any more. And then we waited longer. Our hearts grew weary and tired in the wait. And then yesterday we did not have to wait any longer. We got the okay to buy some plane tickets.

Adoption has proven to not be for the faint of heart as so many have said.

Everything about this process has been exhausting. It has completely broken me, I have realized I am horrible at waiting. I am horrible at the unknown. I am awful at giving up control. All are necessary for adoption. My friend described it like working with the DMV, only worse and then make that times two. Because every government has it's issues. And we are working with two. Everytime you think, "We are almost there!" Time stands still and THEN nothing happens and then maybe something does.

We are leaving in a week to go meet this little boy who has had my heart for over a year. It has not quite been a year since we started the process, and it will be over a year til it is all complete. This step. This HUGE step. This one that we have been waiting for is only that, a step. There are still many more. The country we are adopting from requires two trips. They are usually three to five months apart. So we are going, and then we will leave him there. I have heard it is about the hardest thing you could do.

This trip is the trip where there is a chance to change our minds. Where we can say "no." He does not know we are coming. He does not know who we are. And we will have a chance to say no, it is too much, we don't want him.

We won't.

I am not sure what to expect. I know it is going to be hard, and I am a bit nervous. But nothing about motherhood has ever been predictable or easy. And I am one hundred percent sure this little man belongs with us. I am also one hundred percent sure that every day from now until he is grown, I will wonder if I am the best mom for him. Just like I have wondered each day with each of our four children. I am going into this already in love, sure that life is hard, surer that Hamilton is precious and more than anything he needs a family. And surer even more that Hamilton was created by God, and is treasured by his Heavenly Father.

Thank you for praying with us, thank you for your support in bringing this little guy home. We are getting closer. We can see the finish line.

But that is just the beginning of life. Of the everyday. And that is what I need to remember in the wait. That this year, these months, as frustrating and difficult as they are, are just that, months in years of life.

We appreciate your continued prayers as we are traveling; for our children that are staying in the states, that they will have peace and fun. That they will not be anxious or fearful. And for those dear people caring for our children that they will not be overwhelmed!

We have so much to be thankful for!

A Prayer Request....

Just when you think you cannot wait any longer, you have to keep waiting. It has been over three weeks, almost four since we got our verbal referral. Our case worker said, usually it is a week maybe two. She expects it any day. Hopes, she will hear this week. And I sit here and wonder why! Why are we waiting... I know God's timing is perfect. But why the wait. We are ready. We have the money for this trip, we have the money for our next country fee. We have talked to friends and family to work out details of who will take care of our precious children for the week we have to go. We are READY! But we are still waiting. Apparently it has something to do with paperwork that is not there or outdated on that end of things, in country stuff, that I cannot do anything about.

And the wait makes me anxious. And I would love if you could join us in praying that this mountain will move, that in my wait, I can be patient. And that we can hear soon.

Thank you so many friends who have joined with us praying and listening to me struggle with the wait. Please join us as we pray that this week we can hear, that all the details can be put into place, and we will continue to be ready to go.

The Marathon...

Yesterday I completed one of the things I have always wanted to complete. I ran a marathon. It was harder than just about anything I have ever done. It took just about everything in me to finish.

I started training this summer. Using the Hanson method of training which involves longer runs throughout the week. I ran just about six days every week. I actually loved it. I love running. It makes me weird, but it is what I would prefer to do any day. So this seemed like the perfect training for me. By the end of September I had not missed a day of training. I had even gone further than I usually was supposed to. I would think at the end of eight miles, I feel good, I can run one or two more. And I would. Ten miles was a "normal" run for me. I could do it without any trouble. I ran sixteen miles a couple of times and felt good. Then I thought, I should run a twenty miler. The Hanson method tops out at sixteen miles. The point of the training is you are always running on tired legs. And this would prepare me for a race like this. But psychologically I thought, I need to run twenty. That day was a rough day. I ran only 17.8 before my body just gave up. I was so discouraged and worried. I was in pain. I lost all my confidence in my ability to run. But I told myself, I did the training. I should be able to do this. Stick with the training. My friend encouraged me, that I had picked this training for a reason, so to trust that it would prepare me. And my runs after that slowly started to improve again. I started feeling really good again during the runs. Again, running longer than I had originally planned on most runs. My last ten miler the week before the race flew by. I felt like the miles were just ticking off. Miles 6-10 felt like maybe one. And I thought, I am ready for this!

Then the week leading up to the race, we started getting sick. My kids had colds, but nothing bad. Thursday, it hit me. Sinus pressure, aches, sore throat, and I started panicking. There was no way I could get sick right now! I started to do EVERYTHING I could to get healthy. I was drinking massive amounts of "Emergen-C," lemon water, apple cider vinegar water, spraying "thieves" oil, using saline spray, drinking tea and MASSIVE amounts of water. It was working, I did not get much worse. And by Sunday morning, the day of the race, I was feeling okay. I could feel a little bit of a cough, which as a person with asthma makes me a bit nervous, but I was going to be okay. I slept well the night before, and got up ready to run. Even though I felt like throwing up from nerves, I felt ready. I was SO thankful Nathan could be there with me. There were these amazing girls and lots of awesome friends that watched my children and helped juggle soccer games and birthday parties so we could go, and our kids could still do things here. They did a great job, and allowed Nathan and I to go to St. Louis together.

It was FREEZING cold to start the race, right around 33 degrees. Which is perfect when you are running, not when you are waiting to run. I had one friend there running too, but we were planning to just run on our own and meet up afterwards, so I did not see her before the race started. I started out okay, but feeling SO tired, and by mile four I felt like my legs just did not want to run. I was so discouraged. At mile twelve I thought maybe I had missed the turn off for the full marathon, and was running the half marathon race instead, and I kind of secretly hoped it was true, because I could not imagine running that far again and still some. But there was the turn off right after mile twelve. And I turned off, to finish this race I had started. I was running between a nine and a half and a ten and a half mile pace, which was my goal, to stay slow so I could finish. But mile thirteen felt like mile seventeen of that run I had a few weeks ago. Mile fifteen I stopped and took off my shoe to fix my sock, that was causing a blister to form on my foot, a blister that would only get worse over the next ELEVEN miles!!! This was when I saw my friend pass me. I got my shoe back on and tried to catch up, but my foot just stopped working. I had surgery to repair a tendon after falling down stairs just about two years ago, and sometimes, it still hurts, a lot. And at mile fifteen I was limping. Tears were stinging my eyes and I wanted to quit. I thought of all the reasons I should quit. I was limping. My lungs were burning, it hurt to take a deep breath. I needed my inhaler. I had passed Nathan with it just two miles ago, I did not know if I would see him again before the finish. I was walking with tears just burning my eyes. I was psyching myself out. I did not want to run anymore. I wanted to go home and quit and not have to talk to anyone again. I knew people would be gracious. And I could explain how bad my foot hurt and my lungs were struggling for air. BUT I also knew, I had four kids at home, four kids who believed their mom could run a marathon. I knew I had signed up for this race to raise money to bring my fifth child home. I knew that I had trained for this and it was supposed to be hard. I also knew that if I did not finish this, I would have to do it again. I had always wanted to run a marathon, and if I did not do this one, I would have to do it again. So, I walked for awhile. Thankful for all the people out there who where t-shirts with the verse, "I can do all things through Christ who strenghthens me." And I talked to God about getting my foot to carry me on now the next ten miles. And I started to run again. It was slow and  not consistent, but I was moving ahead again. With purpose, to finish this race. And when I walked it was a fast walk, not an "I give up" walk, it was the walk that let my lungs breathe. And then I saw Nathan and I yelled, "Get my inhaler!" I took a couple of puffs at mile 22. And said "See you at the finish!" I was going to do this. I finished, running my last mile at my ten minute pace.

(Mile 22)

(finishing the race)

I hurt like crazy, my foot got wrapped in layers of ice and I walked the half mile to the hotel without a shoe, with a foot wrapped in ice. I showered and we walked a block to eat, then took a cab back to where our car was. It was only two miles, but at that point, I could not walk two more miles. We then drove five hours home. Which may not be the best thing to do after you run. The whole way back, all I could think was how I can be better prepared for next time....I am a runner. I love running, pain and all!

(Medal, ice pack and all)

A Repost on Patience

This is a repost of a blog I wrote on patience over a year ago. Back before we had started this adoption process, before I think I ever knew what it meant to really wait patiently. I remembered writing these words while cleaning bathrooms, and it resonated so much with where I am at today... I thought I would repost it....

Waiting ... standing still.

Patience ... enduring.

I wait for people to change, for circumstances to change, for something to change, but sometimes it does not - or, at least, not when or how I want it to. And waiting is not enough. I need to practice patience - to keep walking, to keep moving, to keep going and to endure. For there is still life to live. I must endure until I know where I will go next. My feet are moving forward but I am standing still - enduring until I see where I am to go.

And I practice patience - whispering prayers under my breath, waiting with movement.

And I practice patience - washing dishes, doing laundry, picking up toys. I wait with movement.

And I practice patience.

I am tired and I really want to stop spinning in circles, waiting with movement. But the movement is not always graceful. The movement is rarely beautiful. It is often marked with tears and stumbles, but it is changing. Because I know that "tribulation works patience: and patience experience; and experience hope, and hope makes not ashamed because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who is given unto us." (Romans 5:3-5KJV)

And I am changing because there is work in the patience; movement that is happening within as I am enduring without; work that is producing experience and HOPE.

And I practice....patience...waiting with movement.

God's Faithfulness...

Sometimes I wonder, about how much to share. But I never want to miss a chance to say that God is working to give this little boy a family. To say that God loves this little boy more than I ever could. And that when God asks you to do something, He takes care of all the details.
Adoption allows you to learn patience. There is nothing quick about the process. And sometimes you wonder how in the world you will pay the next fee.
For us, we are getting ready to travel, and we will have a country fee due. These two put together equal about $10,000. (depending on plane tickets, hotel costs, etc.) But it is approximately TEN THOUSAND dollars. That is a lot of money. And we had about half...We have been blessed with friends and family and a church that have given SO much to help bring Hamilton home. How can you ask for any more?
We applied for a grant, actually three grants.
Today, in the mail we got a check for $5000 from one of those grants. Did I mention we had about half.... well $5000 equals the other half.
And then just for a little extra blessing, my sister has decided to run for Hamilton in the Detroit hal-marathon next weekend, she has raised almost $100.00. And my friend has decided to run for Hamilton. She posted on facebook last night that her goal is to raise $1000.00. Since last night, she has raised $500 towards his adoption.
We are getting so close! We have a fundraiser coming up at our church and a couple other grants we are waiting to see if we get.
I have been amazed at God's faithfulness and provision through His people, throughout this journey.