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Forgive me, this post will be long. But it is one I have meant to write for days, and just have not had time....

Three weeks ago, I was getting ready to head to Bulgaria to meet our little boy for a second time, to welcome him to our family. And I was terrified that he would not remember me. We had a good easy flight and settled into a great apartment in Sofia. I went with my mom, a trip, I never dreamed she and I would get to do together. The day after we arrived they picked us up early in the morning to make the drive to our son's orphanage. The orphanage is about three and a half hours away. The drive was easy but long waiting again to see what he would think when he saw me again. I had packed a banana, since last fall when we saw him, every day we brought a banana. When they brought him in the room he cried and I reached out for him. He sat on my lap with tears. They said, it is your mommy. And he stopped. He looked at me and reached for something. I thought maybe one of the toys I brought? No, he was reaching for the backpack. It was a different backpack, but a backpack was what I brought a banana in every day last fall. He got off my lap and reached for the backpack. I pulled a banana out, and he signed, "more." We had taught him that last time we spent with him. HE REMEMBERED!!!! He eagerly ate that banana like he had never eaten in his life. And then we left, and I honestly do not think he has looked back.

Has it been what we expected? Kind of. Has it been hard? At times, yes. But honestly, he is kind of the dream child. My mom and I often would just look at eachother kind of amazed at how amazing he is. He spent the week and a half there eating, and eating and eating some more. He has gained over three pounds in the two weeks we have spent with him. He likes to eat and sleep and then go. After eating, he gets his shoes and climbs in the stroller and wants to go. There is a world he has been waiting to see and it is time. He then eats some more and walks to his crib for a nap. He then eats some more, gets in the stroller and wants to go. Then back to eat some more and sleep. That was what the days looked like. And he did not care where we went. So we went on a walking tour of Sofia, visited old churches, souvenir shopped, met other families on pick up trips and went on adventures to find the nearest Starbucks. We walked to the park and watched kids play. For now, that is mostly what he does, watch.

Our plane ride home was long. The entire trip was twenty one hours. He slept one hour of that. Bozhidar does not watch T.V. or show any interest in any electronics. So for twenty hours he just sat and watched and ate when we gave him food. He did not complain, he was patient. Our stop in Houston and immigration was horrible. They were on a power trip and gave me a very hard time. Thanks to an amazing man who helped us through the airport though, we still made our flight with four minutes to spare. There was a lot of running. Bozhidar laughed with glee as we raced through the airport, even nineteen hours after traveling. We boarded the plane and the flight attendant greeted us. He asked how old Bozhidar was, this is the question I dread the most. He is seven. They ask me to repeat it usually because there is no way he should be SEVEN? I explained he really was. The man came back several times. And finally near the end of the flight came and gave me his email address. He said, "I am really moved by this little boy, I want to know how he does. Can you email me in a few months and just let me know?"

And that is Bozhidar. A perspective changer.

Because here at home, the things I left that were hard are still hard. But there is a little boy who lived in an orphanage and never had a mom to hold him and siblings to kiss him more times than he could bear. He never had a dad's strong arms carry him. He for whatever reason has not been fed. His teeth are rotten. He is seven and weighed twenty pounds. There is nothing fairy tale about his life. But when you meet him, his smile and joy that lights his face will make you smile. He is sweet and outgoing and funny and FULL OF LIFE. It is kind of like he was just waiting for this moment, his moment. And life and joy exude when it does not make sense to be joyful, when life has not been easy. And whatever is hard here is given perspective.

The first days and weeks spent together we saw some of his nervous, self stimulation wane. He rocked all the time when we picked him up, but by the end of our time in Sofia it was no where near as often. Some of that picked up again surrounded by four very full of life children, but it has started to fall off again. He does not stuff food in his mouth because he knows it will not be taken from him. He does not sit straight up on my lap. He lets me hold him and collapses in my arms. Last night and today as I asked if he was ready for bed he leaned into my arms, completely comfortable in my lap and slept. He has never had a mom hold him as he fell asleep and now, he knows, I am his mom and my arms are exactly where he belongs.

I am blessed and thankful

We are very fond of eachother and his family adores him. He spent hours yesterday just watching Nathan work. And today he braved the pool, laughing as Verity splashed him. Everyone who meets him is struck by his sweetness. He has quickly learned that Anya and Karis will meet his needs. And that Verity is his sister, she does not care who he is she is not going to let anyone push her around and he has learned to push back, if she is in his spot he pushes her right out. They are instant siblings :) David adores his brother. He has waited so long for another boy.

There is a lot ahead for him. Dental work, neurosurgeon appointments to look at his shunt, physical therapy, speech therapy and medical tests. Nothing is certain and there is a lot ahead. But this boy, this Bozhidar, is truly a "gift from God." And this time that has not been as hard as I thought is absolutely an answer to prayer.

Aren't You Excited?

"Aren't you excited!?!?"
It is what I hear almost every day.
And every part of me, wants to say "Yes!"
But the honest answer is. "Not yet."
In adoption there seems to be this whole, hurry, hurry, wait cycle. And after the wait it is hurry hurry again.
And so that is where we are. I have written earlier in the past couple of posts that life in general has been really hard. It continues to be hard with all that life seems to throw at you. And I hope and pray that in a year or two when I look back on March and April of 2014, I will rejoice at what God has done. But in the middle of it, in the middle of a lot of a lot, I am having a hard time even seeing anything but what is right in front of me.
And then fear creeps in. Fear that I have had as a mom always, fear that I will not be enough. Fear that I will have no idea what I am doing. Even though I have done this four times before, the mom thing, there is so much unknown.
And I fear for Bozhidar, that he will be overwhelmed. I fear that it will be what we expect, and fear that it will not be what we expect.
So much of this process is faith. Trusting that we are doing this because we know it is what our family is to do, but not sure how each day will look. It is trusting that in the end it will be all worth it. All the work and exhaustion. Because this little boy, our son, IS worth it.
And, there is SO much to do. There is the buying of plane tickets, the booking of a place to stay for the two weeks. TWO weeks, I will be away from my family. There is the packing and the finishing up figuring out what to pack. There is the finishing up stuff here for when I get back and the people here who I will miss like crazy. There are four children and my husband that I have never been away from for that long. And I love them so much. And I want to make sure they are taken care of and fed. My husband can do that, but he also has to work. So there is the setting up of child care every day and the meals I am trying to arrange to make sure that they are all okay. I am leaving my family and that is full of emotions. Especially when I feel like my family needs me so much right now, but maybe that is arrogant, they will be okay without me. And there are doctors appointments to finish up and bills to pay and the desparate trying to finish it all. And it might not all get finished. And that will be okay.
But am I excited? That emotion has not been one that has come yet.
So what am I feeling? Fear, overwhelmed, tired and HOPE.

Overflowing with Thankfulness!

This week was a week we had been waiting for! We passed court and became officially the parents and family of Bozhidar Gabriel Jacobs. There became one less orphan. And our family became, "Jacobs Party of 7."

It was at the end of one of the hardest months of my life. I have said this over and over. And then the next month gets harder. I wrote last time about the sickness and anxiety. Thinking, it could not possibly get worse. And I was wrong. The two weeks following those two weeks got exponentially worse. It seemed with each bit of adoption news, each new good thing and step in the right direction we got knocked off our feet again and again.

And then we passed court and we got good news about two things we have been waiting for in personal life. And suddenly the calm came. And it came with more emotions than expected. Because you hold it together just because you have to and then when relief comes so does a lot of emotion.

And today I got the sweetest gift. I got sleep. I laid down during rest time and when my daughter woke me up, I felt like I had slept a year. I wanted to cry with joy at this gift, I was so unaware how hard this month had been even in the middle of it, and now that we have made it, the gift of rest was just that a gift.

And I am SO thankful!

And now the questions...
His name. For the past year most of you all have known him as Hamilton or "Hami." He will probably always be "Hami" especially to my three year old. But his name is Bozhidar. When we met him back at Thanksgiving we both knew we could not change it. We are changing everything else about his life. He does not get to bring anything with him. We are going to keep his name. And his name, it means "Gift from God." And he truly is. His middle name is Gabriel. It is after our church which has given thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars toward bringing him home. The church and the people in the church have gone above and beyond everything and anything I have ever seen or heard of a church doing to bring this little boy home and support our family. They have been a blessing! In the orphanage the call him "Bobby." It might be what he goes by. Maybe Gabe? My sister calls him Bozhi, I kind of like that. We will see what sticks when he comes.

And when do we get to bring him home? We passed court. He is officially ours. But he is still there in the orphanage. We are waiting for official travel dates and trying to get things in order. My mom is going with me and has work schedule that needs working around. Nathan will stay with our kids. It will be a few weeks before we can go and get him.

I do not even know how to say "thank you" to all those that have helped to bring this boy to our family. I have been AMAZED at God's faithfulness through his people. We are VERY blessed!

An Update

I wish there was a way I could cry "Uncle!" "Enough!"

This week, it is enough. I am tired.

My little boy has had several severe anxiety attacks, for hours on Saturday he believed he was turning blue and dying. He screamed at me and clung to me.

"..He will quiet you with his love."

In the middle of the night my three year old wandered into my room, SCREAMING at me because she was awake. She did not want to be awake and to be honest, neither did I, nor did I want to be screamed at. She ran through the house a little ball of anger, screaming and slamming doors. It was 2:00 in the morning. I held her.

"...He will quiet you with his love."

My daughter is fighting sick right now. A fever that left her hallucinating that bugs were crawling all over me. She sat there screaming at me. I held her and prayed.

"...He will quiet you with his love."

And the number of times, I have screamed, ENOUGH! I need a break. And the words speak to me.

"....He will quiet you with his love."

I am certain one day I will look back on this week and see something almost funny about it. But it has been more than I ever thought I could handle in the right now.

And then yesterday. We got it. The email that said we got the signature that passed us on to court. 

We got what we had been waiting for. In the middle of fevers and sickness, anxiety and sleeplessness. There was a tiny glimmer of hope.

And to celebrate I decided to put this together

It is the quilt we are making for our little boy. The top is now done. I will have to add a binding and backing and then sign all the names of all those who have donated and helped to bring him home.

Thank you for helping and praying.

Next we wait for a court date. Please keep praying!

Hoping

It started awful, a little boy crying because his daddy was leaving for the weekend, a daddy leaving for the weekend, and an annoying email.

And then something happened. Today in the middle of a discouraging day, in a week that seemed harder than most. Today, I knew we might hear if we got this signature we are waiting for. Today, I heard, we did not.

Yesterday, I asked my case manager, "How do people go through this and stay sane?"
She said, "To be honest, most don't"
I laughed to myself and asked, "So, are you saying I am going to go insane?"
She said, "Yes, but it is temporaray."

I appreciated the honesty. I started giving fair warning, at any time, I might actually go insane.

Today I learned another family, that traveled after us, that got Article 5 after us got a court date. It does not make sense. And I find myself comparing, competing with others in this process, and it is wearisome.

And today, my friend, one I have not met, but have chatted with on line, shared with me that she passed court today. They went on the first trip the same time as us. They got the signature. They got the court date. They passed court and will be headed over in the next five weeks. We still wait. She understands the ache because before all of this, they planned initially to adopt two children, best friends. But very soon afterwards, after committing to this, their little girl passed away. They know the anxiety, the ache, the hurt, the hard wait. She said to me, "I do not understand why you have to still wait. But I know that it does not make sense, earthly sense, so there must be a spiritual battle being waged on these children." And it filled me with fight! Because she is right.

Our little boy, is so important to my Heavenly Father. He matters. He is part of a bigger plan. And because he matters to God, there is a battle being waged for him. For these children that the world does not see. They matter to God. And therefore, Satan is fighting for them as well!

Today has been full of heart ache, but also promise. Hope, something I have not had in a while. That all of this matters!

Psalm 71:14, "As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more."

I was also blessed to spend the afternoon with another mom who is adopting from the same country we are. She just got back from her first trip. They live in town with us. And we were able to talk about things that only people in the middle of this insane process understand. And my heart was encouraged.

There were other little things that gave me hope. Things I don't need to share, but things that I will hold onto. That I will share with our boy when he comes.

I am so thankful for the community of people we have been surrounded with and all of their prayers!
Thank You!

A Discouraging Week

This week has been SO discouraging. I know that adoption is hard. I know that it is complicated. But sometimes, it just more than I know what to do with! I have no idea why it is so difficult. Why there are so many roadblocks. I know that there are things put into place to protect children from being put in horrible situations. I know this. I just do not know how to keep sane in the midst of it all.

The country we are adopting from has had some disagreements about signatures. At some point they decided that they would pass everyone who had been waiting on to court. We thought we were in that group. I celebrated. We have been waiting quite a while, not as long as some, but long enough.

We were waiting for court. And last week, a lot of people got court dates. My heart was so torn as I celebrated with people I only know through this adoption world. People on this same path who have been waiting as long or longer got dates. But we did not. I held on hope, maybe this week we would hear. But more court dates were given. We still did not hear.

I finally asked my case manager if she was sure we got a signature. She said it was possible we did not. She asked the organization we are working with there. They said "No, we do not have a signature." And we are back to waiting. Back to praying that our little guy holds on. Praying for signatures. And then a court date.

I know that God's timing is perfect. I KNOW that God loves our little guy more than I ever could. I know there could be reasons. But I also know that we live in a world full of people, broken people that do not make the best decisions all the time.

There was a possiblity, maybe today we would get a signature, as of now we still have not heard.

Please keep praying for things to move, for mountains to move to bring this little boy home. Pray for peace in my heart as I wait. I am so thankful for everyone who has prayed with us on this journey. Thank You!

Please keep praying!

I have so much I want to write right now, hopes and promises that I am clinging too when my faith seems to be wavering. But my words would probably be too much to figure, so I am just asking for prayers still. I was VERY encouraged last time I asked for prayers that signatures would start happening. Within days, everyone waiting was given consent. I waited to write, because I SO wanted to just be able to say, and now we have a court date! But we do not.

Today, I heard person after person that got court dates, we did not. I have no idea how it works. One of the families that was in the country the same time we were got their court date today. We did not. And I want to celebrate with all these families, with orphans that will have families. And I get to celebrate with a friend today who leaves in just a very few short days to get her little girl.

But we still wait. And sometime I think the wait is more than I can bear.

So PLEASE if you have been praying, keep praying. Pray for a court date. Pray that he knows we are coming back and that he is strong and healthy!

Thank you for joining us in prayer throughout this journey. It is something we cannot do on our own.