Here we go....

I am completely aware, that I always "over do it." I always try to make everything home-made and perfect. It usually ends up home-made never perfect and sometimes on desperate occassions from a plastic grocery store container. I have not gotten over the shame of not doing everything myself. And I am not exactly sure where I get this from, because it is COMPLETELY NOT my upbringing. I have a great mom, she knows how to do a lot, she just never made herself do everything, and we NEVER had people over. Somehow, I got wired to want to have people over, but then to have to also make everything perfect. To the point that I drive myself crazy! So this week starts a week of projects: sewing my baby girl's baptism dress, knitting a sweater and hat and some cute hand mitteny type things for myself, that is all, and a week? With homeschooling, extra meetings, teaching a couple of classes at our co-op, I am sure I have time! I will try to add at least pictures as the journey starts. Warning: My hair may be crazy all the time and my house will probably be a mess in the background, but hopefully by next weekend I will have it all done and a little time to clean!

Books, Books and more books

If you noticed in my little "about me" section, I read OBSESSIVELY. It is a bit of a problem, a compulsion. Once I get into a book it is difficult for me to do anything else including sleep or eat. (I do make sure my kids eat and sleep though- I am not completely useless)
I am currently reading: Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
Let the Great World Spin by Colum McCann
Just Finished Reading: Her Mother's Hope by Francine Rivers
Want to Read: Her Daughter's Dream by Francine Rivers
The Help
... and all Time Favorite Books: The Book Thief
Mark of the Lion Series by Francine Rivers
Twilight Series
The Other Boleyn Girl
My Sister's Keeper

Running Journey, Part 2

So, I had become a "need to" runner. BUT I still ran a 10 minute mile. Until the day I met Chris, well at least I think that was his name. (obviously an influential individual in my life.) Rumor was that he had been a body guard for the spice girls and I think an interior designer. My friend and I had been training ourselves for a triathlon and needed some open water experience. We had heard of this group that got together at the lake to swim during the week, and since we thought that was illegal, we decided maybe going with a group would make it less illegal? Anyways, we talked to him to see if we could just show up and swim with them, since the race was just two weeks away and they had been training all summer. He said, "why don't you join our group?" (with a strong british accent.) They let us pay for just the next 4 training sessions- $20, we went for it. And it was worth it. He believed for some odd reason that even though I ran 10 minute miles, that I could run an 8 minute mile. He taught me the importance of speed training in both my swim and my run. And after two weeks of training I faced the race with mostly fear and a little confidence. After a 1/2 mile swim and an 18 mile bike, I ran the 5 miles to the finish line in 42 minutes, just over 8 minute miles, nowhere near 10 minute miles. And suddenly I wasn't just addicted to running I was addicted to becoming a better runner. So, now another 25k later and another triathlon later and one more precious little girl later, I am facing my goal. I want to run Chicago next year. And maybe even with 8 minute miles?!?!? We will see...

Running Journey, Part 1

I guess after 15 years of running, I finally consider myself a runner. And since running is one of the few things I have actually followed through on in my life, why not write about it. Many, well lets say most people think I am insane. I LOVE to run. It is not just an "I ate two pieces of cake last night" or a "my jeans are getting a little snug" type thing. It is not even my hypochondriacal mind telling me that if I don't run my arteries will clog and I will die. It is a NEED. Kind of a silly need because growing up I could not run a mile. I can remember dreading that test in gym class and for many years getting out if it because I had asthma. I was "excused" from running. Then one year my mom must have forgotten to write the note or it came on the wrong day, because I had to run. And I still remember I ran it in like 14 minutes and my face was beat red the entire rest of the day. But somewhere deep down inside there was this sense of pride, that I actually ran a mile, I had been given the excuse my entire life that I could not run. And then my dad, who has never really given me any great advice came up with this one little golden nugget. He said, "your lungs are like any other muscle, if you exercise them, they will get stronger." Apparently he had heard that loose quote from some former president of the United States, and well it stuck with me. It stuck with me until college, when I started to run. It started with a sneaking off to a street behind campus where no one could actually see me run, a block, and then sneaking back to my dorm room. I soon was able to run 2 miles, then 3 pretty comfortably. I got set in my pace of 10 minute miles. I ran for 30 minutes almost every day in college. And after college, I found my running routes wherever we moved, marked out 3 miles and ran. Then one day I found myself some running partners and we decided to train for a race, my third child was one month old when I started training, and he was 5 months, when I ran my first 25K and my running life changed to a NEED...my running journey to be continued

Thankfulness

Well, I am starting to try to be thankful. Changing from an "I deserve" to a "thankful" And I am thankful. I am thankful that I have a reason to be really, really tired... I have a family that loves me. I am blessed with four beautiful children. I get to spend all day with my children. I have a husband who works really hard. I have a house that I need to clean. I have legs that let me run. I can smell and taste coffee. And in the middle of a really, really sometimes overwhelming always crazy day that I may want to quit. Instead of feeling like I need to reward myself, I am going to work on being thankful for what I do have.

Contentment

I am determined to teach my kids contentment. But why is it so hard? Probably because they see the restlessness in my spirit. So, I guess I am starting with teaching myself contentment. I have always felt my husband and I live pretty simply. Given "pretty simple" does not even always allow for our bills to be paid, but I honestly do not sometimes know where to give up things. We have basic cable, and this is the first time in 10 years we have paid for cable. We have internet, but eveyone has internet. We have cell phones, but dont text on them or go online, it is a simple plan. We need air conditioning and heat. And lets face it when the baby has not slept through the night in forever and I was up til 2 in the morning and I have to face grocery shopping with all four kids, successfully homeschooling, make lunch, do laundry, figure out babysitting for tonight, etc. I do deserve a grande nonfat no whip mocha from Starbucks. That is not extravagant living, that is living with just needs. Right? I am kidding myself I know. I just read this book, Winter Garden, by Kristin Hannah. The book in part describes the life in Russia during Stalin's rule, and all I can say to myself is, "you have no idea how good you have it."
And then I hear the complaints from my children, always wanting there to be something fun about the day. "Can we have a special lunch?" "Are we getting donuts at the grocery store?" "Can we order pizza and watch a movie tonight?" "Can we have a picnic in front of the TV tonight?" "Can I just buy this little sticker book? PLEASE!!!" And not surprising most of these things come with the expectation that I will say Yes. Because I constantly am rewarding myself or giving myself treats. It is how I make it through my day. But what happened to hard work? Now I do work hard, but does that mean I should be rewarded for it, shouldn't I just work hard for the sake of working hard? Isn't that how I was created? To work? I am disturbed by my need to entertain, treat, reward myself for every one of my accomplishments. And I am more disturbed how I am passing this on to my children. So I am starting with myself. In giving up my "treats" and "rewards" for hard work. And trying to be thankful that I have work to do, that I have four children to care for and a house that needs cleaning.I am attempting to turn my "deserving" heart into a "thankful" heart in hopes that my children might see and maybe a change of heart as well.

Manic Monday

Mondays are crazy for every reason under the sun. But there has to be one, right? There has to be a day that starts the week, that changes how we were living in complete relaxing bliss to utter chaos. That is kind of how I look at Mondays. Sundays, we go to church and then watch football. I used to work on Sundays, but now I am home with my family. And it is complete bliss (that may be an overstatement) But it is nice.
And then all of a sudden out of nowhere comes Monday, I have to run, because if I don't run on Monday, I may not run all week. I will just keep telling myself, "I haven't run yet, why start now." So I go for my 4 mile run. Then I eat breakfast while nursing my two month old, try to get her down for an early morning nap to start homeschooling my 3rd grader and kindergartener while my two year old just throws things. That is not ALL he does, but it is what sticks out because I think it is so weird, why do you have to throw everything? Maybe it is because he is my only boy. Anyways, I try to keep him happy while working with my kindergartener on reading and my third grader on math, reading, spelling, etc. My third grader hates reading, and this is the first year I am starting to wonder if maybe she has some sort of reading disability, like dyslexia, so I am trying new reading exercises with her. And all I want is for them to be brave, wise, humble, intelligent members of society with a little bit of a sense of humor when they grow up, and that is what I am shooting for. But usually I settle for "made it through" members of society. The kind that just get by, because that is all I see. I dont want them to be just "made it through" but sometimes in the middle, maybe I can't really see the whole picture. And then today, BREAKTHROUGH and it even happened on a Monday. My third grader insisted on reading the entire first chapter of Genesis. And she did it beautifully. So I guess I am ready for Tuesday... well after visit with friends, gymnastics, meeting and planning for the rest of the week.