Practicing Silence

I literally found myself the other day talking to a group of moms about a moth. I stood there, in a group of moms I had never met before and I felt the need to fill the silence, so, I came up with this VERY random statement about a moth. A friend was kind enough to introduce me to a group of women because she knew I did not know anyone. So after all the introductions there was silence, and so I decided to fill it. I specifically said, "When we were leaving a moth flew into our house." Silence. I continued, "I am so glad it was not a wasp." Silence, then the awkward looking around and everyone quietly scattered to other parts of the playground. I just felt this need to fill the silence.

I remember this moment in my life. It is probably one of those moments my dad was not really aware would have affected me to this day. It is one of those moments I probably have had with my own children, when I said something that possibly has crushed them and I did not even realize it, or maybe I did, in anger, but immediately regretted it. I am not sure my dad's reasoning behind it, but it has never left me. And in that moment, I thought I was defective. We were driving in the car just my dad and me. I have no idea where we were going, but I remember him saying, "I wish you were your sister, at least then you would have something to talk about." See, I was comfortable with silence, I was a quiet kid. And my dad also is more introverted, although, apparently not as comfortable with silence. Anyways, he said it, and I am not sure if he meant it or was just frustrated, but it stuck with me. And for years I had struggled with this fault in me, and tried to be more like my sister. To have something to say, to not let their be silence. 

But, I have learned there are moments to listen and others to speak. I have learned silence is not bad. It is definitely better than talking about moths. Sometimes it is in the silence that the most is said and it is necessary for silence to hear. I have learned that like our moms have said "when you have nothing nice to say do not say anything at all." I think I would modify it to say, "if you have nothing to say, don't just say something." Because sometimes when I am talking to fill this defect in me, I might be missing something. Because sometimes in the noise, I just cannot hear. And definitely when I am talking to fill a void I will make a fool of myself. I cannot tell you the number of emails I have sent to people I have met with or friends I have chatted with, apologizing for all the excess words I have said, that were not beneficial or helpful. Words that I used to just fill the silence. Words that I decided to fill instead of listening for their words to fill. And so I will have to continue to practice silence.

Am I cut out for this?

So, today, I find myself wondering what on earth God was thinking when he gave me this child. Those of you who know me well, I do not even need to say which child it is. I know the Lord knows exactly what He is doing, and somehow thinks that I am capable of raising this girl, but right at this moment there is not one ounce of me that agrees!

We are not anywhere near settled in, but my girls in particular are dying to make new friends. Karis has chosen the bold route of just asking every random girl that looks close to her age at the pool if they will be her friend. Her next question is what church they go to and apparently somewhere in there what they weigh?!?! SO I now know random information about a few little girls that swim at our pool, including if they go to church and their weight.  I am not sure how this all goes, but so far it has NOT resulted in a best friend. So, maybe a more subtle approach...

We invited over a mom that I met at a homeschool group meeting. She too has four children. The oldest between my two girls age. Things were going O.K. There were the random screams, the insects Karis made out of paper that she was throwing at the other girls... have I mentioned that we have recently been finding cockroaches in our house?!?!? Well, she knew this would get Anya riled up. SO she made her own insects and then begged me to let her go get a grasshopper to throw at them and scare them. I nixed that but it took a few minutes of really putting my foot down.

The thing with this girl is that she REALLY, REALLY wants people to like her. And if you laugh at her, success, usually. But sometimes it just gets carried away. And I think that is what happened here. I am not exactly sure WHAT happened, but Anya came to mention that Karis was being just a bit too rough. SO I asked Karis to just come sit with me a few minutes to calm down. She folded her arms and refused, with that look of, "You will get nowhere, I am fighting this to the death!" And that is exactly what happened in front of my guest. She screamed at me, slapped me, refused to move. I finally had to say I was going to ask our friends to leave, which is probably what I should have done at that point, in hindsight it would have been better. But she followed me to my room, screaming at me the entire time. I told her she needed to stay in there for 10 minutes and then we would talk, she refused, screaming and yelling how much she hates me and I am NOT her mother. I ignored her, shut the door, and tried to wrap up the conversation I was having with this mother, which I was doing choking back tears in my eyes, as my child is breaking my heart in the other room with the horrible things she is screaming at me.

Her ten minutes ran out and I went to talk to her, but she refused throwing things and dumping unpacked boxes on her head, I said fine, and left to really wrap up with this mom. A few minutes later she walked out and just started playing with the other kids, not one word to me. It was time for them to leave. I was still at this point just broken, trying to figure out how to get through to my precious child that I love her, but this is COMPLETELY unacceptable. She could tell something was wrong, and she asked, "What is the matter, mom?" I told her she had embarrassed me and upset me. Unfortunately the embarrassed part probably was ruling my reaction more than anything. But her actions were unacceptable and she owed me an apology. Her response, "Why, what did I do?" That is the thing, I do not know if she even is aware of what just took place. She apologized, but then asked if there was anything else I was upset about, as if this was not enough. I told her she needed to wait a few minutes and make sure she really was sorry for what she had done. I needed her to realize that she had lost time with friends, and possibly made it that our family may never have friends in Arkansas if she continues to act and react this way!

I feel like I need a battle plan, that I need armor and wisdom. I need to know when to fight and when to let her fall on her face. She terrifies me, she is smart and sensitive. She loves with all she has in her but fights that way too. I remember a friend telling me how hard life with be for her because she feels SO much, everything affects her. She is exhausting and exciting. I believe with everything in me that God has a plan for her life, and it has the possibility of amazing, but on days like today I question whether I am the right person to prepare her for that life, to raise her and train her. Am I really cut out for this? But I HAVE to just trust that God knew exactly what He was doing when he gave her to me.

The Greatest Adventure

12 years ago today I married my amazing husband. We were kids it seems when we married, and I tend to be a bit impulsive, which may be why we got engaged after only knowing each other 5 months (3 of which I was in Russia) We met in kind of a crazy way that involved him drawing a line on the ground with a piece of chalk and asking me to cross it if I was willing to get to know him, and 5 months later we got engaged with line of chalk on the ground and him on the other side on one knee asking me if I was willing to marry him to cross it. We were both young and immature and in love. We never talked about kids or having them or how many. We never talked about what we would do or where we would live. We were just in love.

My life had been full of travel and adventure before marriage, starting young. My mom had sent me to France for a few weeks when I was just 11 on an exchange program, and I was bit by the adventure bug. I traveled all over. Helping repair houses in the Appalachian Mountains, working with kids in Tijuana, Mexico ,traveling around France, missions in Russia, hiking part of the Appalachian Trail, leading backpacking trips in Tennessee. I had new adventures every year. So the summer after my Senior Year of college, I was getting married. I remember being afraid that my life of adventure would be over. AND I remember my mom saying, "Oh, this is the biggest adventure and it is just starting."And it was an adventure, but not like any I had before. A small part of me missed my life of something new and exciting every year. But there were other adventures, we moved A LOT, 6 states and 10 moves in the past 12 years. Add 4 kids in there and there are all sorts of adventures to share, but I still missed it a bit.

Then this year something unexpected happened. Well, nothing about this year has really been expected. BUT  something even more unexpected. We were moving to Arkansas. Nothing was going quite as planned, but there was this moment where we were just out of place, our stuff was in transit... we each had a suitcase and not much else. We were staying with my in-laws, but we just felt restless. So I called Nathan and said why don't we go somewhere. We don't have to be anywhere for the next week, we have nothing going on, we are just sitting around waiting, let's go see the Grand Canyon. So we made a few phone calls, to a good friend/family who live in Flagstaff and asked if we could come stay for a few days. The next day we loaded the car, with all four of our children and drove and drove, for 27 hours straight to Flagstaff, AZ. We spent four days full of blessing. Full of refreshment. We left four days later SO happy we had made that decision. Thankful for God's blessing of friends. And amazed at his creation. We drove through the night to our new home in Arkansas. And I felt my heart full as I realized that I have also been blessed with a family that is ready for adventure. My kids were a bit nervous but I reminded them of all the times they ask me to tell them about an adventure I had, and someday they will be able to share this adventure with their kids at dinner. That was all it took, they were ready. There was not one complaint, honestly, just excitement. I felt SO blessed and thankful to have my wonderful husband and children to live life with, which IS actually the greatest adventure.

The Gift of Encouragement

I always assumed my children would be talented at something, maybe that something would help them in a career or maybe it would hinder them from a real career. But I always assumed that I would encourage that gift. I knew that I would help my children find what God had gifted them with and encourage them to grow in that ability, not just that ability, to be well rounded of course, but I really wanted them to use what God had given them. This is probably one of the only things I really, really thought about before having children. Helping them find who God made them to be.

HOWEVER, I never thought about the gifts God would give them that were not career, life gifts, but gifts of the Holy Spirit in them. But recently I have seen  my Karis has a real gift of encouragement. She is one of my biggest challenges because I adore her, but she is so foreign to me, so unlike me that I have no idea how to be a good mom to her. SO last week, she was throwing up, and being very brave about it. After her second bout of being sick, she was cuddled up by me in my bed, and she said, "Mom, you are a really good mom. You made me feel so good while I was sick, you have stayed up with me, you came in the bathroom with me, you rubbed my back, you did all those things and they made me feel better. Thank you." It was eleven o'clock at night and she is seven years old. And here my daughter is encouraging me! Then a few days later we went to get her ears pierced as a special treat, just her and I. She said all night that it was the best night of her life, but after she got her ears pierced, again, she said to me, "Mom, you did such a good job making me feel better, letting me hold onto you tight while I got my ears pierced. Thank you!" And the final gift for me was last night during prayers, she prayed for my run this morning, knowing how much I want to run and how hard it has been for me, she prayed that I would have a good run this morning. So this morning while I ran, I thought of my Karis and what a gift she is to me, what an encouragement!

More than I bargained for....

We had waited for so long for this. We waited and wondered how long we would have to wait, and THEN we got a job. AND we were thankful. So thankful for all the blessings of a job and a fresh start and finding our inner small town. We were even blessed to find out that Siloam Springs, AR is on the list of top 20 small towns in the country. BUT as we prepare for this new adventure I have found that moving and owning a house and being all grown up is a bit more than I had bargained for. My amazing husband has decided to do EVERY task we have not done over the past three years in one month to make our house market ready. And I admire him for his  hard work. But I worry that it is all for not. That this house won't sell, that we will be unable to move, that we will be stuck. I worry that God wont hear THIS part of the prayer. And today was about the breaking point. Everything that could possibly go wrong with fixing up did. He just could not go any more. And there are still four kids to take care of and mouths to feed and activities to get to. There are still dishes to be done, homeschooling to think about, work for me.

And all I can think, is that this is WAY more than I bargained for. I thought once we got to having a job, everything would fall into place, but it hasn't and right now, today it is hard to see where the end will be. I had one of my "I Hate the Color Blue" moments. I wrote about it last year. It is when all the things I want in life to be OK are not and then everything starts to go wrong. Like if someone actually built a counter top into a wall?and said counter top needed to be removed so it needs to be split apart by sheer force which may or may not involve taking some of the wall off?!?! and then I spilled an ENTIRE bottle of grape juice all over the floor? and THEN after my husband repainted/caulked fixed stuff outside a TORRENTIAL rain comes plowing through? and kids have to be at a birthday party and husband is ready to pass out and thinks he is dying (sometimes a bit of a hypochondriac) And bread needs making for tomorrow, the house is trashed and I work tomorrow and have a meeting which means sick husband has to take care of kids and a messy house, I need to clean the house....tuck in kids, and somewhere in it I decided to TRY and help which usually means disaster and instead of using a paint scraper to take off paint on the sink, I took skin off my wrist and we don't have running water because we are putting in a sink so baby wipes and Neosporin will have to do. AND just to end it all the brand new counter top/faucet leaks. They worked for 10 hours straight and it just did not work out, and everything seemed to fall apart. And for now I am also going to "Hate the color blue."

 I am going to write a rant, and then wake up tomorrow thankful for all I have to rant and complain about, for a house to fix up, for kids to feed and a husband who loves me enough to do all this. But today it is WAY more than I bargained for.

An Extra Blessing at Easter

This Easter we celebrated with our church all weekend the joyous blessing of Easter. Our church celebrates all weekend with Saturday night being an Easter vigil. The first hour is readings through the Old Testament with music and scripture, starting with Creation and going through the promises of Scripture. And then there is the Holy Noise, when we rejoice that Jesus is risen, there are bells and clapping and cheering and we rejoice and the whole church changes from sorrow and darkness to joy. The cross is changed from being covered in black to a banner of white draped across it and flowers fill the church and banners fall and the children dance. It is a huge celebration and seems to fit how I think Easter should be, a celebration!

BUT the extra blessing this Easter came from my little boy. I believe God is close to children, that they hear Him better sometimes than adults because we are so busy with life. And this little boy that I have been gifted with is the closest thing to joy I have seen in my life. It is hard not to smile when you are around him. And from the time he was a baby I have seen joy burst from him. His AWANA teacher told me last week that he always knows his scripture reading, which I found kind of funny since I never have looked at his book with him or worked on a verse, I do it more for his socialization than anything to be honest. I asked him about it and he said, "they are just in my head, mom." AND this is the boy who always goes up for prayer at the front of the church and frequently asks that they pray for his heart, because he knows he needs a good heart. He asked so much that one of the men who prays with him finally asked us if he has a heart problem. No heart problem, just a knowledge that his heart is what needs to be right with God I guess. So on Good Friday this weekend, we went up to pray at the foot of the cross. I asked him if I could pray with him about anything. He said, "Yes, I want to pray that Jesus makes me alive!" And that was it. My heart swelled as my son reminded me that is just what Easter is about, He died so we can have life, eternal. So we can have new life, we can be alive. So we prayed, Jesus make us alive!

So thankful for the new life God has given me and for the blessing of these little children that teach me SO much about God who is so close to His children.

Roller Skates and Memories

If I were to describe my childhood, the fond memories would always include, swimming at the local pool, roller skating and family camping trips in the summer. It seemed like a whole different world then we live in now, there was so much freedom. We knew to be home for meals and bedtime. There were no cell phones to track us down at every minute, and we survived it.

And, when I think back on my childhood there was definitely a good couple of years where it would have been difficult to tell if my feet were actually feet or in fact roller skates. Because, I lived in roller skates. I think it was probably the years of kindergarten and first grade, although now that I have a first and fourth grader I cannot believe my mom let me just roller skate around the neighborhood unsupervised, but we did. We lived for roller skating. We helped the mailman with his mail route, although we were not allowed to touch the mail or even the mail cart, I think we might have gotten away with the mail cart every once in a while, pushing it to the next house. We roller skated from the moment we woke up, until we went to bed. Frequently eating our dinner in roller skates or wearing them in the car while my mom went through the drive through. We roller skated on sidewalks, in driveways and even in the basement when it was too cold or rainy. I have this clear memory of my sister and best friend, roller skating down the road with our long brown hair, attempting to convince the mail man that we were in fact triplets. Years later all that practice helped us at the roller rink when we had to skate backwards for the slow skate or do the limbo for prizes. But my fondest memories are the spring and fall days when it was not too hot, roller skating with my sister and dear friend.

So... imagine my delight as my girls discovered my old roller skates while visiting their grandma's house a few weeks back. My old red, white and blue roller skates, still in pretty good condition. They roller skated to the library the other day, packing their shoes in their bags so they could get some books and roller skate home. And they have spent hours and hours skating in the basement since this past weekend when we got them. I am SO delighted that my girls get to use these skates and make their own memories.

I would love to hear some other memories of childhood.