A bit of a repeat that came with a Warning-- this post is still a little Sappy!

This time of year I am full of thankfulness. I love fall and cooler weather, although it is taking longer to get here in Arkansas, than back in Wisconsin. But I also get to celebrate two of my favorite people. Monday was Anya's birthday and today, Nathan! Eleven years ago, we came home from the hospital, on his birthday. It was my present to him, his first baby girl, and I have never been able to top it.

Each year though, I have fallen more in love with this man! He is amazing and funny and smart! Last year I wrote a post that described my love for him so well, that I am going to repost it, but add on one more "I Love" for the one more year of life I have had with him!

This year has been crazy and life even crazier, but there is no one I would rather spend my crazy life with than you, Nathan Jacobs!

So here is my post from last year... (it still applies, even more)

Sometimes I hold my breath, trying to change the rhythm. Breathing on cue; I panic because suddenly, it does not work like it is supposed to. I feel like I am drowning and I can not breathe. Or, I stop blinking and then try to start and it is hard to see because every blink is an effort, and I wonder maybe this is what my life will be like forever, the effort of breathing and blinking. But then in the middle of all my work I realize I am doing it on my own again. This is not a habit or something I learned. It is part of who I am. I am alive; breathing, blinking alive. And somehow or time or where that is what happened to my heart, with you.

If I tried to stop loving you, to start a different rhythm, I would feel like I was going to die. Because my heart is not in the habit of loving you. My love for you has become a part of who I am. My love for you is just like breathing and blinking, it is part my living. The kind of love that when things go wrong, I start to panic, because my heart is off. I work to make it right, I try to make my heart beat right. But then, I realize in the midst that my heart is right back to where it is supposed to be. It knows you so completely, the rhythm of you.

And, today we are celebrating YOU, my love. Your day! Today I get to celebrate what an amazing man I love with all my heart.

In honor of 35 36 years of life, here are thirty six things I love about you!

I LOVE
1.That for twenty one days you officially get to be one year older than me.

I LOVE
2. Your laugh

I LOVE
3. Your smile

AND I LOVE....
4. That you always put our family first.
5. You care about the hearts of our children
6. Your eyes
7. That you can make up something to eat in the kitchen from WHATEVER is available...
8. and that you always let the kids help
9. That you work hard
10. Watching you paint
11. Watching you hold our children for the first time.
12. Watching you hold our children as they have grown.
13. Going for walks with you
14. Going on adventures with you
15. When you make up stories
16. That you always stop for people on the side of the road
17. You do not get mad when I call you just because I need to
18. That you hate to fight as much as I do
19. That you support most of my crazy plans
20. That you go camping with me even though you hate it...
21. That when I realize camping is not as much fun as an adult and whine a lot you still go camping with me again in case it is going to get better.
22. What you believe
23. Your passion for what you believe
24. That you have full faith in me in crisis situations, most husbands might run to the rescue when their wife is lost in the dark and rain, but you with full confidence just ask me to call when I am safe:)
25. Holding your hand
26. Seeing you live your dreams
27. Sharing our dreams with each other
28. That you cry when you think about our kids growing  up
29. Laughing with you
30. Kissing you
31. That I can trust you completely.
32. Playing Ticket to Ride with you....
33. That you understand that I cry when I lose at Ticket to Ride or any game for that matter
34. Your faith
35. That my love for you is part of who I am
36. That our hearts break for the very same thing.

Happy Birthday to Anya!

It has been another year...

My sweet Anya, today, you turn eleven! I can hardly imagine you are that old, but I can also not imagine that I had a world, a life before you were ever a part of it. I think of you and think of our song, the one I sang when you were little...

dance with me Anastasia Grace and we will go to a faraway place...

Oh the adventures we have had and the places we have been since those days I sang you that song. I remember it so clearly in your grandparents living room, in the late night before we moved across the country, ready to start a new adventure in life. I sang to you, and you quieted and slept, so sure that I could take care of you, me, not so sure. But I was ever so sure to try.

Now eleven years later, we have been a lot of places and you are starting to have adventures of your own. You are learning to play the flute and volleyball. You play with the fierceness that you have taken on all of your life. Often in tears because you cannot do it just right. But you do not stop, you keep working and trying and you make it, you get better, you play the song all the way through. I admire you for your drive. I am so proud of the girl you are and look forward to the girl you are becoming.

You are a great friend and sister! You are smart, determined, creative, thoughtful, kind, generous, sweet and so much fun. You are beautiful inside and out, and I am so thankful that you are my daughter!

Happy Birthday my sweet girl!

Adopt Together

Really quick and short...

Today we were approved to be apart of adopt together. This is a crowd fundraising site that allows donors to donate to a non profit organization that is then tax deductible. You can designate donations to our family, if you are interested in doing this, at this website... https://www.adopttogether.org/00614. You can still donate on this site, but it is not tax deductible. Anyone that donates over $10 in these two months leading up to my race again will be put on my shirt for the race to bring Hami Home! And everyone over the past seven months and months to go giving more than $5 will be put on our signature quilt we are giving Hami when he gets home, to let him know all the people who cared enough to bring him here. Since Saturday, we have received over $1000.00 in donations, we are SO, SO thankful!!!

Another Update

A week and a half ago I called again to ask if they had ANY updates on our I800A, the last document we need approved for our dossier to be complete. They said,"No, you have not been assigned an officer yet." An officer is what you need to get an adopotion application approved, and we still did not have one. Last Friday, I called back and they said, "Congratulations, you got approved today!" "Your letter should come next week." So, we are approved. Once we get this document in the mail, we will have to have it notarized and apostilled and then our dossier will be complete. The rest is already in Eastern Europe being translated.

The committee that meets for International Adoptions was meeting on September 4th. I knew this document would not be there in time. I was okay with this; there was nothing I could do. I waited. Tuesday the document did not come. Wednesday it did not come. I was sure it should have by Wednesday. I began to wonder if they had made a mistake. What if we really were not approved? I was so disappointed on Wednesday.

Thursday the 5th I woke up, and in my facebook group I saw that the committee had not met. They had postponed their meeting a couple of weeks. If the document had come Tuesday or Wednesday, I would have mailed it to our Secretary of State; but if I had done that, there would be no guarantee it would make it to our agency and then on to Eastern Europe in time. BUT it had not come, not until after the meeting had been delayed. I asked my case worker if it arrived before the postponed meeting, would the committee review it? She said, "Maybe." So, I moved out on a maybe, since maybe is better than impossible.

I called some great college girls who have offered to watch our children when we need them. They worked out their schedules and came for the entire day on Friday. I once again made the four hour trip to Little Rock to have this last document apostilled. They remembered me, the crazy lady who drives hours for documents. They apostilled it in fifteen minutes. It was in the mail ten minutes later, and it will be at our adoption agency Monday, ready to go to Bulgaria and maybe in time for the postponed committee meeting. I drove four hours home again.

There is no guarantee that the committee will review our dossier at this meeting, but there is a chance. We are praying they do. We would appreciate it if others pray with us. Once we get our referral, a few weeks later we will go and meet our little man in Eastern Europe.

So, what now? While we wait we are going to fundraise like crazy. Now that we are through these stages, we will apply for grants and keep asking and trusting. We have raised $17,494 toward our goal, which is amazing. We are over half way there. It will take another $14,000-17,000 to bring Hamilton home. I am putting the "Cost of Adoption" bit below to show where we are and what we have left.

Here it goes.

Application $500-$700 (paid)
Homestudy $1000- $3000 (paid)
Country Fees $5000-$10000 ($2600 paid--$8000 left)
Agency Fee $6000- $8000 (paid)
Post-Adoption $300-$1000
Adoption Education Courses $50-$150 (paid)_
United States Citizenship/Immigration Filing Fee $740 (paid)
Fingerprinting (2) $84 (paid)
Passports (2) $270 (paid)
Notarizing $500 (so far we have someone who does this for free! Yeah!)-- although this Apostilling thing probably goes in here and it costs $2-$10/document/everything needs to be apostilled  (paid)
2 round trip airfares for two adults $4000-6000 (estimate)
Child's one way airfare (I can't wait til we get to get this!) $500-1000 (estimate)
In country lodging/meals $1000-3000 (complete estimate)
Medical for Child's visa $100
Child's US Visa $230
Incidentals $500 (just an estimate again!)

Just for real numbers before our first trip, the country fee and the cost of travel is approximately $8,000-$9000.

I am training for my first marathon. I am registered for the St. Louis Rock-n-Roll marathon October 27th. Often when I run I think of this little boy who cannot run, who spends his days not running or playing. It makes me run more. And, I would love to run this marathon for him. If you would like to donate $10 or more, I will put your name on a shirt that I am planning to wear for the race. The shirt will have Hami's picture, and will say I am running to bring Hami home. It will have on it all the names of those joining with me to bring him home.

We are also applying for grants and working on getting some other things together to help fundraise. We are also continuing to keep names to put on a quilt for Hami. Anyone who has given $5 or more will be named on a signature quilt for Hamilton when he arrives home.

If you have any questions, please let us know! If you want to donate, you can click on the donate button on this blog.

An Adoption Update!

A little over a month ago, we sent off our paperwork to be apostilled. This means our paperwork that was notarized at the county level is now made official at a state level. I mailed it while on our trip and had the return envelope go back to my mom's so while we were visiting family this summer I could still be working on adoption stuff. I mailed the paperwork off on July 3rd. By the end of the next week the envelope had been returned with a rejection letter. Our notary had not properly worded the documents, which were random documents, like copies of passports, applications to the country, etc. These documents did not have a place for the notary to swear by etc. and date with the place. So she signed, stamped and dated. BUT apparently more was needed. And now I was stuck. We were ten hours from our notary and Nathan and I were not even together, so we could not redo all this paperwork. We had to wait. Another month of delay.

The day after we got back from our trip we were on our way to get all our paperwork notarized properly. We then had to get paperwork from different notary our case worker had used for our homestudy. We also had biometrics finger printing in Fort Smith, two days after getting home. We covered the notary and finger pringting that day. The banker who was the notary advised that what we had our notary add on was not sufficient and we should really redo it all. So after much "ughing" we decided to just attach an affadavit to the paperwork. I made several calls to the Secretary of State and spoke to the people who do apostilles. They assured it me it would be fine. So within four days of getting home, it was all back in the mail. I got home and started making lunch and realized I forgot to include a letter stating what we need the Secretary of State to do with the documents. It was just this envelope with twelve really important documents and a check. So I quick loaded up kids, ran to the post office and got the envelope back. We carefully opened it and slipped in a letter with a request for them to apostille the documents and PLEASE call if there were any problems.

A couple of days later my phone rang. One of the documents was missing the notary's seal.  I thanked her for not sending everything back. I raced over to get the paper re-notarized. Over to the post office and within the hour it was on it's way.

Then, the next day, I read a friend's blog. She is adopting from the same country as us and had heard all these things about how they are going to be reinforcing this six month time period. If a family did not have their paperwork in, in six months, they would be unmatched and there were no exceptions. Our six months was up a couple of weeks ago. I started to cry. I cried because I love Hamilton, even though I do not know him. In my heart I am already his mom. I cried because I would be okay with being unmatched, sad, but okay, if it meant there was someone else who would adopt this little boy, but I do not think there is anyone. We had first inquired about him last May and in January he was still waiting. Waiting for us it seemed. It is frustrating.

But I am a mom, and you really do not mess with a mom. The next morning I called the Secretary of State to see if the document I sent had arrived. I was told the person handling my paperwork was out of the office until Monday and her desk is such a mess no one could find anything on it. I proceeded to tell this woman, "You are not being very nice right now." Then I told her I really, really need this paperwork. She assured me she was not trying to be mean. She checked the desk, and no new paperwork had arrived. I thanked her and hung up. And cried. I kept thinking if this was one of my biological kids, and I was hearing there was a possibility that they were not going to be mine anymore, what would I do, ANYTHING. So I had Nathan call, because I was too upset. He called to see if I drove there that day with the document that was needed, would they be able to apostille all the documents. They said yes.

SO, I quick ran to get that document re-notarized, hopped in my car, and drove the four hours to our state capitol to the secretary of state's office. Praying, the whole way and feeling sickness just spread over my body. Aches and chills were coming on quickly. I kept driving, drinking as much caffeine as I possibly could, thinking I still had to make this drive back later that day. I arrived at the Secretary of State's office and a man who does apostilles informed me that he had no idea what I was talking about. He said, I really cannot find anything on that woman's desk, and she will be back on Monday. I looked this man in the eye and said, "Yes, I have heard about this woman's desk. But I have driven four hours. The documents are there. I need you to go look!" He went and within the minute was back, with all my paperwork in hand. I gave him the last document and he informed me it would take an hour or two to get this done, depending on how many phone calls he would have to answer while trying to do this. I thanked him and let him know that was fine, I would come back. At this point I am so sick, all I can do is think to find a place that has ibuprofen to take these aches away. I got medicine and soup and more caffeine. I drove back two hours later and it was all complete. I thanked him again. And headed the two blocks to the capitol where there was a post office. I did not check the paperwork though. When I got to the post office I realized he had only apostilled eleven, he had forgotten one! So I ran the two blocks back to the Secretary of State's office. Where he informed me that he had done them all it was just on a different page. I thanked him again, sheepishly, and ran back to the capitol building, back through security to the post office. To find it closed. I looked at my phone for the time... 4:01. The post office closed at 4:00. My head fell. I said to no one or anyone that would hear. "They are closed!" The security guard heard me and said, "Hey, he is right there." Then talking to the post office worker he said, "Hey, this lady needs to mail something, let her get her thing in the mail." The post office worker graciously opened up, and let me mail my documents. They will be to our case worker by Tuesday he said.

I think maybe, maybe I saved us a week. I do not know if it will make any difference. I DO know that there is a lot of things changing daily with the government there. I also know that my Heavenly Father loves Hamilton SO much more than I ever could. I also know that for now I am going to fight for this little boy. I want Hamilton to know right now that we are doing everything for him, that he has a mom who loves him and will do whatever she can to bring him home. He is precious and loved. And for now I have DONE all I can. So now we stand in faith praying. Trusting that God who is father to the fatherless will fight for this little man.

¹⁷ For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. ¹⁸ He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing.

We covet and appreciate your prayers as we wait for these documents to go overseas and be translated. We are still waiting for our USCIS approval, which could take weeks, I am praying days. We are praying and hoping in faith that there is grace and favor in this process. We are THANKFUL we have the  money to go with these documents. We will need more once our referral is given, but so far God has been faithful through His people and His church. We have seen God's hand in this process and in this adoption. Thank you for joining us in prayer as we work to bring Hamilton home.

A Month of Crazy!

This month we have been planning for quite a while, but in all the planning, I am not sure I could have been ready. Nathan has been working for quite some time on a film, it has always kind of been just a "maybe" then more of "it will happen" to a "REALLY big deal!" And we kind of just said, this month he makes a movie and I will have this grand adventure with our children traveling, on the road for five weeks.

Next time I suggest this someone quickly remind me that traveling with four children for five weeks is INSANE. It has been everything fun and exhausting. We started the week with a trip to Wisconsin for the fourth of July, which since I was a kid has been one of my fondest memories.

 This was followed by a week at a cabin, with my mom, grandma, sister and her family, my brother who I have not seen in about eight years and my cousin and his family. That is right, eighteen people in a cabin for a week, there was so much fun had by all. A lot of chaotic fun. We had our own summer Olympics, adults vs. kids, miniature golf, boating, fishing and lots of ice cream. Pretty much this whole vacation has involved a lot of ice cream.

The week after was spent in the Chicago area. We traveled up to Kenosha to visit friends and had sleepovers and lots of catching up. We swam, roller skated, played and wore ourselves out.

The week following is the week we are in. A visit with my sister in Michigan. We have been catching up with cousins. And plans are the zoo, swimming, an indoor play park, roller skating and trampoline jumping. We met a new friend that  is adopting a little boy from the same orphanage as us in Bulgaria. And we are planning a trip to Canada to visit friends we have not seen in years, it seems, maybe one year, but it seems like more.

We will then head back to Wisconsin until we end up back in Chicago and finally get to head home. And if you notice none of these lists of things involve sleep. Which means that there is not a lot of that going on.

I have learned things about my children this trip. Things like Verity is apparently an extrovert and thrives in new environments, she has made so many friends and is SO much fun. She is brave and loves to try whatever is new. But she also misses her home and her bed and her friends. I have learned that Anya in the midst of heartbreak is strong. Two of her best friends in Arkansas are moving before we get back. What are the odds, two dear friends, whose dads have taken jobs in Minnesota and Montana, and both will be gone before we get home. There have been tears, but also, Anya encouraged her friend who is so afraid of moving with how many friends she will make and that things will be okay, even when she is so sad to lose her friends. David has discovered a love of fishing and has turned into a fish himself, swimming every chance he gets and facing many of his fears. And Karis has worked everything in her to control herself. Her biggest struggle, and she has done a great job. They have all risen to the occasion.

All the while Nathan is working on a film, around 12 hours a day, plus prep work, and that means sometimes 15 hours with set up and take down and meetings, and he is exhausted. The film is going well and I am so proud of him and all that he does.

But when the time comes we will be ready to go home!

On the adoption front, things continue to move. Our appointment for biometrics is set, for the week we get back to Arkansas. We have something extra to do to get our apostille done in Arkansas, so our forms were sent back and we are going to have to get that done, but I found out we can drive them down and get them done that day, so I think we will do that also the week we get back. So things continue to progress, but it will be easier once we are actually in Arkansas.

Waiting and Praying and Celebrating with Hope!

I have been overwhelmed! I wrote a week and half ago about our waiting and waiting. And a few weeks ago I wrote about the cost of adoption. And we asked for prayer. As a Christian, I absolutely believe prayer makes a difference, but so often it is my last resort. And then God answers prayers and I am reminded how this should be my first resort.

First I want to share a perspective that I find amazing. A friend of mine has been going through the adoption process. He and his wife were one of the families adopting from Russia when the government shut down all adoptions and their story is again not one for me to share, but a story of lots of hope and disappointment. Moments with a lot of "why's." Two times the children they planned to adopt or host were adopted elsewhere. But my their mom said something to the effect of, "But look at how many people these two girls have had praying for them." Things did not turn out as planned, but these two girls may have never been prayed for. Wow! Thousands of people praying for these two little girls that were nobody's. Faces in seas of faces. An orphan without a voice or a person to be their voice. This couple was their voice for prayer. And what a change that will make in their lives in the long run. They were covered with prayers from thousands. And I believe THAT will make a difference.

So please keep praying for these children without voices!

And prayer works. These requests for prayers that we made, God has shown up so big. We got our final homestudy approval last week, and received the notarized copies yesterday. I-800a application was sent off today, and the rest is being sent to be notarized this week. We still need prayer that this takes on the shorter side of things, but I am waiting and praying and celebrating, with hope!

AND did you see the little thing on the side of our blog that says how much support we have raised? If you have been keeping track, you will notice that it has almost doubled. Our church has been amazingly generous. We have been humbled to be part of a church that lives out their faith in loving orphans, in particular our Hamilton. But also in just helping those in need. They seem to give with faith, seeking wisdom, but knowing that God will continue to provide. And we are humbled and thankful and without words.

So keep praying for the paperwork and for Hamilton. God is working and hearing these prayers!

Thank you!!!