It has been a week of battles. It takes weeks like this for me to realize that somewhere along the past couple of months the battles had subsided, we have learned some new tricks for sleep-- mostly no more naps and she falls asleep in my arms at 7:30 pm. It has been lovely and surprisingly calm. But this week has brought back the two year old in fine form. Everything has been a battle. Getting dressed, changing diapers, eating, playing, pretty much every single thing we do is a battle. And sometimes these battles come in the middle of the night. Last night it was a half an hour of screaming NO! I still do not know what she was mad about. I just know that being woken up and screamed at for half an hour in the middle of the night, usually does not lead to a good start to the next day.
And it did not start nicely at all. I woke up and got ready to run. I should have gotten out the door quicker, but I did not, I dilly dallied, and when it was time for me to go, my two year old came running out of bed, "DON'T LEAVE ME MOMMY!" Frantically climbing on my lap and clinging to my neck she said over and over, "Don't leave me mommy, don't leave me!" I offered to hold her for five minutes and get her some breakfast before I left. "NO!" We talked and argued for the next few minutes and she finally ended up in time out. For two minutes I let her yell and then gave her a chance to apologize. She sat in her time out chair screaming, "I WANT MOMMY!" But when her chance came to apologize, she refused. She covered her eyes so I could not "see" her and screamed "NO!" She would then hold out her arms, "I WANT MOMMY!" I gave her a chance to apologize, arms crossed, furrowed brow, "NO!" She wanted her way, but she did not want to apologize. She wanted me but without having to change her behavior.
I am always thankful when I can see myself in those moments. I did get to go on my run and I kept thinking how much she is like me. I want God's favor and blessing, I want God to be with me, but I do not want to change my behavior. God, never stops loving me, but sometimes my decisions keep me apart from Him. I cover my eyes and don't want Him to see me in my sin, I do not want to change, I want to keep living my life the way I want but I want God to keep blessing me. I will never stop loving her, but sometimes her decisions make it that she needs to face consequences. Then when she is done I will hold her and love on her.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Friday, February 8, 2013
Why are we Adopting?
Why are we adopting?
I always wanted to adopt. In my little world of dreams as a kid I was going to be successful, independent and a mother to children who needed one. But, I was not getting married.
Then I met Nathan. We met and were married a year and a half later. We married knowing little about what the future held. We did not discuss children or careers or much of anything. We were young and in love, and not much else mattered to us. We never discussed our own children, having any or how many, but did both agree one day... we wanted to adopt.
We believe in life, in choosing life, and each life is sacred.
And, we have been BLESSED with four wonderful children. I am so thankful for the gift of our children, but also aware that there are children still in need of families and homes.
Adoption never left my mind.
I always imagined we would adopt a child out of the foster system because there is such a huge need, and it does not usually cost tens of thousands of dollars. It just made sense. We would wait until our youngest was five or so and then start doing foster care. I was sure this was the plan for us. I remember even last year talking to a friend who adopted a little girl from Ethiopia about adoption, and sharing our plan. She told me she had a plan too, but God's plans are not always our plans. I was still sure that our family being what it was, already six people with a not very high paying job. Maybe we would not adopt, maybe we would be a home for foster kids, and love on them while we could. It is such a selfless life. I know quite a few families that do foster, and I admire their courage and their love. I wanted to be like them.
But then...
Someone posted on Facebook about a friend who had adopted from Eastern Europe. I read the blog because I almost always read anything about adoption, but also because the blog's title had my youngest's name in it, Verity, I never hear anyone with the name, so I read it, curious. And I wept. I asked Nathan to read it. He read it and walked in, in a matter of fact voice and said, "Hamilton, we need to adopt Hamilton." My heart broke all over for so many reasons, because I had loved him from the minute I saw him, this little boy, and because my husband was on the same page, not calling me crazy.
There were so many obstacles in the way. We were moving to a new state, starting a new job, life was about to change. Was this the time? We waited for months. But life started to settle, and I started to wonder if he was still waiting. So, I emailed, just to check, did he have a family yet? No, he is still waiting.
Sometimes when we go places or are just sitting as a family my husband says that he feels like we are missing someone.
There is room in our family for more.
There are so many children waiting for homes, so many children that need a mom and dad to love them, so many children that have been cast aside, it BREAKS my heart.
And he needs a home, and a family. It is as simple as that I think, that is why we are adopting, because this little boy needs a home and a family. And we would love for him to be in our family.
I always wanted to adopt. In my little world of dreams as a kid I was going to be successful, independent and a mother to children who needed one. But, I was not getting married.
Then I met Nathan. We met and were married a year and a half later. We married knowing little about what the future held. We did not discuss children or careers or much of anything. We were young and in love, and not much else mattered to us. We never discussed our own children, having any or how many, but did both agree one day... we wanted to adopt.
We believe in life, in choosing life, and each life is sacred.
And, we have been BLESSED with four wonderful children. I am so thankful for the gift of our children, but also aware that there are children still in need of families and homes.
Adoption never left my mind.
I always imagined we would adopt a child out of the foster system because there is such a huge need, and it does not usually cost tens of thousands of dollars. It just made sense. We would wait until our youngest was five or so and then start doing foster care. I was sure this was the plan for us. I remember even last year talking to a friend who adopted a little girl from Ethiopia about adoption, and sharing our plan. She told me she had a plan too, but God's plans are not always our plans. I was still sure that our family being what it was, already six people with a not very high paying job. Maybe we would not adopt, maybe we would be a home for foster kids, and love on them while we could. It is such a selfless life. I know quite a few families that do foster, and I admire their courage and their love. I wanted to be like them.
But then...
Someone posted on Facebook about a friend who had adopted from Eastern Europe. I read the blog because I almost always read anything about adoption, but also because the blog's title had my youngest's name in it, Verity, I never hear anyone with the name, so I read it, curious. And I wept. I asked Nathan to read it. He read it and walked in, in a matter of fact voice and said, "Hamilton, we need to adopt Hamilton." My heart broke all over for so many reasons, because I had loved him from the minute I saw him, this little boy, and because my husband was on the same page, not calling me crazy.
There were so many obstacles in the way. We were moving to a new state, starting a new job, life was about to change. Was this the time? We waited for months. But life started to settle, and I started to wonder if he was still waiting. So, I emailed, just to check, did he have a family yet? No, he is still waiting.
Sometimes when we go places or are just sitting as a family my husband says that he feels like we are missing someone.
There is room in our family for more.
There are so many children waiting for homes, so many children that need a mom and dad to love them, so many children that have been cast aside, it BREAKS my heart.
And he needs a home, and a family. It is as simple as that I think, that is why we are adopting, because this little boy needs a home and a family. And we would love for him to be in our family.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
A blessing
Yesterday we took our first step of faith in this process. We sent in the application for adopting Hamilton. It seems like such an easy first step, but it takes money and courage, something I find lacking in me daily. But we did it.
I prayed as I sealed the envelope and sent it off.
And I hesitated to write on here. We have mostly had support from people, encouraging us as we start this journey. However, there are those, those I love dearly, that think and have told us we are unwise, or selfish or should be more cautious. And honestly, I understand that, I understand the thought. I might have the thought myself.
But right now, for whatever reason, God is speaking so loudly that this is His heart, this is where we belong. Yesterday a woman shared in our Bible Study about a family getting ready to move to Haiti to live and serve with her family and small children. This woman told someone worried for their safety, that the safest place for her and her family is right in the center of God's will. Outside of where God has called us is the most dangerous place. I think she is right. I think that it is also one of the hardest things to do in this culture. To live a life that is not safe. But God never called us to live a safe life. He has called us to live a life of courage, of faith. If we live a safe life, we are not living a life that let's God do God size things.
And this is just one small thing, this adoption, of one orphan in a world with millions of orphans. Nothing glamorous, probably it will be painful and messy at times. And this might not be wise in the way the world is wise. And I am jumping full in without caution because if I thought too hard I would come up with a million reasons why to not do this, but those are the things I need to think about. The ones I do not need to think about, the ones that come right to my head, those are the reasons we should do this. God has called us to walk in faith, not fear, being doers of the Word.
Sometimes we wait for the blessings, sometimes we will wait until Heaven. Sometimes it comes with just a little reassurance. Yesterday, after putting our application for adoption in the mail, we got an email... we had an offer on our house and another one expected that day. We listed our house last May. There have been no offers. I had heard there were finally a few people interested, but on the day we took our step of faith God met us with this blessing. I am such a mess and I fail all the time, but every once in a while I take that step of faith, and I am never sorry I did. The opportunity to see God work, to see Him move mountains is something that will always draw me back toward the edge.
I prayed as I sealed the envelope and sent it off.
And I hesitated to write on here. We have mostly had support from people, encouraging us as we start this journey. However, there are those, those I love dearly, that think and have told us we are unwise, or selfish or should be more cautious. And honestly, I understand that, I understand the thought. I might have the thought myself.
But right now, for whatever reason, God is speaking so loudly that this is His heart, this is where we belong. Yesterday a woman shared in our Bible Study about a family getting ready to move to Haiti to live and serve with her family and small children. This woman told someone worried for their safety, that the safest place for her and her family is right in the center of God's will. Outside of where God has called us is the most dangerous place. I think she is right. I think that it is also one of the hardest things to do in this culture. To live a life that is not safe. But God never called us to live a safe life. He has called us to live a life of courage, of faith. If we live a safe life, we are not living a life that let's God do God size things.
And this is just one small thing, this adoption, of one orphan in a world with millions of orphans. Nothing glamorous, probably it will be painful and messy at times. And this might not be wise in the way the world is wise. And I am jumping full in without caution because if I thought too hard I would come up with a million reasons why to not do this, but those are the things I need to think about. The ones I do not need to think about, the ones that come right to my head, those are the reasons we should do this. God has called us to walk in faith, not fear, being doers of the Word.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Interruptions
Life is full of interruptions. The moment when things seem to be going smoothly, maybe even falling into place, out of nowhere it changes. Something unexpected happens or comes along and I have to choose what I am going to do.
Twice today I heard the word, "interruption."
I heard it this morning in one of those moments where you feel your face grow hot. I watched a video that asked, "Have you ever been in one of those situations where you thought there was no one else in the room, like the person is talking to just you?" I listened as she talked about following God when things do not go exactly as planned, when life is interrupted.
Then I read what Ann Voskamp wrote on "A Holy Experience" today:
I just said a few weeks ago to myself that "life" seemed to be falling into place. Life was settling down, not perfectly, but school was back in routine; friends have been established; we are aware that we are blessed. We are thankful for our blessing.
But then, two weeks ago, the stirring began again. The need to move to keep going and walking in faith. To not get too comfortable in the day to day. And the little boy I read about eight months ago kept coming to mind. I thought maybe I would just see if he was still available to adopt. He was. No one wanted him. But I did. I do. We do. We want him.
I had a dream about him two nights ago. I approach him to pick him up. He had something covering his face. I lifted it it up. And he smiled the biggest smile. I woke up overwhelmed again with love.
Interruptions do not always make sense.
To the world sometimes it will look foolish.
This adoption thing is something God has grown in my heart for years. I always wanted to adopt. But I continue to doubt, to question if now is the right time, or if we are the right people. I always come up with a reason why today is not the day - a reason to wait.
And why? Maybe we are not the ones to do it. We have four children already. There are plenty of people that want just one child. I should adopt locally, I ALWAYS thought that was what I should do. And we should wait until life is less messy.
But, God's timing and ways are perfect, and now is the time that He is moving.
I am linking up to A Holy Experience
Twice today I heard the word, "interruption."
I heard it this morning in one of those moments where you feel your face grow hot. I watched a video that asked, "Have you ever been in one of those situations where you thought there was no one else in the room, like the person is talking to just you?" I listened as she talked about following God when things do not go exactly as planned, when life is interrupted.
Then I read what Ann Voskamp wrote on "A Holy Experience" today:
"When you named Him Lord, you gave Him right to your life on His time: Every interruption is a new work order from God."
But then, two weeks ago, the stirring began again. The need to move to keep going and walking in faith. To not get too comfortable in the day to day. And the little boy I read about eight months ago kept coming to mind. I thought maybe I would just see if he was still available to adopt. He was. No one wanted him. But I did. I do. We do. We want him.
I had a dream about him two nights ago. I approach him to pick him up. He had something covering his face. I lifted it it up. And he smiled the biggest smile. I woke up overwhelmed again with love.
Interruptions do not always make sense.
To the world sometimes it will look foolish.
This adoption thing is something God has grown in my heart for years. I always wanted to adopt. But I continue to doubt, to question if now is the right time, or if we are the right people. I always come up with a reason why today is not the day - a reason to wait.
And why? Maybe we are not the ones to do it. We have four children already. There are plenty of people that want just one child. I should adopt locally, I ALWAYS thought that was what I should do. And we should wait until life is less messy.
But, God's timing and ways are perfect, and now is the time that He is moving.
I am linking up to A Holy Experience
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Steps of Faith
Sometimes saying it out loud is the scariest part. The, I am stepping out in faith, first couple of steps are the scariest. If I fail my little part of the world will know. But if I do not say it out loud, it will never happen. So, this post is a scary one and an exciting one to write. I am going to just come out and say it. We are starting the adoption process.
There is a little boy in Eastern Europe named "Hamilton" that we have fallen in love with. He is five, soon to be six, years old with some special needs. I have written a couple of times on this blog. Here is one about what breaks a mom's heart. What breaks my heart? Children that live in homes with no one to hold them. Hamilton is the person I thought of while I wrote that post. I do not know all the situations that go on in orphanages, and I know there are lots of good people who work with orphans, but I also know there are lots of kids in need.
Several months ago, I read this blog. I do not want to speak poorly or improperly about situations I do not know everything about. And I do not know Hamilton's whole story, but these stories broke my heart, and I could not close my eyes to the need. This little boy broke my heart. I could not hold my children without thinking about all these kids that need a mom to hold them.
And I am a believer in LIFE. I believe that all life is precious. I think Hamilton deserves a chance. I think we (my family) can give him a family that loves him. We told our children. We showed them this video:
And then we told them about Hamilton. They said, "We want him! We want him to be in our family!"
We told them it takes time and costs money. They said, "We will sell lemonade, have garage sales, run races, raise money however we can." Karis is giving all her birthday money to the cause. They started praying for him. They love him already. They know life will change, and they probably don't know how, but they are excited. We are too.
We are just starting the process; we are filling out the paperwork to put "Hamilton" on hold. Then there are home studies and paperwork and dossiers and more paperwork. It is a lot of work. We will need to do quite a bit of fundraising as this process costs thousands and thousands of dollars. We are putting a donate button on this blog to donate to "Hamilton's adoption fund." If you want to help with the cost, we would so appreciate it. But we also more than anything need prayers as this seems like something God alone can accomplish. Please let me know if you have any questions. We are excited to start this process and will keep you updated along the way on this blog.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Breaking the Habit of Fear...
Feet pounding, breath matching the racing of heart, eyes wide open in the dark of night, she rounds the corner. Sometimes with screams, sometimes in quiet, "I scared! Monster in my cwoset!"
Feet pounding, breath matching the racing of heart, eyes wide open in the dark of night, he comes flying through the door. He is always quiet. "I am scared! Please pray for me! Can I sleep on your floor?"
Feet pounding, breath matching the racing of heart, eyes wide open in the dark of night, she comes through the door and stands over me staring until I am startled by a person standing over me. "Mom, I am scared. I think I am going to be sick. Can I sleep on your floor?"
This has become the habit in my house. I am sure they all started for good reasons - sickness that made it hard to sleep on her own or a scary movie he watched. Maybe it is a wild imagination. Whatever it is, it happens every single night. And I cannot stand it. It is exhausting to be woken up at least three times (that is, if I cave and agree to their demands - my bed, my floor). If I am firm and send them back to their beds, it might be up to ten wake ups.
I am desperate for sleep. And all I can think is that these kids have a habit of fear. There is nothing that they have to be afraid of. Nothing bad has happened. We have been careful about shows they watch since this started. But somewhere along the line they embraced fear. I do not know if it is intentional, but it is happening. And I need to figure out how this is going to change. We talk before bed about plans, but all are resolved, "If I really need you, then I NEED you!" and "If I am sick what would you do?"
So the plan of action is verses. I am working on some verses for them to memorize, so instead of immediately running to me when fear strikes, they can cling to God's promises. Because, the only one who can make the 100% guarantee of protection is God. I can give it the best I can: "I am sure it is more likely you will get struck by lightning in the house then someone breaking in to steal you." Or "If you do throw up, I will pay you five dollars, tell you I love you and send you back to bed." Those are the best guarantees I can give. But God, God can make promises, not that everything will be perfect, but that He will never leave them.
So we are going to work on one verse at a time. The one we will say now and work on in the light of day and in the dark of night is this one:
"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone O Lord, make me dwell in safety." (Psalm 4:8)
I will learn it too, so when the feet are pounding and breath is matching racing hearts and little ones come in my room in the middle of night, I can whisper it to them and walk them back to their beds. We can work together on the breaking of a a habit of fear.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Five Minute Friday... Opportunity
Five Minute Friday is when you spend five minutes writing on a word (Lisa Jo Baker gives a word each Friday) and lots of people write their thoughts on that one word. The Rules are... you write for five minutes without editing, and then publish it. And then you absolutely comment on the person before you who wrote. So here is today's...
Opportunity
Start
The moments that we might let pass by, missing in a moment an opportunity. An opportunity to hold a child who is getting to old to always let me hold her because she is hurting over something. She pushes her eyes in hoping she will hold in the tears, and I hold her close hoping she will let them fall. I hope I will have an opportunity to hold her again while she is still small enough for me to do it. I put down my coffee and just hold her for a minute, hoping this will not pass.
I am always looking for an opportunity, a break, but then I miss the little ones here. The ones when questions are asked from no where, "Mom, have you ever had a friend that is not your friend anymore?" Brush it off or stop and talk? Make room for words that might impact a child, fears or hopes at that moment. I missed that opportunity, I kept talking trying to keep it light. But I have thought of the question since then and hope I get a chance to go back there.
Opportunity in my life is usually a moment not some big event. It is usually a little thing that could make a big difference in the little worlds I live in .
Stop
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