A Little Update

There have not been big updates these days. Summer is in full swing in the Jacobs household which means lots and lots of GO!

The two oldest girls have swim team practice four days each week. Karis continues horseback riding lessons once a week and Anya has been doing an acting camp... NOT to be mistaken with drama camp the past two weeks for four hours every afternoon. While she acts we swim at the pool.

Bozhidar and I spend a lot of time enjoying sun and watching the kids play.

until this girl comes a long and decides we should not be dry any longer....

But today, he decided to try the noodle. He put it under his arms as he had seen his sister do over and over and he kicked and laughed, choking on water from laughing so hard. We did it over and over, taking turns with Verity who would jump and swish back to the side. Then Bozhidar would lean forward and fall on the noodle floating as I zoomed him in circles. He is playing.

After the pool we headed home to change and go to the library. Bozhidar transfered a sign. He has signed "more" whenever he wanted to eat. But at the library as Anya brought him a book and he looked at the pictures, when he finished, he signed "more." Which to me meant he knows what it means. AND that I really need to learn some more sign language.

We all went to check out at the front desk. We have a bit of an absurd library system in our small little town. Each family member has their own card and that card can check out six books. So, it takes a long time to figure out which card has room for more books and balance which books go on which card. I kind of just wish I could just have 42 books for my family and not keep track of which one is on which card. But just a little aside to explain why it took so long to check out at the front desk. Bozhidar had squirmed out of my arms and was walking down the length of the front counter. The next thing I knew, he was behind the librarian desk ready to help in any way he could.

Bozhi, is learning that he can explore the world. He will go to different rooms in the house and does not wait for someone to move him here or there. He chooses to walk more than crawl. And the pants that he wore most of the time we were in Bulgaria, the ones we had to role up three inches to keep over his shoes, those pants, do not role up at all anymore, they just stop at the top of his shoes. And the shoes, the new ones I bought, his toes reach the end. He is growing.

But the day which was another marathon of a day was full of lots of good. And a little bad. The running got run, which always makes for a good day. The lawn got mowed, laundry got done and dishes got washed, and dishes got dirtied and more dishes got washed. I was ahead of the game planning for dinner, a delicious dinner in the crockpot. But somehow in the making of lunch, the crockpot got unplugged and four hours later it was discovered. So takeout was gotten.

And the greatest good, was the little almost four year old with more energy than I ever know what to do with, fell asleep on the couch. She has been saying for weeks that she is tired, but you would never guess it by the go she has, the run and the energy. But she collapsed at 6:15 before dinner or milk or anything and she is finally sleeping.

Lots of good and blessing!

Learning to Play!

Over the past four weeks Bozhidar has grown physically, he is taller, heavier and he no longer fits in his shoes. But the things that make my heart warm are how he is learning to be a kid.

When we first brought him from the orphanage he had no idea what to do with a book. He just threw it, and a car or any toy was just thrown on the floor. He wanted to eat and to go. So that is what we did. But two and a half weeks with four other kids and he is learning to play. 

He has learned that there is fun happening in other places and will go explore what is going on in the other room. Or if the kids are outside and he is not, he will go get my shoes and let me know it is time for us to join them. The other day, everyone including the neighbors were outside. He went and got my shoes and then my purse. I was meeting with someone so was not able to go right at that minute but when our neighbor came in to ask a question he begged her to take him with him. He rode on the tractor and wanted to just be a part of it!

He was initially afraid of the pool but now enjoys it. Especially the splashing part! 

(he is in the water, it is zero depth, not right on the edge as this picture makes it look :) )

And he has learned there are times during the day he gets my undivided attention. Like bath time... which he asks for several times a day by taking off all his clothes and walking to the bathroom. He also knows that he gets to read books with me at bedtime and eagerly wants more and more books. He turns the pages and sits while I read and as he grows tired he rests in my arms his head on my chest and he knows, I know, this is where he belongs!

He is finding his place and is loved by his siblings immensely. It warms my heart to see how they have just accepted him. Even Verity who asks me almost every day why I wanted five kids, and today told me it would have been better if I had just had one, her. But when she is around Bozhidar she talks to him, helps him, cheers him on and wants to be part of his everything. 

Karis wakes up every morning, changes him, makes two eggs, warms his milk, cuts up a banana and feeds him his breakfast before feeding herself, while all the other kids get breakfast and I either follow around cleaning up or get to go for my run. 

Anya I think makes him feel safe, he will always go with her and just likes to be around her. And David will sit and offer him toy after toy, showing him how to play with it. They fight over who gets to sit next to him at meals and love on him like he should be.

This little boy, who we have prayed for and fought for IS a blessing to our family. But there is a lot of a lot that comes with this like doctor's appointments several times a week to add to our already full schedule and unknowns about just about everything.

And for some reason the difficulty of here, the things that have been happening for the past month, two months, keep getting harder. I want to encourage but I also want to be realistic. That though I am blessed, nothing about life is easy. The past few months have been harder than any I have experienced in my life, they have been humbling and refining and teaching me that I have so far to go.

So we continue to walk forward, blessed and praying and thankful for prayers!

Home

Forgive me, this post will be long. But it is one I have meant to write for days, and just have not had time....

Three weeks ago, I was getting ready to head to Bulgaria to meet our little boy for a second time, to welcome him to our family. And I was terrified that he would not remember me. We had a good easy flight and settled into a great apartment in Sofia. I went with my mom, a trip, I never dreamed she and I would get to do together. The day after we arrived they picked us up early in the morning to make the drive to our son's orphanage. The orphanage is about three and a half hours away. The drive was easy but long waiting again to see what he would think when he saw me again. I had packed a banana, since last fall when we saw him, every day we brought a banana. When they brought him in the room he cried and I reached out for him. He sat on my lap with tears. They said, it is your mommy. And he stopped. He looked at me and reached for something. I thought maybe one of the toys I brought? No, he was reaching for the backpack. It was a different backpack, but a backpack was what I brought a banana in every day last fall. He got off my lap and reached for the backpack. I pulled a banana out, and he signed, "more." We had taught him that last time we spent with him. HE REMEMBERED!!!! He eagerly ate that banana like he had never eaten in his life. And then we left, and I honestly do not think he has looked back.

Has it been what we expected? Kind of. Has it been hard? At times, yes. But honestly, he is kind of the dream child. My mom and I often would just look at eachother kind of amazed at how amazing he is. He spent the week and a half there eating, and eating and eating some more. He has gained over three pounds in the two weeks we have spent with him. He likes to eat and sleep and then go. After eating, he gets his shoes and climbs in the stroller and wants to go. There is a world he has been waiting to see and it is time. He then eats some more and walks to his crib for a nap. He then eats some more, gets in the stroller and wants to go. Then back to eat some more and sleep. That was what the days looked like. And he did not care where we went. So we went on a walking tour of Sofia, visited old churches, souvenir shopped, met other families on pick up trips and went on adventures to find the nearest Starbucks. We walked to the park and watched kids play. For now, that is mostly what he does, watch.

Our plane ride home was long. The entire trip was twenty one hours. He slept one hour of that. Bozhidar does not watch T.V. or show any interest in any electronics. So for twenty hours he just sat and watched and ate when we gave him food. He did not complain, he was patient. Our stop in Houston and immigration was horrible. They were on a power trip and gave me a very hard time. Thanks to an amazing man who helped us through the airport though, we still made our flight with four minutes to spare. There was a lot of running. Bozhidar laughed with glee as we raced through the airport, even nineteen hours after traveling. We boarded the plane and the flight attendant greeted us. He asked how old Bozhidar was, this is the question I dread the most. He is seven. They ask me to repeat it usually because there is no way he should be SEVEN? I explained he really was. The man came back several times. And finally near the end of the flight came and gave me his email address. He said, "I am really moved by this little boy, I want to know how he does. Can you email me in a few months and just let me know?"

And that is Bozhidar. A perspective changer.

Because here at home, the things I left that were hard are still hard. But there is a little boy who lived in an orphanage and never had a mom to hold him and siblings to kiss him more times than he could bear. He never had a dad's strong arms carry him. He for whatever reason has not been fed. His teeth are rotten. He is seven and weighed twenty pounds. There is nothing fairy tale about his life. But when you meet him, his smile and joy that lights his face will make you smile. He is sweet and outgoing and funny and FULL OF LIFE. It is kind of like he was just waiting for this moment, his moment. And life and joy exude when it does not make sense to be joyful, when life has not been easy. And whatever is hard here is given perspective.

The first days and weeks spent together we saw some of his nervous, self stimulation wane. He rocked all the time when we picked him up, but by the end of our time in Sofia it was no where near as often. Some of that picked up again surrounded by four very full of life children, but it has started to fall off again. He does not stuff food in his mouth because he knows it will not be taken from him. He does not sit straight up on my lap. He lets me hold him and collapses in my arms. Last night and today as I asked if he was ready for bed he leaned into my arms, completely comfortable in my lap and slept. He has never had a mom hold him as he fell asleep and now, he knows, I am his mom and my arms are exactly where he belongs.

I am blessed and thankful

We are very fond of eachother and his family adores him. He spent hours yesterday just watching Nathan work. And today he braved the pool, laughing as Verity splashed him. Everyone who meets him is struck by his sweetness. He has quickly learned that Anya and Karis will meet his needs. And that Verity is his sister, she does not care who he is she is not going to let anyone push her around and he has learned to push back, if she is in his spot he pushes her right out. They are instant siblings :) David adores his brother. He has waited so long for another boy.

There is a lot ahead for him. Dental work, neurosurgeon appointments to look at his shunt, physical therapy, speech therapy and medical tests. Nothing is certain and there is a lot ahead. But this boy, this Bozhidar, is truly a "gift from God." And this time that has not been as hard as I thought is absolutely an answer to prayer.

Aren't You Excited?

"Aren't you excited!?!?"
It is what I hear almost every day.
And every part of me, wants to say "Yes!"
But the honest answer is. "Not yet."
In adoption there seems to be this whole, hurry, hurry, wait cycle. And after the wait it is hurry hurry again.
And so that is where we are. I have written earlier in the past couple of posts that life in general has been really hard. It continues to be hard with all that life seems to throw at you. And I hope and pray that in a year or two when I look back on March and April of 2014, I will rejoice at what God has done. But in the middle of it, in the middle of a lot of a lot, I am having a hard time even seeing anything but what is right in front of me.
And then fear creeps in. Fear that I have had as a mom always, fear that I will not be enough. Fear that I will have no idea what I am doing. Even though I have done this four times before, the mom thing, there is so much unknown.
And I fear for Bozhidar, that he will be overwhelmed. I fear that it will be what we expect, and fear that it will not be what we expect.
So much of this process is faith. Trusting that we are doing this because we know it is what our family is to do, but not sure how each day will look. It is trusting that in the end it will be all worth it. All the work and exhaustion. Because this little boy, our son, IS worth it.
And, there is SO much to do. There is the buying of plane tickets, the booking of a place to stay for the two weeks. TWO weeks, I will be away from my family. There is the packing and the finishing up figuring out what to pack. There is the finishing up stuff here for when I get back and the people here who I will miss like crazy. There are four children and my husband that I have never been away from for that long. And I love them so much. And I want to make sure they are taken care of and fed. My husband can do that, but he also has to work. So there is the setting up of child care every day and the meals I am trying to arrange to make sure that they are all okay. I am leaving my family and that is full of emotions. Especially when I feel like my family needs me so much right now, but maybe that is arrogant, they will be okay without me. And there are doctors appointments to finish up and bills to pay and the desparate trying to finish it all. And it might not all get finished. And that will be okay.
But am I excited? That emotion has not been one that has come yet.
So what am I feeling? Fear, overwhelmed, tired and HOPE.

Overflowing with Thankfulness!

This week was a week we had been waiting for! We passed court and became officially the parents and family of Bozhidar Gabriel Jacobs. There became one less orphan. And our family became, "Jacobs Party of 7."

It was at the end of one of the hardest months of my life. I have said this over and over. And then the next month gets harder. I wrote last time about the sickness and anxiety. Thinking, it could not possibly get worse. And I was wrong. The two weeks following those two weeks got exponentially worse. It seemed with each bit of adoption news, each new good thing and step in the right direction we got knocked off our feet again and again.

And then we passed court and we got good news about two things we have been waiting for in personal life. And suddenly the calm came. And it came with more emotions than expected. Because you hold it together just because you have to and then when relief comes so does a lot of emotion.

And today I got the sweetest gift. I got sleep. I laid down during rest time and when my daughter woke me up, I felt like I had slept a year. I wanted to cry with joy at this gift, I was so unaware how hard this month had been even in the middle of it, and now that we have made it, the gift of rest was just that a gift.

And I am SO thankful!

And now the questions...
His name. For the past year most of you all have known him as Hamilton or "Hami." He will probably always be "Hami" especially to my three year old. But his name is Bozhidar. When we met him back at Thanksgiving we both knew we could not change it. We are changing everything else about his life. He does not get to bring anything with him. We are going to keep his name. And his name, it means "Gift from God." And he truly is. His middle name is Gabriel. It is after our church which has given thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars toward bringing him home. The church and the people in the church have gone above and beyond everything and anything I have ever seen or heard of a church doing to bring this little boy home and support our family. They have been a blessing! In the orphanage the call him "Bobby." It might be what he goes by. Maybe Gabe? My sister calls him Bozhi, I kind of like that. We will see what sticks when he comes.

And when do we get to bring him home? We passed court. He is officially ours. But he is still there in the orphanage. We are waiting for official travel dates and trying to get things in order. My mom is going with me and has work schedule that needs working around. Nathan will stay with our kids. It will be a few weeks before we can go and get him.

I do not even know how to say "thank you" to all those that have helped to bring this boy to our family. I have been AMAZED at God's faithfulness through his people. We are VERY blessed!

An Update

I wish there was a way I could cry "Uncle!" "Enough!"

This week, it is enough. I am tired.

My little boy has had several severe anxiety attacks, for hours on Saturday he believed he was turning blue and dying. He screamed at me and clung to me.

"..He will quiet you with his love."

In the middle of the night my three year old wandered into my room, SCREAMING at me because she was awake. She did not want to be awake and to be honest, neither did I, nor did I want to be screamed at. She ran through the house a little ball of anger, screaming and slamming doors. It was 2:00 in the morning. I held her.

"...He will quiet you with his love."

My daughter is fighting sick right now. A fever that left her hallucinating that bugs were crawling all over me. She sat there screaming at me. I held her and prayed.

"...He will quiet you with his love."

And the number of times, I have screamed, ENOUGH! I need a break. And the words speak to me.

"....He will quiet you with his love."

I am certain one day I will look back on this week and see something almost funny about it. But it has been more than I ever thought I could handle in the right now.

And then yesterday. We got it. The email that said we got the signature that passed us on to court. 

We got what we had been waiting for. In the middle of fevers and sickness, anxiety and sleeplessness. There was a tiny glimmer of hope.

And to celebrate I decided to put this together

It is the quilt we are making for our little boy. The top is now done. I will have to add a binding and backing and then sign all the names of all those who have donated and helped to bring him home.

Thank you for helping and praying.

Next we wait for a court date. Please keep praying!

Hoping

It started awful, a little boy crying because his daddy was leaving for the weekend, a daddy leaving for the weekend, and an annoying email.

And then something happened. Today in the middle of a discouraging day, in a week that seemed harder than most. Today, I knew we might hear if we got this signature we are waiting for. Today, I heard, we did not.

Yesterday, I asked my case manager, "How do people go through this and stay sane?"
She said, "To be honest, most don't"
I laughed to myself and asked, "So, are you saying I am going to go insane?"
She said, "Yes, but it is temporaray."

I appreciated the honesty. I started giving fair warning, at any time, I might actually go insane.

Today I learned another family, that traveled after us, that got Article 5 after us got a court date. It does not make sense. And I find myself comparing, competing with others in this process, and it is wearisome.

And today, my friend, one I have not met, but have chatted with on line, shared with me that she passed court today. They went on the first trip the same time as us. They got the signature. They got the court date. They passed court and will be headed over in the next five weeks. We still wait. She understands the ache because before all of this, they planned initially to adopt two children, best friends. But very soon afterwards, after committing to this, their little girl passed away. They know the anxiety, the ache, the hurt, the hard wait. She said to me, "I do not understand why you have to still wait. But I know that it does not make sense, earthly sense, so there must be a spiritual battle being waged on these children." And it filled me with fight! Because she is right.

Our little boy, is so important to my Heavenly Father. He matters. He is part of a bigger plan. And because he matters to God, there is a battle being waged for him. For these children that the world does not see. They matter to God. And therefore, Satan is fighting for them as well!

Today has been full of heart ache, but also promise. Hope, something I have not had in a while. That all of this matters!

Psalm 71:14, "As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more."

I was also blessed to spend the afternoon with another mom who is adopting from the same country we are. She just got back from her first trip. They live in town with us. And we were able to talk about things that only people in the middle of this insane process understand. And my heart was encouraged.

There were other little things that gave me hope. Things I don't need to share, but things that I will hold onto. That I will share with our boy when he comes.

I am so thankful for the community of people we have been surrounded with and all of their prayers!
Thank You!