A few thoughts on the past year…

I have said all too cryptically over the past month and year how hard life has been. And I guess I still have to just stay there in the abstract. But, there have been moments when I wanted to shout it, in all its ugliness, I have wanted to point fingers and hurt others because I am hurt. And one of the hard and sad things I learned is that “hurt people, hurt people.” I have wanted to somehow make things better by making things worse for others hoping somehow it would make me feel better. But over months and weeks and days, a lot of that has started to change. And I have looked back on the year.

I wrote my last post on my little boy, it has been a year, and he has come a long way! And honestly, I think we all have.

So here are ten things I have learned this year…some I have been learning for quite a while, but they have really struck home this year.

      1. To remember the good. I heard it on the radio a few months ago. It was this woman talking about when her husband did something that upset her, like coming home from work late, before she reacted she remembered all the good things he had done. She was keeping a record, but of the good things, not the bad, so when it came time to react she stopped and gave grace. I want to keep record of those in my life, to remember the good, to not stop at the mistakes, and to be kind.

   

     2.   I have learned that what my mom and all moms always say is true, “If you have nothing nice to say, do not say anything at all.” I rarely have walked away from a conversation wishing I had said more, but frequently walked away wishing I had said so much less. I still sometimes write apologies to those I have said too much to, but am doing it a little less as the year moves on.

    

     3.    There is no one way to be a perfect mom. As soon as I have figured it all out, I have to see I do not have anything really figured out and every day is a day to learn something new or try it another way because it just is not working the way I thought it should or it did last time.

    

      4.     I have learned that forgiveness is something you might have to wake up and do every. single. day. And sometimes that is discouraging, but it is worth it. And it gets easier with time.

      5.      I have learned that love is a choice, not every day, but some days, and that joy is a choice, not every day, but some days.

      6.      I have learned that being angry is okay. It does not mean the world will fall apart. And in a more scientific way, until I actually say I am angry and deal with it and grief, I will never be okay.

     

      7.   Nothing is certain. After three job losses that were supposed to be permanent, or I hoped for permanent over the past years. Cancer diagnosis. Moves around the country. And family members that are really sick. I have learned that life is full of uncertainty, and have been reminded that this world is only temporary.

     8.      I read a book this year, The Scent of Holiness, by Constantina Palmer. I learned a lot from it, but one that has stuck with me in these moments, when I want to hear what is happening, to hear gossip, to hear something that takes my mind off me and focuses on how someone else is hurting, it is SO not helpful. And usually all it causes is more hurt and anger. I am learning to wait in those moments, to just wait.

     9.      And I learned I need to listen. I learned that I err on the side of busy and getting done instead of listening. It is often in the second try that I figure it out. But there are hearts and little voices worth hearing, so much more than bathrooms that need cleaning, or emails that need checking.

     10.  I learned what friendship looks like. And unfortunately what it does not look like. But thankfully, there are amazing people in the world who love selflessly and with such compassion. I have been blessed by some of these amazing people who are okay with messy and crying, and who still make me laugh and want the best for me. I want to be like them.

I still have a lot of learning to do and there is a long journey ahead, but I hold onto hope that even in this year, we are being refined and that we will be okay. 

Home One Year... You have come a long way baby!

One year ago, on May 7th, 2014, my mom and I were in Eastern Europe picking up a little boy from an orphanage. The responsibility of that was not lost on me. When we traveled five months earlier to meet this little boy, we cried, terrified that we would never be able to meet his needs, they were just too great. But our hearts also knew that he would probably die. He was starving. I have heard many people say we probably saved his life. There was nothing heroic about it though. We just knew we could not stand before our God one day and say we left him there to die. It was more fear than any heroism. When we got there in November it was just a lot of overwhelming, because he was a shell of a person. He sat and stared at his fingers, he rocked and did what we asked, but very unwillingly. We spent about four hours each day just there with him, holding his hand, feeding him a banana, and waiting for the hours to end because it was hard. I hated that it was hard. I hated that I was scared and overwhelmed. But we just knew we had to bring him home. We were told he was fed five meals a day and on medication for an overactive thyroid, that they did everything to make him gain weight, but because he was disabled, he could not gain weight. So, we wondered if it was true, questioned it, but also knew if it was true he at least deserved a family to love him while he lived, because surely no one can live long at twenty pounds. So in faith and fear we stepped forward.

Five months later I went back with my mom. It was in the middle of one of the biggest trials of my life. It seemed in the months and weeks leading up to our pick up trip that we were going to face every obstacle possible. And a year later it has not ended. Sometimes I wonder if it has been a mixed blessing. Because the difficult things that come with adoption have paled in comparison to the rest of my life.

BUT, that day,one year ago, I walked into that orphanage and wondered if he would remember me, his mom. I had told him I would come back. He did not recognize me. But then they told him, "It's your mom, she came to bring you home." His tears stopped. He looked around the room. He climbed off my lap. He went to my backpack, he looked at me, he signed, "more." He remembered me. Every day we came in November we brought a little food, and we taught him the sign for "more." He remembered me and the sign and he backpack and that I brought food! And hope filled me. That empty shell, held a little boy holding on to hope.  This picture shows him right after he signed more and I was giving him his banana. I asked if I could, they said, you are his mom, you can give him what you want. It was so hard to comprehend, the responsibility of taking care of this fragile little boy.  It was a lot for me to wrap my head around.

This is a picture of us leaving the orphanage...

And this is a picture of him the day after we picked him up. I hated this picture, I did not even want to take it because he was just. too. small. But I wanted to remember. He weighed twenty pounds. I believe a lot of that was in his head. I cried when I saw him like this, how can someone be seven years old and weigh twenty pounds, how do you survive. But he did, he survived. 

And now he is THRIVING! It has been one year. He now weighs forty six pounds. He has gained twenty six pounds in one year. He has grown six inches. I had to rubber band eighteen month clothes around his waist, now he fits in size 4T. He is actually a little bit chubby. He has learned some sign language. He is working on talking. He can say mama. We have worked so long for that. He makes many more letter sounds and says, "Ok" "Hi" "Hot" "WOW" and many more "words" that we think we hear. He understands and follows directions. He makes HUGE messes and tries to help clean up. He eats a lot. He laughs and cries. He gets angry and likes to joke around. Just today he chased his four year old sister to tickle her and then hugged her. He is learning to play. He pretends to do school and asks for help on his "lessons." One of his favorite things in the world is church. He loves going to church. His favorite T.V. show is "Good Eats." He says "UGGHH" when I ask him to do something he does not want to do, or covers his ears and says, "NANANANA" so he does not have to hear me. He is working on potty training, and loves to say, "thank you." and give me five when he does something right. He loves to sing, and often "sings" along to songs that are familiar. And when he hears a song he knows he gets really excited! He has opinions about what he wears and his shoes, he loves to wear moon boots even in the heat, I think because they are easy to put on. Whenever he leaves without his brother and sisters, he makes sure to give everyone a hug and kiss goodbye. He hates to be left out. He always wants to be with his family. We are still learning how to be a family, what that looks like. He amazes me and makes me want to pull out my hair almost every day. It is amazing the change of one year!

These were taken just days after coming home...

Home two months...

Home 6 months.....

Home 9 months....

Home 1 Year....

You probably would not even know he was the same kid, the shell of a boy we met in November of 2013, the little boy I met last year who only wanted to eat and sleep. He now hugs and kisses me, tells me "no." and acts like most of my other children. We have a long ways to go. And there is a lot of hard, but he has come a long, long way. And we are so thankful he is our son! 

When we were waiting for him, before ever meeting him, I had a dream about him at 15 years old. He was sitting at our kitchen counter laughing and smiling about something. There are glimpses of that young man now in the Bozhi that I know today! 

I tell him every day how happy I am I get to be his mommy and how happy I am that he is my son! He is a blessing!

Happy 10th Birthday Karis Rose!

Today my sweet Karis turns 10!

Dear sweet Karis,

Ten years ago you made me a mom again! My sweet Valentine! You came into this world a week early, already doing things on your terms. You have challenged me every day of your life, stretching me to become a better person. Motherhood has a way of doing that, but especially when you are mothering a child so much like yourself. I have learned this year how much like me you are. I see all your struggles and feel them so much because I know exactly how it feels. I know what it is like to want to find out who you are, and have no idea how to do that or figure out who that is. And just to love so much and want to be loved. Your heart is beautiful.

This year you have faced all the changes of our family with grace and a few tears. But mostly just words of encouragement. Encouraging me and letting me know you were okay. You have embraced your new brother with kindness and compassion. You have in many ways found your place in our new home, but in others you are still finding it.

We moved to Kentucky, and you were SO EXCITED to be moving to the Horse Capital of the World. And then we went weeks without seeing a horse and you lamented. But we finally found some lessons. And you have ridden and you are really good at it. You are brave.You have courage to ask for things that I would not think of. You dream big. You have made friends. You love making movies with your siblings. And you love to help with the little kids at church. It is most Sundays that I find you holding a baby in one arm while eating lunch with the other in the basement at church. I love your heart. And I love your smile. You have become more beautiful with each year.

I am SO proud to be your mom. I love you Karis Rose!

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday Bozhidar!

Today you turn 8! And we get to celebrate.

For the past week your sisters and brother have told you your birthday is coming. That you will get cake and macaroni and cheese and presents. They have said it so often now, that you get so excited! You clench your hands and shake squealing with delight that your birthday is COMING! And it is finally here. I have no idea if you know what it means. But you DO know that it is a day to celebrate.

There is some sadness in my heart thinking about your birth mom and all the birthdays she has missed. Does she think of you on this day? Does she wonder about you?

I wish I could tell her you are doing amazing!

I would tell her about today. Today you got the iPad. We found you in your bedroom making a movie by. your. self. It was a movie of you showing us your stuffed animals. You then shut the door got your toy computer, looked at the camera and said, "uh-uh." Which we all know means, do not touch this, it is mine! Then David comes bursting through the door and you start laughing hysterically.

And then I would tell her what happened at lunch today. Today, you went in the kitchen, picked out what you wanted, put it on the counter, got a bowl and a pan for me to cook it in and a spoon. When I came into the kitchen you pointed at it, the pan, the bowl and your mouth.

Last year I wrote this post. It was a "Happy Birthday." I missed you.

And this is the picture that we saw two years ago. The one where we said, "He is a Jacobs."

This was our first visit.... you were SO tiny!

I had NO IDEA then what this year would bring. I am kind of thankful. I could not have handled knowing that just in the middle of bringing you home my husband, your dad, would be diagnosed with cancer, we would lose our job and move to a whole different part of the country, and we would continue to wait to see if there is a job for next year. I did not know then, that my entire world would flip upside down and I would have to figure out how to be a good mom to you in the middle of it all.

But you have handled life with us, the unknown and change, every step, you have handled in stride. We have figured it out together, all of us. And you continue to learn and grow. You have amazed me. You make us laugh AND want to pull out our hair every day. You wrestle with your siblings and give them hugs and affection. Just like a brother should.

David says, "The BEST brother ever..."

Nine months ago, all I wanted was for you to learn to play. Now, you play so well. You cook and you pretend. If the kids are playing without you, you have to go find what they are doing. You never want to be left out.

You communicate without words, almost too well. My favorite is when you pretend to look at your watch to say you think it is time to go. I have NO idea where you got it from. None of us wear watches. But you do it. We understand. And it makes me smile every time. You understand everything we say. You are thankful and helpful.

Your laugh is irresistible.

Your favorite thing to do is to pray. And eat!

I am a better person because you are in my world. I am so happy we get to celebrate this birthday with you! You, my sweet boy, are a blessing!

And a  new haircut! Happy 8th Birthday Bozhi! We love you!

David Turns 7!

Today, my David turns seven! I cannot believe it has been seven years! He is one of my favorite people in the whole world. He is kind and gentle hearted. He is brave and strong. He makes everyone laugh. And if you could make joy into a person, I think it would look a whole lot like this boy!

Some of my favorite David memories include:

David telling his grandma how beautiful her hands are, I wrote the story here....

One of my favorite moments was a day when I was scared to get out of the car. We were visiting a farm and there were a couple of dogs surrounding our car. I was scared. I am unnaturally afraid of dogs after a couple of unfortunate run-ins with dogs on my runs. I had no idea what to do. David stood up and started walking toward the door, "I guess it is time to face my destiny." He declared. What a hero. I told him to sit down though and called the owner of the farm to see if they were friendly. He told me they were fine.

His sister has been known to say, "Have you spent time with this boy? You really should, he is so much fun."

He gets along with all of his siblings. And especially his new brother. He often tells Bozhi that he is "awesome" and that they are the best brothers ever!

The other day our family was going to stay home from church because we had a bit of a rubella scare that turned into absolutely nothing, but to keep our germs to ourselves we stayed home. David was in the clear though. So he was going to go with his daddy. But he did not want to, he likes going with his whole family.

His sisters are his best friends.

And his favorite song these days is "Chicken Fried" by Zach Brown Band.

I love this boy to the moon and back and so thankful I get to be his mom!

6 months....

Six Months ago tomorrow... I walked into the orphanage to hold our son and bring him home.

I am SO thankful this little boy is in our family. But every time he makes a milestone I am angry. Angry that for years "they" just said, "He can't" He can't gain weight, he can't talk, he needs help walking. Because he can do all those things. He is not talking yet, but he is making new sounds all the time. And even if Bozhi never speaks, he is learning to communicate. To talk through sign language. He now signs, "Thank You." "More." "Sorry." "All Done." "No" "Please" "Help" "Potty" "Eat" and his own signs, "Time to eat." and a choking sound that means I am thirsty. He says, "owie" and "hot" and we frequently hear him saying "ttttttt" He also is learning what cold weather feels like, whenever he steps outside in the cold he says, "BRRRRR..." and pulls his sleeves down to cover his hands. He sometimes rubs his hands together when he is cold too. Bozhidar has amazed me.

Last week, we visited a new bookstore. Somehow Bozhidar knew that he should ask for EVERYTHING! First, he got to ride on an escalator. He giggled the entire way down and kept trying to get back on. He then found a ball that he loved and picked it up and pointed to himself. He was asking me to buy it for him. I had a hard time saying "no." Has anyone just bought him what he wanted before? I put it back in the bin. I have five kids, I cannot buy them all what they want. He went and got the ball again. A blue one with stars. He hugged it and put it to his cheek. He loved that ball. I agreed to buy him the ball. The other kids understood. He asked for about twenty other things, but in the end the ball was what he really, really wanted.

He loves to help his dad make coffee in the morning. He empties the dishwasher and wipes the tables. He scrapes his plates into the garbage and loves to boss everyone around.

The other day Verity woke up and ran out of her bed, "Bozhidar! I am so glad you are my brother." A few days later she said "I hate having a little brother." It is not perfect. But it is a family.

And he weighs forty pounds. He has gained twenty pounds in six months. He has doubled his weight. He is four inches taller. And he needs new shoes AGAIN!

Superman for Halloween seems appropriate!

And I asked if I could take his picture... he would not do it without someone with him. First Karis

Then David, but he just wanted to kiss him and then tackle him. 

They are good brothers!

We went to an apple orchard yesterday.

and he reinacted Titanic...

and took over a pirate ship

He is a blessing. We are so thankful to have him in our family!

3 months...

Three months ago yesterday we picked up this tiny boy from his orphanage. He remembered me from five months ago when Nathan and I brought him bananas every day. He looked at me when he was told, "It's your mom!" And he signed "more." We had taught it to him five.months.ago.

You read all these books on parenting and adoption. Prepare for the hard times. Think you are ready and then you go and meet them to be yours forever. And the things that you thought would be hard are not that hard and the things you thought you could do are SO hard.

Bozhi, was so skinny, changing his diaper brought tears to my eyes. It was painful to look at him. We were told it was because he was disabled. Three months later, 12 pounds later and two inches taller, I think they were wrong. He has outgrown the first two pairs of shoes I have bought him.

I was prepared to not attach, to have him not attach to me. It is different with someone who cannot communicate. But since the day in the apartment in Sofia when he leaned over and unexpectedly kissed me, this boy has known, I am his mom. His affection is actually overwhelming at times. He wants all of my attention. He even knows when I am having a hard day and will put his hand on my face. He has empathy for others. When his brother got hurt the other day he kissed him and put his hand on his back to hug him. How does this child know that. He offers part of his food to others and loves to share his food, especially what he does not like.

He is still learning to play. He got very excited about legos this morning. But often just wants a job to do. Find some garbage to throw away or dishes to put away and he is on it. He knows where everything goes.

He remembers the names of people very quickly. If you ask him to bring something to so and so, he knows exactly what you are asking.

He understands almost everything I tell him and when he wants something he tells me. By getting his shoes (go somewhere); pointing at his mouth (eat); pointing at his diaper (I have to go potty... yes he is going potty several tiimes a day); hand on his head means he is tired; taking off all his clothes and going to the bathroom means give me a bath.

He loves the waterslide at the pool and anything wild. He hates just sitting at the pool. If he sits too long he goes and gets his clothes and puts them on.

Yesterday he picked out his own outfit and got himself dressed.

He is extremely opinionated. He will only wear shirts with collars and khaki pants/jeans or shorts. He will not wear sweatpants. We call him Mr. Handsome. It drives us all a little crazy.

He wants to get his drink HIMSELF. Which thirsty is signaled with a fake cough. But he cannot reach the sink, so he really wants you to lift him up so he can do it.

The other day he started clearing plates at the little cafe in town for other tables. Thankfully they were done and very accomadating.

He shakes hands with everyone he meets. But if someone gets too close or invades his space, he screams louder than anyone I know.

His brother had me write the other day, "David and Bozhi, best brothers ever." His sisters think he is the cutest thing ever and they help him as much as he lets them.

His laugh is contagious.

He is still sad if he is left behind and greets me with almost a run and arms up when I get home.

We start his therapy this week.

It has been three months. We are still finding routine. But most days I am kind of in awe at this little survivor, who is not so little anymore.

He is part of a crazy family that loves him.