It has been a week of battles. It takes weeks like this for me to realize that somewhere along the past couple of months the battles had subsided, we have learned some new tricks for sleep-- mostly no more naps and she falls asleep in my arms at 7:30 pm. It has been lovely and surprisingly calm. But this week has brought back the two year old in fine form. Everything has been a battle. Getting dressed, changing diapers, eating, playing, pretty much every single thing we do is a battle. And sometimes these battles come in the middle of the night. Last night it was a half an hour of screaming NO! I still do not know what she was mad about. I just know that being woken up and screamed at for half an hour in the middle of the night, usually does not lead to a good start to the next day.
And it did not start nicely at all. I woke up and got ready to run. I should have gotten out the door quicker, but I did not, I dilly dallied, and when it was time for me to go, my two year old came running out of bed, "DON'T LEAVE ME MOMMY!" Frantically climbing on my lap and clinging to my neck she said over and over, "Don't leave me mommy, don't leave me!" I offered to hold her for five minutes and get her some breakfast before I left. "NO!" We talked and argued for the next few minutes and she finally ended up in time out. For two minutes I let her yell and then gave her a chance to apologize. She sat in her time out chair screaming, "I WANT MOMMY!" But when her chance came to apologize, she refused. She covered her eyes so I could not "see" her and screamed "NO!" She would then hold out her arms, "I WANT MOMMY!" I gave her a chance to apologize, arms crossed, furrowed brow, "NO!" She wanted her way, but she did not want to apologize. She wanted me but without having to change her behavior.
I am always thankful when I can see myself in those moments. I did get to go on my run and I kept thinking how much she is like me. I want God's favor and blessing, I want God to be with me, but I do not want to change my behavior. God, never stops loving me, but sometimes my decisions keep me apart from Him. I cover my eyes and don't want Him to see me in my sin, I do not want to change, I want to keep living my life the way I want but I want God to keep blessing me. I will never stop loving her, but sometimes her decisions make it that she needs to face consequences. Then when she is done I will hold her and love on her.